The Sentinel

Oh my lordy-lord, madcap Bonkers fans... what a failings.

Since you heard from Bonkers headquarters, my good self has completed two exams on the subject of the politics of the United States of Americaland. Well, I say completed... I mean struggled through to the bloody conclusion, cuts across my face and sweat and tears forming the words on the page. So, all in all, it went as expected, then.

Remember last year's multiple choice examination on International Political Theory? How the questions were as simple as What is the capital city of England? A: London ? B: 1942? in all seriousness? Well, let me give you an example of a multiple choice question from last week's American government and politics one: Calculate the exact amount spent on the US Defence budget during the months October-December of 1935 converted into Yen. Based on your answer, what did Richard Nixon have for dinner on the evening of 7th April 1972? A: Chicken kiev? B: $253.02? C: Cuban Missile Crisis? D: The House of Representatives? I mean, come on! While the answer is blatantly D, I just felt like it wasn't going well...

Then came the essay-style questions. We were tasked with answering two in two hours. I turned over the paper, saw one I liked, answered it very well, felt pleased... then looked at the other six available questions and realised I didn't have an answer for any of them. I hurridly cobbled together something awkward about the November 2006 mid-terms, using A-Level stuff I'd learned about voting patterns, and left the room.

So now, with all the vigilance of a sentinel, I'm waiting for the results. Add to this the 63% I already know I got for the US essay and I think my overall mark will be a low 40%. And that's if I've passed at all. Also I looked over my Imperial China essay I handed in earlier on in the semester and realised it's absolute nonsense, so brilliant: I'm coming to August!

I've had a good few days of sitting in bed and watching Friends on DVD (oh yes, I got "The One With All Ten Seasons" from HMV... in other words, the complete saga of the sitcom is all mine! I'm halfway through Season 2 and I've realised I'm actually Chandler Bing: could I be more of a sarcastic and jokey layabout?) and eating biscuits. This morning I began an extensive job hunt, as I'm desperately short on cash when I reach the end of terms and, with Easter approaching faster than anybody actually realises (hello? Seven weeks? Panic! Grahrheaherhahshah, etc.), I need some extra cash in my back pocket, mainly for the House of Death (now with extra death and no extra cash). Oh, and the forthcoming release of Casino Royale on DVD needs to be purchased. Oh oh, and I'm now buying books for my new courses, which started this afternoon. Oh oh oh, and they're cool.

For now, however, I'm going to sign off, watch an episode of Friends, play some Medal of Honour: European Assault (in other words, shoot some Nazi stormtroopers) and simply chill out for a few hours. Hey, I think I've earned it...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall inevitably return.

Firewall

One down, two to go...

The European Union exam, ladies and mentalmen, went not-so-badly after all. I didn't feel the need to run out of the room five minutes after sitting down screaming "HOLY HELL, WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS?", which is what I expected to do. I even managed to keep my composure intact until the very end. Wow. And I had to laugh: one colleague said to me afterwards that she didn't answer the question I had done because she didn't know what the word "obsolete" meant. And she's smart.

The two to go are on the United States of America, and it's a big topic. How big, I hear nobody asking? Well, I'll tell you: there's a practice exam paper up on the BlackBoard community site here and one of the questions is "How much did the US Congress allocate to the Defence Budget of 2004 in US Dollars?" Eep. Numbers. Panic!

But there's time enough to make a decent go of revision before the Day of Judgement arrives on Monday, and then we get a day off before Wednesday's final reckoning. And then...? And then I get a week off! Hurrah! Mwa ha ha, etc. etc. In that week, I shall be mostly staying over at Elspeth's after late-night game parties (Deal or No Deal DVD Game, anyone?), drinking some alcoholic substances (not a lot, mind, but just enough to enjoy myself and go a bit squiffy) and engaging in Leslie Nielsen/Jim Carrey/Harrison Ford/Friends DVD marathons with anyone who'll watch with me! How I've earned this break, oh Lordy-Lord...

In the meantime, revision beckons, and it's half past midnight. God bless coffee.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

IT'S FRIDAY 12TH JANUARY!

EVEN THOUGH THE BLOG DATE SAYS IT'S NOT!

I'M WRITING IN BLOCK CAPITALS!

IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!

IT'S MUMSY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Now, stop drooling over the picture... there you go...

A double-feature posting for you all today, and I decided to keep this special birthday shout-out seperate from my phone-related rantings, so I demand that you all wish my Mum a happy birthday and raise a glass to wish her best wishes for the year ahead!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Hold On, I'm Putting You On Speaker...

Ever been watching 24, madcap fans, and loved it when Jack's growled "Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker...", along with such famous quotes as "You're on with Bill Buchanan, also present is yada yada, etc. etc." and all the other tech-style talk of CTU Los Angeles?

More to the point, have you ever started reading this blog and thought "I wonder where he's going with this?" Well, this time I'll get straight to it and tell you: I've got a new mobile phone. Normally, technological updates don't bother me. I don't care how much RAM (whatever that is) my laptop has, or if my phone has a 1.2 megapixel camera or an MP3 Player or a washing machine or can tapdance like Bruce Forsythe when I say the word "watermellon"... as with most technology these days, I don't get the point. My dear old phone was the definition of my attitude to modern technology: it made and recieved calls, did texting, had a black-and-white screen and woke me up in the mornings. That's it. Really.

But recently it started to die. Technology, you see, is short-lived. In phone-years, my handset had been collecting what little state pension His Tonyness felt obliged to dole out for several decades. Like many residents of care homes, it forgot numbers, lost messages and switched off without warning. It was a slow, narcoleptic old phone.

It's the January Sales, I'd had enough of missing calls and misplacing directions to parties and low signal in the Bermuda Triangle of phone signal that is my room, and I was in town on the day my loan check arrived. To that end, ladies and mentalmen, I decided it was time to upgrade. But I didn't want anything fancy, oh no. You know what I'm like with new technology. These colour-screen, photo-taking, internet-capable mobile computers confuse me. They switch on and say "Hello Moto!", to which I look confused, thinking it's intelligent enough to speak to me, and answer with a shakey "Hello... how are you?" And then people laugh. So I chat with the nice man in the Orange shop on Northumberland Street. He explains that I am out of touch, that I'm technologically retarded, and that he's been using a 7.8 gig ZX47392 MegaRange GPS Nuclear Satellite Comms Device (from Nokia, no less) since he was three years old. It can make coffee for him in the morning, tie his tie for him (no wonder it looked a mess), shine his shoes for him and order a missile strike on Baghdad in seven different languages.

I tell him, awfully politely, that I don't give a damn. I want a phone that phones people, texts people and (grudgingly) takes pictures, since so many of my hip and with-it friends have camera phones and want to send me pictures all the time. He tells me that I really should sell a kidney and get a brain implant that calls the Moon, but I persist. In true Little Britain style, I pick a cheap(ish), pretty-looking phone and demand that "I want that one."

So I've joined the 21st Century (only took seven years) with a Motorola L6 mobile telecommunications device. It calls people. It sends text messages (even though it tries to type them for me by predicting which word I'll go for... I started typing "Hello..." and it wanted me to put "Help..." which, while summing up my feeling of desperation at the time, was not what I was going for). It takes pictures. It plays games (including 24 and Sonic the Hedgehog). My snazzy new wallpaper background, screensaver and ringtone have all been themed to James Bond. I can say "Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker..." and actually put you on speaker. And above all, I'm not ashamed to get it out in public when asking somebody's number (a feature listed in the catalogue). Overall, I'm quite proud of it.

Astonishingly, I'd recommend that those of you out there who haven't got up-to-date mobile phones should upgrade. I thought I didn't care, but now I'm the owner of a rather pleasing, flashy new gadget (ahem... easy target) I'm loving it, and spending more time with it than on revision, which is a worry. So there we have it, madcap Bonkers fans. Today's message: get with the times! Peace out.

Reloaded

Guess how much work I've done, madcap Bonkers fans? Considering it's now Sunday and I was supposed to start on Thursday?

That's right: none. Well done, ten points. I actually, really, positively, properly, actually (you've done this one, Ed.), properly must start tomorrow morning at 09:00, however. Which I absolutely will be, no argument or questions or doubts. Imperial China's first up, as it was supposed to be on Thursday... what a nightmare it's gonna be! Sources are about as rare as a socialist making His Tonyness' Christmas card list, and it's longer than a conga at 3,000-3,500 words. All together now: eep.

But never fear, ladies and mentalmen, since I have a plan! And that plan is to be available over the summer break for resits... no, I'm joking! I've got a good feeling that it'll all go okay this time around, and that February will arrive with few incidents, but only if I work at it. I'd like to take this opportunity to send good thoughts and words of encouragement to all those taking exams this January, especially to Indy (you'll do fine, stop panicking), Elspeth (no worries, Cheesecake: you can copy mine if it all goes wrong) and Ollie (biggest genius I know, your pass is secured). When we hit February and get a chance to breath before the marks come in, we're all going to get well and truly smashed and gamble and do all the things that morality deems unacceptable at examination times (oh, okay, unacceptable all the time)! Woohoo!

Simon returns to the House of Death (now with extra death) tomorrow as well, and he's another panicked student... what was that advert? Malibu? "Chill out, mon!" Yeah, what he said...

In the meantime, you may be wondering, how did I manage to waste four days of potential essay-writing? Well, Thursday was my day off, since Tuesday and Wednesday were spent shopping for food, sorting things out, getting back home, etc. Then Friday was at Elspeth's makin' pasta and drinkin' wine, and Saturday was returning from Elspeth's and watching far too much of The Matrix trilogy for my own good. Today was more food shopping. In other words... I've done jack (ahem, easy target)!

Must dash: I've got something not very important to do somewhere equally as dull! Peace out, madcap fans. I shall return...

Tooth and Claw

2007.

The Year of Bond, as I've been telling anyone who'll listen.

I hope all your Christmas and New Year celebrations went as well as mine did, madcap Bonkers fans, and that the gap in posting wasn't too painful (I know, but I'm back now, there there). And now we face an entire, brand new year, filled with promise and excitement! Well, we know a few things: His Tonyness steps down as Prime Minister this year, and George Dubya is in his final whole year before the 2008 Presidential Elections. The end of an era? One I won't cry over missing.

What I could do with missing, however, is January. With my Imperial China essay due (and no work started on it) and three exams (which I'm dreading) all sitting at the end of the month like big, sinister guardians of February, it's a hurdle I could do with missing. In fact, I wish I had one of these to just jump to February 1st, 2007:

Alas, I don't, and even if I did, it would only serve as a telephone booth... I could try and call February 1st and see how it all went, but otherwise... yes... moving on...

I'm off into town now to meet with the lovely Elspeth and catch up on events, then Thursday morning at 09:00 I'm in the library to get this Imperial China essay started, fighting tooth and claw to meet the deadline. The truckloads of research I need to do should be fun (that's a lie, but it makes me feel better)! Well, have a Happy New Year one and all, and I shall see you or write to you all soon.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...