Bonkers Loony Conspiracy

Hope and Fear

2007-05-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and mentalmen... today was certainly an eventful event-filled event of events containing eventfullness. Allow me to explain...

Firstly, today was the date of my presentation in Politics of the Middle East. I wasn't looking forward to this: research was hardly wholesome on the subject of Afghanistan and the Taliban. Stories of grim tales involving beheadings, public beating, the oppression of women... while I'm hardly one to deny another's culture and beliefs, I found some of the research personally disturbing. So, in an effort to plough on through, I tried to take a semi-lighthearted approach to the subject, and it could have easily backfired. It didn't, however: it worked perfectly. Everyone seemed interested in what I had to say on the balance of hope and fear gripping Afghanistan, and they loved the handouts I produced, even more so than the other presenters (including Cheesecake herself) who were all stone-faced and serious when discussing the Taliban social control. Instead, I said "they were not allowed to forecast the weather, as this was deemed to be sorcery" and got my laugh.

But that's not all. I managed this after only two hours of sleep Monday night! How, I hear you ask? Well, industrial amounts of bananas and coffee is the obvious answer. I wasn't sleeping particularly well and the guys in the flat, having been worked to the bone to meet their recent deadline, were up and about, their sleeping patterns ruined. Some noise was made, I was woken, I got up at 05:25 and had a pee, then thought "Well, can't sleep now!" so preceeded to polish my script and watch Star Trek: Voyager for the next three hours. It's no biggie, but I'm absolutely knackered now (18:51 Tuesday) and have a 09:00 lecture tomorrow. The solution? It's the perfect time to get sleep patterns back on track! So by 22:00 I'll be in bed, showered and clean, all tucked up for ten hours of snooze-fest. Job done.

Oh, and then there's the small matter of my third year Module Selection choices being posted up yesterday in the History Department. Now, let me remind you of some facts: a lot of people got e-mails telling them to re-select because their first, second and third choices were full (people who were three places behind me in the queue that nightmarish Wednesday). There's been silence for weeks. Some people Cheesecake and I bumped into this morning, before we'd checked, said they were down for their second and third choices. It wasn't looking good... the running theme of hope and fear from my work on Afghanistan was looming over my head: the hope that I'd get my first choice modules battling with the fear of being resigned to that dodgy birth control module or, even worse, something to do with British history (eep).

But hope won out.

Not only are all my first choices confirmed, but Cheesecake has gotten them too, meaning it's no change in the team and it's a definate win for the third year! How, you ask, once again hanging on my every word... no, over here... hello? WAKE UP! Anywho, it means my modules are Nazi Germany, the Nuremberg Trials, Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism and my Politics Dissertation, over which I had a brainwave last night. So let's break that down... Nazi Germany and the Nuremberg Trials: who do you know with more knowledge? Exactly, nobody! Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism: clearly it's going to be all spies and MI6, and I'll bet James Bond is mentioned not once, not twice, but thrice. As for my Politics Dissertation, get this for an early title: New Worlds and New Civilisations - The Politics of Modern Science Fiction. So that's Hitler, 007 and Captain Archer making up my entire third year. I'm so going to pass everything, innit.

There is still a battle between hope and fear to be won, madcap Bonkers fans. The hope of the third year is a light just out of reach beyond the fear of the upcoming exams. In less than a week, I'll have sat my Space Race exam. In just over two, I'll have finished them all. Fall at this hurdle, and that perfect third year will disappear.

To which end, I've no idea why I'm wasting time writing here. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen... I shall revise...

Year of Hell

2007-05-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Why so glum, madcap Bonkers fans? Surely today, the day in which His Tonyness announced his impending doom, would be cause for celebration? Why is 2007 the Year of Hell?

I'll tell you why, ladies and mentalmen. Because when Blair the Liar has gone, we will be left with the most awful Prime Minister: Gordon Brown. A man who thinks nothing of raising taxes, who has lied more than Blair ever could, who has displayed himself as a thug and a brute and a bully. You thought Clarke, Reid and Campbell were the worst of it? You haven't seen Brown yet. And to make matters even worse, his rise to power is completely undemocratic: he'll be "appointed" our Prime Minister by his Labour cronies... whoops, sorry, I meant peers... no, wait... cronies was correct.

We started the Year of Hell with one lousy Prime Minister. We'll end it with one even worse.

But what of His Tonyness? What will become of him in July when he fades into the darkness of "normal" life? Well, accepting an honour or peerage is out of the question: how hypocritical and ironic would Lord Tony of Blair be, eh? A man who has shown utter contempt for the House of Lords being in it...? Never. So perhaps a knighthood? No. Blair deserves a knighthood for services to the British people about as much as I deserve a knighthood for services to Thrash Metal. I seriously doubt Her Majesty would have will strong enough to keep her from swinging the sword sideways as She dubbed him Sir Tonyness. I fear Blair will simply do what his wife does: travel to Americaland and Australia and make a pension on the speech circuit. Although why anyone would pay to listen to him drone on about being a waste of space is beyond me...

Guess who Politician of the Year is for me, madcap fans? You're right: anyone but Blair. Or Brown. Or anyone involved with Labour. Or the Liberal Democrats. Or anyone else who isn't David Cameron.

Best moment of the day: George W Bush paying tribute to His Tonyness. Here's the quote: "I have found him to be a man who's kept his word which is sometimes rare in the political circles I run in." How many things, ladies and mentalmen, can you spot wrong with that sentence? I count three, you? If you don't want to know the results, look away now. A: Blair doesn't keep his word. B: "Sometimes rare", Mr. President? So it's common, then? So Blair isn't that unique after all? C: Of course you don't meet people who keep their word, Bushy. You're a Republican.

Hillarious comments from Basil Bush aside, His Tonyness used the day to leer over the so-called "achievements" he has made and try to convince everyone he'll have a worthwhile legacy to leave behind. It's funny: an NHS in ruins, an economy in massive amounts of debt, half our armed forces spread across the Middle East (with the other half suffering from all kinds of death), a corrupt government, an out-of-control civil service, an immigration problem and a nose severely browned from being lodged up Dubya's backside is hardly something I'd like engraved on my tombstone. Well, if it's good enough for you, Blair. It'll give us all a laugh in years to come when the Conservatives have straightened the decks.

For all those wishing to complain about my take on the situation, please write to: 123 Fake Street, Nowheresville (Near Reykjavic), Yemin, ABC 007. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Your statutoty rights will become null and void. Must be edible.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

Future's End

2007-05-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

Still no word from the department, as I write this, about my module selection for my third year. Surprising, isn't it?

You're right, it isn't. The incompetance of these people is beyond me: a right shambles. The exam timetables were only posted around today, too, and guess what? I've only got two weeks before my first one. Two weeks?! It's insane. Although I would have half-expected a phonecall the morning before saying "This is the History Department letting you know you've got an exam in ten minutes..." Thank goodness I've been kept busy during my wait, ladies and mentalmen: with UFO sightings, drinking games (ooh, no... no no no... no), a presentation to prepare, Star Trek: Voyager to watch, etc. etc.

Oh yes, and political parties to vote for! Today is election day, madcap Bonkers fans, and I hope you've all either gone and voted or are about to go and vote! Polls close at 10pm: David Cameron told me that in an e-mail this morning, urging me to exercise my democratic right. So I did, and also gained a lovely walk in the sunshine, so I'm thinking it's win-win! Unless my party loses, in which case it'll be win-lose. Or if my party loses and my knee starts hurting due to the walk, because then it'll be lose-lose... or if my knee hurts but my party win, then it'll be lose-win... am I overthinking this? (Yes. Get on with it. Ed.)

I'm just praying that Labour suffer a huge defeat today: with His Tonyness leaving this plane of existence (finally) in "a matter of weeks" (please, let the door hit you on the way out), a tough time at the polls today will give Gordon Brown the weakest start to his Prime Ministership, leaving it wide open for David Cameron to swoop down on the shambolic Labour government and make mincemeat of them before the next General Election. Although, I have to say, anyone would be better than George W. Bush... here's a topical quote for the day from America's Beloved Leader of the Free World (hint: sarcasm) - "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

Well done, genius. Until I return, ladies and mentalmen, peace out...

State of Flux

2007-04-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Since I've been here at Newcastle University, madcap Bonkers fans, can you recall me ever saying anything nasty about the staff and offices that work here? Have I ever done anything to offend a member of staff? Have I shot their canary or run over their dog or kidnapped their baby? Have I ever failed any assessment? Have I been annoying to them?

The answer to all those questions is, as you know, "no". And I'm sure that if you ask the same questions of 95% of my coursemates on Politics and History, you'll get the same answer. Add to that everyone taking regular History, the Classics, Archaeology and combined studies (including History) and you've got a lot of people... over one thousand students. And I'm sure they'd all answer "no" as well. My point? Well, first I'd like to apologise in advance to Mumsy, but I'm about to use language I would normally avoid.

The School of Historical Studies here at Newcastle University have treated my fellow students and I like complete shit today. And we've done nothing to deserve it.

First, a weather report: it's boiling here today in Newcastle. The sun is shining nicely and only now, at 17:42, a few clouds are rolling in to block it out. There's been a breeze to keep people cool outside, but inside it's sweltering. Which is obviously why some complete tool decided to walk in to the University this morning and say "Oh, let's turn on the central heating." So they did. And indoor temperatures rose. A lot. So much so that even standing still inside the School of Historical Studies made you sweat. Could a member of staff be bothered to open a window? Well, if there was one, no. Unfortunately, all the windows are in staff offices, making sure they're all nice and comfortable. Lucky them.

You already know the situation about the module caps, ladies and mentalmen. Today was module selection day, meaning we all dutifully sign up to our chosen modules and hope we get in... with caps of 14 places on all modules. So there would always be competition. I knew this. Everyone knew this. It sucked, but it was a fact of life. But wait: last year, the BlackBoard Interactive Website was used for module signup, so it was easy and quick to get the modules you wanted. But this year, it broke down two weeks before Easter. Hmm... six weeks before module signup... no, can't fix it in that amount of time. Even though the other departments were using it fine: just History said "Oh, we'll just get everyone to come in, fill out a form and we'll process it ourselves."

Genius. So today everyone doing History, Politics and History, the Classics, Archaeology and combined studies (including History) had to go and queue for the capped modules on a first-come, first-serve basis. So, that's roughly 500 second-year students fighting it out for extremely limited places on the best courses to undertake in their third, most important, final year. Some of the options available are pathetically weak, and nobody would have picked them: it seems students are being spread thin over a wide selection so the University can go "Look! We offer so much! Aren't we wonderful?" Well, to be honest, no. So many people will be disappointed... especially after today.

The School of Historical Studies doesn't have a large office. It boasts all of three staff members. It has enough room for, oh, five people in it, at a push. So some utter plank (probably the tool responsible for the central heating being turned on) decided to make all 500 students come to the office at the same time: 1pm today. This is an impossible crush. A pointless futile cattle market with pushing, shoving and general other types of hellish merryment. But that's not all: the idiots in charge then said "...and at the same time, we'll get the first years to pick their second-year modules too!" So that's another 500, maybe 600, people.

The queues took over four hours to clear. I was lucky: Elspeth and I, sensing the danger, went early. An hour early. And we still queued for one and a half hours. In a long, narrow corridor leading to the office. Crushed between 1,000 other people. Trying to get to the front so that they get their options before the places run out. With the central heating on. Noise. Smells. And some stressed-out cow at the front of the queue shouting orders like Hitler. "Get in line!" "No eating!" "Do not push!" "Get out the way!"

And do you know what the worst part is, madcap fans? I don't even know what I'm doing next year.

At first, the process involved entering the School of Historical Studies office, being called forward by one of the three staff at a computer, and then handing them your form while they entered the information on the database and confirmed your choices. If you had to pick a second or reserve choice, they told you. You left with a printout of your confirmed third-year modules. The queues weren't moving. Suddenly, some bright spark remembered they had over 1,000 people to process and decided to speed things up. So you were hearded into the office, your form was ripped from your grasp, and they wrote the time down on it. Then you were asked to leave with a cursory comment: "You'll be e-mailed by Friday and told which modules you'll be doing."

It was a complete joke. You either laughed or cried. Thankfully, I was with enough good-spirited people to laugh, and we actually had some fun in the otherwise-nightmarish, claustrophobic corridor queue. We all went to the Union afterwards and downed a few pints of cider to refresh, and enjoyed the cool breeze on the grass.

I am angry... no, fuming. How dare the University have the bare-faced cheek to attempt to process prospective third-year students alongside a swarm of brattish second-years and then have the audacity to "let you know" by e-mail what you'll be studying for your final year? It's pathetic. If I had options, I'd seriously consider leaving Newcastle and completing my degree at any university that would take me. Some people I know are doing just that. But I'm signed on for residence in the House of Death for next year, and wouldn't do that to the guys, nor Elspeth, who is staying. And I like my lecturers (Russia this morning was excellent, as usual). But if I have to deal with the School of Historical Studies or anyone involved in the planning of today's module signup again...

...it won't be pretty. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I'll be back.

Strange New World, Part II

2007-04-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

You might be interested in this, madcap Bonkers fans...

...crazy, eh?

Strange New Worlds

2007-04-21T05:22:00.000-07:00

It's finally happened, madcap Bonkers fans. I've finally lost my mind.

It's either that, or aliens really do exist and are really visiting this planet. Thursday night at around 23:00 over towards Jesmond Dene park here in Newcastle, a V-shaped craft, with a horseshoe-shape ring of bright white lights on it's underside, was hovering over the valley. It hovered for about four seconds, during which time I tried to reach for my phone to take a picture. Alas, in the fifth second, the lights got brighter and it streaked away in what I'd estimate to be a 0-300mph jump which took the blink of an eye.

Now you all know me: been to a few airshows, like military technology, etc. Not only is there nothing like this ever created, it was an unaerodynamic shape, so how did it move so fast? Also, if it was military, why are they testing over such a populated area? And why over Newcastle, when the nearest military base is miles and miles away?

I've done a quick sketch of what I saw and hope to get it scanned in so that I can post it up during my next rant. But of all the people to see a UFO, it would have to be me, wouldn't it?

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. To boldly go...

Two Days and Two Nights

2007-04-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, madcap Bonkers fans. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Allow me to fill in the blanks a little for you. T'was Easter holidays, you see, and neither Mother nor Father have the internet installed anymore, so cut off from technology and cyberspace I was at a loss to update you all on certain progressions. I know... tragic. Anywho, I've now been back in the Castle that is New for a little over two days and two nights now, and have only just gotten around to typing this: that's right, I have things to do. Makes a change, eh?

Change would seem to be the buzzword right about now. Mother has a new car, a rather nice Fiat Punto, to replace the poor departed Vauxhall Corsa... but not before the Ford Focus that engulfed both her and I during the first two weeks of Easter (and had a lovely CD player on board, I might add) ate lots of fuel and, thanks to a luxurious ride, made all other cars feel like you were driving a milkfloat with burst tyres. While wearing oven gloves. On the moon. Matt, meanwhile, has shifted jobs a little, leaving DEFRA and now maybe even heading towards more work with Her Majesty's (God bless her, and all who sail in her) Royal Air Force. But that's not before Eva the Snake needs to change her habits on pain of death. And I changed my underwear at 01:00 Thursday morning after driving up from Cuxton to Saltburn in a record four and a half hours at an average speed of 80mph... while Dad, ridden with a flu-type virus, fell asleep behind the wheel three times. I'll tell you, watching action films with cars swerving all over the road may be exciting, but being in one for real? Thank goodness there were no bullets. Oh, and guess who's changed assistants?

Then come next Wednesday I'll have registered my new Third Year modules at the History Department's annual "Hectic Scrum-Fest 3000", with places on History modules capped at 14 and only two hours in which to register for them. So I'll need to change notepads, book orders, etc. etc. And I'll be changing my favourite Star Trek series from Star Trek: Enterprise to Star Trek: Voyager after the chance to get a few seasons of Captain Janeway's Delta Quadrant adventures on DVD (too good to pass up, I'm afraid. That's another month's rent gone, then. Kidding, kidding...), and then who knows? If the exams arrive in four weeks and I start to panic, I might even be changing occupations and becoming a full time dustman. No, really.

A lot can happen in two days and two nights. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

...unless, of course, anything changes...

Fortunate Son, Part II

2007-03-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

A very Happy Mother's Day shout-out, ladies and mentalmen, to the one and only mother who has supported my (sometimes not so) good self and whom I get to see in less than a week!

If the trains were cancelled, Mumsy, this is how hard I would try to get home (or alternatively there's always the bus)! Love and hugs, see you soon, and thank you for being the World's Best Mum!

Peace out, madcap Mumsy... I shall return...

11:59

2007-03-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

Most of you reading this blog will be aware of recent tragic events. I choose not to mention them in detail, in order to avoid trivialising them in an otherwise humour-filled, lighthearted blog. Needless to say, hearts and minds are with all affected.

Okay, other, more regular, news for you madcap Bonkers fans, then! I know what I'm going to be doing in my third year of University! There's gonna be a manic gladiatorial battle to get on the History modules, as they're capped at 14 places... that's right, one-four. We had a meeting today and apparently the caps are to "encourage a more productive working atmosphere". Yeah, bollocks. It's just to force latecomers into doing pointless and boring modules like, and I'm serious when I tell you this is an actual module available next year, HIS3021: Devices and Desires - Birth Control, Sexuality and Reproduction in History (man alive, what on Earth?). So while my Politics choices are all safe, with caps of over 100 places if at all, the History places are going to be the result of a struggle after the Easter vacation. And the bad news? All the good ones are History modules.

As it stands, my goal is to be taking the following... POL3086: Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism (20 credits); Dissertation in Politics (40 credits); HIS3096: Nazi Germany (30 credits); HIS3110: The Nuremberg Doctors' Trial (30 credits). There are several possible back-ups for History, though, including a module on Soviet Premiere Gorbachev and something about Stalinism... yes, that's right, you observant ladies and mentalmen: I'm sticking close to what I know for my third year, namely Nazis and Soviets. It served me well at A-Level and I'm hoping it's my guarantee for good marks to graduate with. Hell, it's more interesting than birth control...

All this is happening as Easter draws nearer, reminding us all that there's only four weeks when we return before the exam period, and then... then it's the third year. My final year of education (well, probably my final year). In twelve months I'll not only be 20 years old but be having to consider things like career choices and tax and salaries and driving licences and oh no I've gone cross-eyed...

In other news, I received a text this morning confirming the write-off status of Mum's Vauxhall Corsa. This is sad news indeed, but there's an upside. It means that while I'm with Mum over Easter, we can go car shopping! It does mean I probably won't get to see the swanky Ford Focus 1.8 that Mum's been parading around and falling in love with, but it also means I get to influence the decision on what car Mum drives for potentially the rest of her life... oh, what power! No, I'm kidding, seriously Mum, you're in safe hands. And don't worry: I won't push you into buying something like an Aston Martin (oh, if only). We'll find the right car for you, don't you worry about a thing. Test drives? I think so!

I have to dash off now, madcap Bonkers fans, and go to Tesco to spend no money on chocolate honest (phew, got out of that one...) and ask them why my clubcard still hasn't arrived. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return!

Zero Hour

2007-03-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

What is with people changing things?

Blogger just demanded I create a new Google Account (whatever one of those is) to move my Blog over to somewhere new or something and add more details to my already long list of details or something. I didn't wanna do it but I kinda had to in order to keep Bonkers here running. See what I sacrifice for you, madcap fans?

And my flatmates keep changing the heating times because they stay up all night, meaning I'm sweating in bed at night, and when I open my window because of all the sweat (logical, I think you'll agree) they complain that I'm wasting energy! Hey guys, you know what: staying up all night wastes energy! Sleeping regains energy! I'm wasting energy? Ablaghalargalargablah!

With all the changing going on I decided to change my username and picture, too, so hopefully you should be seeing the new logo for Bonkers on your left (makes gesture similar to that of an airline hostess pointing to emergency exits... yeah, because that's the image you wanna be thinking of right before your inevitable destruction) and the new name underneath all this senseless rambling and senseless nonsense... no sense... less... no... oh, whatever!

On a completely unrelated topic, one of the ladies and mentalmen who views this Blog (whom I know very well) was involved in an accident that saw a car (which I also know rather well, but not as well as the person driving) smashed between a pregnant lady's car (whom I don't know, nor do I know the car) and a gentleman driver's saloon (again, an unknown, although I think I dated the car back in '89...) resulting in much broken glass. I call upon you all to send good thoughts to this Blog, and they will be repackaged by the Royal Mail, weighed and measured and sent on to the unfortunate person I know very well in six to eight weeks (postage and packing free, you lucky rascals, you). Hugs all round, well done for not freaking out, love you.

Right, I'm off to drink some more coffee (more? More? More, you say?) and then ask why I'm so alert, hyper and manic today... I have no idea, really... blarghlargalalrgharg!

I do that too much, I think... peace out, I shall return...

In a Mirror, Darkly

2007-02-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

I went shopping for some clothes the other day, madcap Bonkers fans. I never go shopping for clothes. My fashion sense is about as switched on as Terry Wogan's. After his eyes have been pecked out by crows. And yet still I went, still I looked, still I liked and still I purchased (but at very budget prices, due to my overdraft being so large I may have to contemplate having my limbs repossessed).

...hey, at least I didn't come out with anything that colour! But you think he looks a little silly in that, perhaps you should try to imagine something twice as bad. Got it? That's a quarter of how silly I looked when I got home and tried my new stuff on. Add more stupidness, a little more sillyness, and ten times it by ten, and you've got the end result: stuff three sizes (I think I got all that maths right...) too small. I looked in a mirror, darkly, and decided enough was enough. I was trying too hard at something I'm just not made for. Gucci, Versace, FCUK (yeah, and you)... I've given up, I took it all back, spent the money on biscuits and retreated to my House of Death (now with extra fashion shame).

I'm sticking to stuff I'm good at and know. To that end, I've written my first 400-word assignment for Middle Eastern Politics, which I was quite happy to submit, I've watched several Steven Seagal films and laughed at how "so bad it's good" his acting is (hey, I can't pick apart his fighting), I've created my own personalised desktop background featuring an image from everything I love, from 24 to Sonic the Hedgehog, then promptly changed it the next day, and ate more biscuits. All the stuff I'm good at.

Hats off, ladies and mentalmen. Amoose boosh?

Fortunate Son

2007-02-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

Well, madcap Bonkers fans, here they are: my final Semester One exam results for both my political modules. Now, remember I thought I'd fail these?

- Government and Politics of the United States of America
2,000 Word Essay: 63%
Multiple-Choice Examination: 49%
2-Hour Essay Examination: 57%
- Overall Final Mark for the Module: 57%

- The Politics and Policy of the European Union
PowerPoint Group Presentation: 61%
Group Briefing Paper: 60%
2-Hour Essay Examination: 61.5%
- Overall Final Mark for the Module: 61%

Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies and mentalmen, I'm going to find a large bottle of vodka and scream for roughly... ooh, three hours should do it. Peace out.

A New Hope

2007-02-08T04:18:00.000-08:00

Well, ye of little faith (I'm talking to myself here, madcap Bonkers fans)!

This week and next week, the exam results are officially published by Universities across the country and I've subsequently discovered my final mark for HIS2033: Imperial China. Remember, the one with the disasterous essay and "what a failings" comments made about it? The one I was certain would require a resit? 66%. That's a 2:1 Degree.

Whoa, that's a freaky picture... anywho, so I'm thinking if I did that well on an essay I thought was a complete and utter Chernobyl mushroom cloud of craptacularness (which I did), perhaps my Politics results next week won't be all that bad...? It's certainly a new hope that's formulated close to the front of my mind. So now the weekend couldn't be looking better: I'm getting a haircut and shave tomorrow, going shopping for healthy food, organising a night out to the cinema and generally feeling much better about stuff.

My new courses are helping, too... all except Middle Eastern Politics, which is tough. And I'm not talking tough as in "Oh no, I have to think about this one for more than ten seconds, panic stations!" tough. This isn't even Space Shuttle re-entry tile tough (which, as it turns out, is pretty weak). No, this is lead-lined armour-plated bullet-proof anti-bomb Presidential limo door tough. Eep.

Gotta love a challenge, though... peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

The Day After Tomorrow

2007-02-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

You know something, madcap Bonkers fans? For all the fuss I made about 2007 being a great year, the Year of Bond, I'm not so sure anymore. I mean, what's gonna happen that's exciting about this year?

There are new series' of 24 and Doctor Who, sure, but that'll be happening again and again. The only major bit of news will be the resignation of His Tonyness, due to happen sometime around May as he foretold last year. But unless there's a really bitter and bloody power struggle for Number 10 involving Gordon Brown being assassinated by MI6 or some dodgy tapes of him in bed with John Prescott's secretary (who knows?), it'll be a regular and boring handover of power. "Oh, we've got a new Prime Minister... what's for dinner?" And if it does turn out to be Brown, I'll be making this face:

Could that guy be any more of a tax-fuelled moron? Anyway, there are a few decent films coming soon, too, including The Simpsons Movie... In 2D and Transformers which will help the summer run smoothly and pass with a few laughs. Other than that, though, 2007 hasn't got much going for it. It's just gonna be a regular year.

2008. Now that's where the real fun'll be. Let's make a list of all the great stuff that's gonna happen in 2008 and compare with the above face to judge which year, this or the next, will be more exciting and interesting to live in, shall we? Right, starting with politics, we've got the US Presidential Primaries in January, followed by the US General Election in November. This will be amazing: in the Democrat Party, Obama versus Clinton in January will determine if we get the first Black American President or the first Female American President (does that make Bill the "First Man"? Discuss), because the Republicans don't have a shot in Hell. In the summer, I graduate (hopefully) from the University of Newcastle Upon Tyne and decide what to do with myself. I'm guessing watching the US Election coverage on the BBC will play a major part in said decision... bring on the chips and dip.

Then in the entertainment world... well, check this out for a list: Star Trek XI in the summer, Indiana Jones IV starring Harrison Ford is close behind and then finishing off in November with James Bond 22, Daniel Craig's second outing as 007. With unconfirmed rumours that we'll also see 24: The Movie making an apperance, well, what can I say? Wow just about sums it up.

In other words, ladies and mentalmen, I'll be seeing you all in 2008... peace out...

The Sentinel

2007-01-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

Oh my lordy-lord, madcap Bonkers fans... what a failings.

Since you heard from Bonkers headquarters, my good self has completed two exams on the subject of the politics of the United States of Americaland. Well, I say completed... I mean struggled through to the bloody conclusion, cuts across my face and sweat and tears forming the words on the page. So, all in all, it went as expected, then.

Remember last year's multiple choice examination on International Political Theory? How the questions were as simple as What is the capital city of England? A: London ? B: 1942? in all seriousness? Well, let me give you an example of a multiple choice question from last week's American government and politics one: Calculate the exact amount spent on the US Defence budget during the months October-December of 1935 converted into Yen. Based on your answer, what did Richard Nixon have for dinner on the evening of 7th April 1972? A: Chicken kiev? B: $253.02? C: Cuban Missile Crisis? D: The House of Representatives? I mean, come on! While the answer is blatantly D, I just felt like it wasn't going well...

Then came the essay-style questions. We were tasked with answering two in two hours. I turned over the paper, saw one I liked, answered it very well, felt pleased... then looked at the other six available questions and realised I didn't have an answer for any of them. I hurridly cobbled together something awkward about the November 2006 mid-terms, using A-Level stuff I'd learned about voting patterns, and left the room.

So now, with all the vigilance of a sentinel, I'm waiting for the results. Add to this the 63% I already know I got for the US essay and I think my overall mark will be a low 40%. And that's if I've passed at all. Also I looked over my Imperial China essay I handed in earlier on in the semester and realised it's absolute nonsense, so brilliant: I'm coming to August!

I've had a good few days of sitting in bed and watching Friends on DVD (oh yes, I got "The One With All Ten Seasons" from HMV... in other words, the complete saga of the sitcom is all mine! I'm halfway through Season 2 and I've realised I'm actually Chandler Bing: could I be more of a sarcastic and jokey layabout?) and eating biscuits. This morning I began an extensive job hunt, as I'm desperately short on cash when I reach the end of terms and, with Easter approaching faster than anybody actually realises (hello? Seven weeks? Panic! Grahrheaherhahshah, etc.), I need some extra cash in my back pocket, mainly for the House of Death (now with extra death and no extra cash). Oh, and the forthcoming release of Casino Royale on DVD needs to be purchased. Oh oh, and I'm now buying books for my new courses, which started this afternoon. Oh oh oh, and they're cool.

For now, however, I'm going to sign off, watch an episode of Friends, play some Medal of Honour: European Assault (in other words, shoot some Nazi stormtroopers) and simply chill out for a few hours. Hey, I think I've earned it...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall inevitably return.

Firewall

2007-01-17T16:16:00.000-08:00

One down, two to go...

The European Union exam, ladies and mentalmen, went not-so-badly after all. I didn't feel the need to run out of the room five minutes after sitting down screaming "HOLY HELL, WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS?", which is what I expected to do. I even managed to keep my composure intact until the very end. Wow. And I had to laugh: one colleague said to me afterwards that she didn't answer the question I had done because she didn't know what the word "obsolete" meant. And she's smart.

The two to go are on the United States of America, and it's a big topic. How big, I hear nobody asking? Well, I'll tell you: there's a practice exam paper up on the BlackBoard community site here and one of the questions is "How much did the US Congress allocate to the Defence Budget of 2004 in US Dollars?" Eep. Numbers. Panic!

But there's time enough to make a decent go of revision before the Day of Judgement arrives on Monday, and then we get a day off before Wednesday's final reckoning. And then...? And then I get a week off! Hurrah! Mwa ha ha, etc. etc. In that week, I shall be mostly staying over at Elspeth's after late-night game parties (Deal or No Deal DVD Game, anyone?), drinking some alcoholic substances (not a lot, mind, but just enough to enjoy myself and go a bit squiffy) and engaging in Leslie Nielsen/Jim Carrey/Harrison Ford/Friends DVD marathons with anyone who'll watch with me! How I've earned this break, oh Lordy-Lord...

In the meantime, revision beckons, and it's half past midnight. God bless coffee.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

2007-01-11T18:05:00.000-08:00

IT'S FRIDAY 12TH JANUARY!

EVEN THOUGH THE BLOG DATE SAYS IT'S NOT!

I'M WRITING IN BLOCK CAPITALS!

IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!

IT'S MUMSY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Now, stop drooling over the picture... there you go...

A double-feature posting for you all today, and I decided to keep this special birthday shout-out seperate from my phone-related rantings, so I demand that you all wish my Mum a happy birthday and raise a glass to wish her best wishes for the year ahead!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Hold On, I'm Putting You On Speaker...

2007-01-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

Ever been watching 24, madcap fans, and loved it when Jack's growled "Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker...", along with such famous quotes as "You're on with Bill Buchanan, also present is yada yada, etc. etc." and all the other tech-style talk of CTU Los Angeles?

More to the point, have you ever started reading this blog and thought "I wonder where he's going with this?" Well, this time I'll get straight to it and tell you: I've got a new mobile phone. Normally, technological updates don't bother me. I don't care how much RAM (whatever that is) my laptop has, or if my phone has a 1.2 megapixel camera or an MP3 Player or a washing machine or can tapdance like Bruce Forsythe when I say the word "watermellon"... as with most technology these days, I don't get the point. My dear old phone was the definition of my attitude to modern technology: it made and recieved calls, did texting, had a black-and-white screen and woke me up in the mornings. That's it. Really.

But recently it started to die. Technology, you see, is short-lived. In phone-years, my handset had been collecting what little state pension His Tonyness felt obliged to dole out for several decades. Like many residents of care homes, it forgot numbers, lost messages and switched off without warning. It was a slow, narcoleptic old phone.

It's the January Sales, I'd had enough of missing calls and misplacing directions to parties and low signal in the Bermuda Triangle of phone signal that is my room, and I was in town on the day my loan check arrived. To that end, ladies and mentalmen, I decided it was time to upgrade. But I didn't want anything fancy, oh no. You know what I'm like with new technology. These colour-screen, photo-taking, internet-capable mobile computers confuse me. They switch on and say "Hello Moto!", to which I look confused, thinking it's intelligent enough to speak to me, and answer with a shakey "Hello... how are you?" And then people laugh. So I chat with the nice man in the Orange shop on Northumberland Street. He explains that I am out of touch, that I'm technologically retarded, and that he's been using a 7.8 gig ZX47392 MegaRange GPS Nuclear Satellite Comms Device (from Nokia, no less) since he was three years old. It can make coffee for him in the morning, tie his tie for him (no wonder it looked a mess), shine his shoes for him and order a missile strike on Baghdad in seven different languages.

I tell him, awfully politely, that I don't give a damn. I want a phone that phones people, texts people and (grudgingly) takes pictures, since so many of my hip and with-it friends have camera phones and want to send me pictures all the time. He tells me that I really should sell a kidney and get a brain implant that calls the Moon, but I persist. In true Little Britain style, I pick a cheap(ish), pretty-looking phone and demand that "I want that one."

So I've joined the 21st Century (only took seven years) with a Motorola L6 mobile telecommunications device. It calls people. It sends text messages (even though it tries to type them for me by predicting which word I'll go for... I started typing "Hello..." and it wanted me to put "Help..." which, while summing up my feeling of desperation at the time, was not what I was going for). It takes pictures. It plays games (including 24 and Sonic the Hedgehog). My snazzy new wallpaper background, screensaver and ringtone have all been themed to James Bond. I can say "Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker..." and actually put you on speaker. And above all, I'm not ashamed to get it out in public when asking somebody's number (a feature listed in the catalogue). Overall, I'm quite proud of it.

Astonishingly, I'd recommend that those of you out there who haven't got up-to-date mobile phones should upgrade. I thought I didn't care, but now I'm the owner of a rather pleasing, flashy new gadget (ahem... easy target) I'm loving it, and spending more time with it than on revision, which is a worry. So there we have it, madcap Bonkers fans. Today's message: get with the times! Peace out.

Reloaded

2007-01-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

Guess how much work I've done, madcap Bonkers fans? Considering it's now Sunday and I was supposed to start on Thursday?

That's right: none. Well done, ten points. I actually, really, positively, properly, actually (you've done this one, Ed.), properly must start tomorrow morning at 09:00, however. Which I absolutely will be, no argument or questions or doubts. Imperial China's first up, as it was supposed to be on Thursday... what a nightmare it's gonna be! Sources are about as rare as a socialist making His Tonyness' Christmas card list, and it's longer than a conga at 3,000-3,500 words. All together now: eep.

But never fear, ladies and mentalmen, since I have a plan! And that plan is to be available over the summer break for resits... no, I'm joking! I've got a good feeling that it'll all go okay this time around, and that February will arrive with few incidents, but only if I work at it. I'd like to take this opportunity to send good thoughts and words of encouragement to all those taking exams this January, especially to Indy (you'll do fine, stop panicking), Elspeth (no worries, Cheesecake: you can copy mine if it all goes wrong) and Ollie (biggest genius I know, your pass is secured). When we hit February and get a chance to breath before the marks come in, we're all going to get well and truly smashed and gamble and do all the things that morality deems unacceptable at examination times (oh, okay, unacceptable all the time)! Woohoo!

Simon returns to the House of Death (now with extra death) tomorrow as well, and he's another panicked student... what was that advert? Malibu? "Chill out, mon!" Yeah, what he said...

In the meantime, you may be wondering, how did I manage to waste four days of potential essay-writing? Well, Thursday was my day off, since Tuesday and Wednesday were spent shopping for food, sorting things out, getting back home, etc. Then Friday was at Elspeth's makin' pasta and drinkin' wine, and Saturday was returning from Elspeth's and watching far too much of The Matrix trilogy for my own good. Today was more food shopping. In other words... I've done jack (ahem, easy target)!

Must dash: I've got something not very important to do somewhere equally as dull! Peace out, madcap fans. I shall return...

Tooth and Claw

2007-01-03T04:56:00.000-08:00

2007.

The Year of Bond, as I've been telling anyone who'll listen.

I hope all your Christmas and New Year celebrations went as well as mine did, madcap Bonkers fans, and that the gap in posting wasn't too painful (I know, but I'm back now, there there). And now we face an entire, brand new year, filled with promise and excitement! Well, we know a few things: His Tonyness steps down as Prime Minister this year, and George Dubya is in his final whole year before the 2008 Presidential Elections. The end of an era? One I won't cry over missing.

What I could do with missing, however, is January. With my Imperial China essay due (and no work started on it) and three exams (which I'm dreading) all sitting at the end of the month like big, sinister guardians of February, it's a hurdle I could do with missing. In fact, I wish I had one of these to just jump to February 1st, 2007:

Alas, I don't, and even if I did, it would only serve as a telephone booth... I could try and call February 1st and see how it all went, but otherwise... yes... moving on...

I'm off into town now to meet with the lovely Elspeth and catch up on events, then Thursday morning at 09:00 I'm in the library to get this Imperial China essay started, fighting tooth and claw to meet the deadline. The truckloads of research I need to do should be fun (that's a lie, but it makes me feel better)! Well, have a Happy New Year one and all, and I shall see you or write to you all soon.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

Congratulations!

2006-12-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update, ladies and mentalmen, for the sole purpose of creating a "shout out" (always wanted to say that) to Jill and Adam, who this weekend have been celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary!

I've been online with CTU L.A. via a secure node and decrypted enough chatter to learn that Jack sends his congratulations as well (always wanted to say that, too)! As my present to you guys to say well done, I'm suggesting you go to this link and watch the following trailer, as I understand you have broadband now!

http://www.24trailer.com/

Hope you enjoyed your weekend and that this milestone is the first of many on a long and happy road together. Take care, and see you in the coming holiday weeks!

Normal posting will resume later: in the meantime, peace out!

Dawn

2006-12-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right, madcap Bonkers fans... I've seen dawn this week. Twice. Oh yes, that's hardcore.

It's all thanks to several essays and assignments, all due within the next week. As predicted, the only word I can usually think of at this time of year is "panic", which I try to avoid as often as possible but, at 05:00, sometimes gets the better of me. Today I'm breaking from my US of Americaland essay to complete my Imperial China assignment, due Tuesday. Then tomorrow it's back to the library to continue talking about Yanks and Dubya (I've tried to get a Bushism in somewhere...) and Monday sees the beginning of the panic over the EU Briefing Paper, then more China to finish off the week.

I'm so going to love it when Matt and Queenie get here a week tomorrow: it'll be the first chance I've had to chill and have some holiday and mess around in about, ooh, a month? Okay, fine, so this is what real work is like, etc. etc. but you all know me: I fold like a deck of cards at the first sign of pressure! I feel like I've been doing this for a year, not four weeks! I tell you what is getting me through, though, above anything else...

...oh yes. Above re-watching Star Trek: Enterprise, being sent videos of the latest Have I Got News For You episodes, eating fish, drinking coffee and earning 952,567,328 points in Onslaught Mode in Star Trek: Encounters, the fact that it's December and it's Christmas in two weeks is just so brilliant! Trees are up in town, Fenwick's have a God-awful shop window display, charities are mugging shoppers on Northumberland Street, Starbucks have begun serving coffee in festive-decorated cardboard cups, every shop is playing "I Wish It Could Be Christmas (Every Day)" by Slade or Wizard or whoever, kids are screaming at their parents that they want this one, not that one, the House of Death (now with extra death) got it's first Christmas card (thanks, Mum), builders are wearing Santa hats, there are fifty million people in HMV and WHSmith and the temperature has dropped ten degrees in the past hour... and I love it!

So not as glum as you'd think, eh? I need to find an advent calendar and catch up on all the days of chocolate I've missed... anywho, one person I think who won't be affording presents this year is His Tonyness. You seen how much the Labour Party are in debt by? It's insane. And they've got some bloody cheek trying to encourage people to save more, in order to stop personal loans and massive family debt: talk about being hypocritical! Okay, so the Conservatives owe about the same, but A: they've got it secured against a building (according to Anne "Widdy" Widdecombe on Have I Got News For You... what a great show) and B: they're not in power! Sort it out, Prime Minister: I know you don't exactly get along with the guy who runs your finances, but this is ridiculous.

Freak tornado storms permitting, I'll be dashing about a lot more in coming days, so ladies and mentalmen can expect a further update soon enough. Oh, and before I go, congratulations Mum... you know what I'm talking about, right?

Peace out, madcap fans. I shall return...

These Aren't The Voyages...

2006-12-02T15:35:00.000-08:00

Star Trek: Encounters for PlayStation2 – Reviewed

“Space: the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange, new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilisations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Familiar words, I think you’ll all agree. You probably thought of them when you heard that Bethesda Softworks and 4J Studios were developing a new PlayStation2-exclusive Star Trek game entitled Star Trek: Encounters. As gaming history has shown us, the opening three sentences of the original television series has provided a rich and diverse base from which to launch flight simulators, action adventures and a whole host of other game types. Encounters, being a space simulator planting the player in direct control of multiple starships, hailing from all five incarnations of Star Trek, would be stacked to the rafters with new life, new civilisations and the chance to boldly meet and greet them all. The life of a starship captain on your Sony home console.

Far from it. In fact, if you were to take Encounters at face value and use it to sum up what Star Trek is all about, William Shatner’s famous introduction would have gone a little something like this…

“Space: the final warzone.
These are the battles of the Warship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to locate strange, new worlds; to seek out the life forms and civilisations that live there; to boldly blast them into tiny pieces of debris.”

Because that’s what this game is all about. There is no button marked “hailing frequencies” on the controller, no chance to ask why the Romulans have violated the Neutral Zone and started to spy on Federation Starbases. No, instead you’re sent into the middle of the Romulan base and ordered to lock phasers. It makes no difference that you’re supposedly doing this as Captain Jean-Luc Picard aboard the Enterprise-D, the star of the late-80’s The Next Generation which was all about peaceful negotiation and conflict resolution. You’ve got a very large Galaxy-Class Starship, your photon torpedoes are loaded and the Romulans aren’t happy to see you: go figure.

This is both the curse and genius of Encounters. As a fan of the television show, I can see how this game would annoy people. The spirit of Star Trek, the boldly going where no one has gone before, is replaced with massive space battles and stealth infiltration missions. The missions themselves, introduced by the bass tones of William “The Shat” Shatner himself, are broken down into the five eras (starting with Star Trek: Enterprise and going all the way through past Star Trek: Voyager to the latest films aboard the Enterprise-E) and have basic plots that don’t fit with continuity. The final mission opens a gigantic rift which sees all enemies from the Xindi to the Borg emerge and fight all five generations of Starfleet captain: Archer, Kirk, Picard, Sisko and Janeway all fight alongside one another in their respective ships. How? Don’t ask. There isn’t an answer.

The genius, however, is that this game makes Star Trek simply great fun. The PC-based games in the series are usually long, time-consuming and involving affairs, which is fine in its own right. They ask things like “distribute power to the nearest 0.5% between all two-hundred and eighty different ship systems”. Screw that: the closest Encounters gets to that is a simple system on the D-Pad which offers the chance to make engines or shields stronger at the expense of power to the sensors or weapons. Depending on your mission objective, re-assign power accordingly with one tap of one button. Job done, and you can continue vaporising rubber-faced aliens.

The weapon system of each starship is pretty much uniform across the board, and with over twenty different ships unlockable for the mini-games, this is helpful. Your right Analogue Stick controls a 360-Degree “target slice” which you can sweep around your starship to scan with. This often picks up warp trails during seek-and-destroy missions and, more importantly, allows you to gain a sensor lock on enemy craft. Depending on how long you hold down the sensor lock button (R2), you can target different components of an enemy vessel. You can even use the transporter in combat. For example: you need to capture a renegade Klingon Vor’Cha attack ship, so you target their engines and weapons, disable them, and are free to beam an Away Team over. Some ships logically have blind spots in their “target slice”, such as the NX-Class, which only has forward and rear mounted phase cannons in the television show. In the technical aspect at least, then, Encounters is loyal to the source material.

Some starships handle differently than others. Often it feels like you’re not in space but driving on ice (not a difficult leap to make, since the action plays out on a pretty-much flat surface, with the option to raise or lower your vessel by about one hundred meters in order to avoid asteroids and torpedoes). The change when playing through the Episode missions from Intrepid-Class Voyager to Sovereign-Class Enterprise-E is sharply noticeable: from quick, nippy and skittish to slow, graceful and imposing. Each mission map, however, seems tailored to suit the pre-assigned starship. There are a few features used in several different missions, including “warp gates” to propel your tiny ship past the speed of light (these never happened on telly, either) and towing objectives (which can get very slightly annoying when the antimatter you’re towing blows you up for the fifth time).

The Episode missions are fun, immersive and take between ten and twenty minutes to clear, and provide the main meat of Encounters. The vegetables around the side, far from being tacked-on extras, are where the real drop-in-and-out arcade-style thrills are to be found. Skirmish, Onslaught and Battle-Fest modes can be played alone or with a willing friend (although since I’m the only one who likes Star Trek in my flat, my friend needed to have his arm twisted… literally…) and provide either quick, entertaining blasts or lengthy dogfights. Choose either a standalone starship for a basic deathmatch, a fleet of three specific ships for a “last man standing” bout, or a co-operative effort to last as long as possible against an endless surge of hostiles. Can you beat Wave 99 (I’ve got a theory that if you beat Wave 99 the PlayStation2 de-materialises under the strain)? Oh, and the visuals? Gorgeous.

Unlockable arenas, starships and Character Cards that boost the systems of each generation put the icing on what is a genuinely thrilling cake. Bethesda Softworks are behind the forthcoming Star Trek: Legacy with all it’s depth and micromanagement, so if this sounds all too simple for you, that’s fine: they’ll get you one way or another. Technically, Encounters is a great game. The controls, while challenging at first, are unique and dynamic. The explosions and special effects come thick and fast, and the ships are big, armed to the teeth with various kinds of death.

The only question remains: if you’re a Star Trek fan, can you live with such a blatant piss-into-the-wind take on the franchise? Will Shatner bowl you over with his reading of a nonsensical script? Will you be ready to accept the utterly ludicrous (even by Trek standards) final mission?

“To boldly go where no one has gone before”, or “to boldly blast them into tiny pieces of debris”?

Graphics:
- Ships break apart quite nicely, and the backdrops are breathtaking.
- Shame they can’t paint the names and numbers on the front of the ships, though.
Sound:
- Some brilliant, atmospheric music, and then there’s always the Shat himself.
- Attempts at different phaser sounds for each ship seem to be forgotten at the end.
Gameplay:
- Endless battles, lightly dusted with stealth and a few races, are great fun.
- If you don’t like the controls, all you’ll do is moan.
Value for Money:
- The multiplayer will last forever, and there is a lot to do (and blow up).
- The twenty-one Episode missions can be beaten in twelve hours.

Overall Score
NINE OUT OF TEN

Frame Of Mind

2006-11-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

I should be in bed...

The presentation about possible Turkish accession to the European Union was today, madcap Bonkers fans, and as always we ended up laughing too much and missing beats so that when somebody said "Turkey would benefit from CAP..." the PowerPoint behind them said "The population is mainly Muslim..."

What else could it have been, though: it was one of my presentations! Considering the road to this presentation was much longer (and hence much more rocky) than ever before, however, this time it was slightly disappointing to have it all fall apart again, no matter how last minute the edits were. Thankfully, the group that went before us were absolutely awful, so we looked pretty good and sounded a little better, despite a central argument that boiled down to "let the buggers in". A sneak peak at the scores from Jocelyn at the end (earned because I'm charming, naturally) indicate a good-to-fair percentage for this. The group seemed happy, too, but that might have been relief...

I sacrificed Wednesday with Dad at Saltburn for this. Accordingly, I'm off early in the morning to join him for the day (less work to do on a Friday than midweek, so we'll have some time)! Really looking forward to the day's holiday before I get back and start my United States of Americaland essay on Saturday. Oh, I've chosen my title: it's about how US foreign policy has changed since 9/11... very topical and up-to-date, meaning it's right up my ally (ahem)! Of course, this Jack isn't all work and no play (heavens, no!). Star Trek: Encounters is released tomorrow for PlayStation2, so in between talking about terrorists and Middle East interests I'll be blowing Xindi out of the stars and beaming away from Borg.

My frame of mind has never been more determined to relax and enjoy the weekend! Those of you lucky enough to be near a designated Bonkers agent (ie: Mumsy) will no doubt have already seen the lovely pictures of my new Christmas room here at the Castle that is New! I told you I got excited about this holiday... a 3ft tree, a garland of lights and ribbons across my bed's headboard and some flashing strip lighting sprawled over one wall completes the seasonal feel. I've taken to calling this place "the Grotto", and yes, you're all welcome to sit on my knee if you like...

Like I said, I should be in bed, so here I go. Another short entry... I should keep up with the news more so I can make topical, satirical comments, shouldn't I? Oh well. There's always next week...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen!

All Hands To Pumps (Ahem)...

2006-11-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

So this is it, madcap Bonkers fans. Oh, incidentally, do you like the new profile picture?

Anyway, to refocus back onto my dramatic opening... this is it. From now, 19:55 on Friday 24th November, until the end of term, there's no more PlayStation2, no more cinema (I've seen Casino Royale four times now, which should be enough), no more DVDs or late nights drinking in costume. At least, not until January's exams are over.

With deadlines rapidly approaching, Bonkers headquarters is being turned into a massive powerhouse of University work, starting with this coming Thursday's EU Turkish Membership assignment. Then it's my US Government essay of 2,000 words to finish, then my Imperial China history essay to begin alongside revision for the January exams of US Government and EU Policy. Am I looking forward to it? Hmm... as much as I love work (oh, and I do) and it should be interesting, I'm willing to confess that I'm a little apprehensive: I've got so much ground to cover in such little time. It'll be no problem and it'll all work out in the end (it always does... my life is becoming more and more like a Hollywood film, and since I'm the hero I've got to win), but getting it to work out will be tough.

Should be great fun, though. In the meantime, Christmas is approaching and present ideas are slowly forthcoming (Matt, you're in for a hillarious Christmas). Oh, and I've found a new reason for living (beyond Casino Royale as stated in last week's review): Starbuck's Coffee House White Chocolate Mocca. Heaven in a paper cup, honestly! If God existed and had a special drink, it would be this.

Signing off, ladies and mentalmen. More political chat coming soon (you seen that new Conservative-supported advertisement campaign about student debt? 'Tosser' is one of the words I would have definately used without prompting...)!

Peace out, chin up.