Bonkers Loony Conspiracy

Hope and Fear

2007-05-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and mentalmen... today was certainly an eventful event-filled event of events containing eventfullness. Allow me to explain...

Firstly, today was the date of my presentation in Politics of the Middle East. I wasn't looking forward to this: research was hardly wholesome on the subject of Afghanistan and the Taliban. Stories of grim tales involving beheadings, public beating, the oppression of women... while I'm hardly one to deny another's culture and beliefs, I found some of the research personally disturbing. So, in an effort to plough on through, I tried to take a semi-lighthearted approach to the subject, and it could have easily backfired. It didn't, however: it worked perfectly. Everyone seemed interested in what I had to say on the balance of hope and fear gripping Afghanistan, and they loved the handouts I produced, even more so than the other presenters (including Cheesecake herself) who were all stone-faced and serious when discussing the Taliban social control. Instead, I said "they were not allowed to forecast the weather, as this was deemed to be sorcery" and got my laugh.

But that's not all. I managed this after only two hours of sleep Monday night! How, I hear you ask? Well, industrial amounts of bananas and coffee is the obvious answer. I wasn't sleeping particularly well and the guys in the flat, having been worked to the bone to meet their recent deadline, were up and about, their sleeping patterns ruined. Some noise was made, I was woken, I got up at 05:25 and had a pee, then thought "Well, can't sleep now!" so preceeded to polish my script and watch Star Trek: Voyager for the next three hours. It's no biggie, but I'm absolutely knackered now (18:51 Tuesday) and have a 09:00 lecture tomorrow. The solution? It's the perfect time to get sleep patterns back on track! So by 22:00 I'll be in bed, showered and clean, all tucked up for ten hours of snooze-fest. Job done.

Oh, and then there's the small matter of my third year Module Selection choices being posted up yesterday in the History Department. Now, let me remind you of some facts: a lot of people got e-mails telling them to re-select because their first, second and third choices were full (people who were three places behind me in the queue that nightmarish Wednesday). There's been silence for weeks. Some people Cheesecake and I bumped into this morning, before we'd checked, said they were down for their second and third choices. It wasn't looking good... the running theme of hope and fear from my work on Afghanistan was looming over my head: the hope that I'd get my first choice modules battling with the fear of being resigned to that dodgy birth control module or, even worse, something to do with British history (eep).

But hope won out.

Not only are all my first choices confirmed, but Cheesecake has gotten them too, meaning it's no change in the team and it's a definate win for the third year! How, you ask, once again hanging on my every word... no, over here... hello? WAKE UP! Anywho, it means my modules are Nazi Germany, the Nuremberg Trials, Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism and my Politics Dissertation, over which I had a brainwave last night. So let's break that down... Nazi Germany and the Nuremberg Trials: who do you know with more knowledge? Exactly, nobody! Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism: clearly it's going to be all spies and MI6, and I'll bet James Bond is mentioned not once, not twice, but thrice. As for my Politics Dissertation, get this for an early title: New Worlds and New Civilisations - The Politics of Modern Science Fiction. So that's Hitler, 007 and Captain Archer making up my entire third year. I'm so going to pass everything, innit.

There is still a battle between hope and fear to be won, madcap Bonkers fans. The hope of the third year is a light just out of reach beyond the fear of the upcoming exams. In less than a week, I'll have sat my Space Race exam. In just over two, I'll have finished them all. Fall at this hurdle, and that perfect third year will disappear.

To which end, I've no idea why I'm wasting time writing here. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen... I shall revise...

Year of Hell

2007-05-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Why so glum, madcap Bonkers fans? Surely today, the day in which His Tonyness announced his impending doom, would be cause for celebration? Why is 2007 the Year of Hell?

I'll tell you why, ladies and mentalmen. Because when Blair the Liar has gone, we will be left with the most awful Prime Minister: Gordon Brown. A man who thinks nothing of raising taxes, who has lied more than Blair ever could, who has displayed himself as a thug and a brute and a bully. You thought Clarke, Reid and Campbell were the worst of it? You haven't seen Brown yet. And to make matters even worse, his rise to power is completely undemocratic: he'll be "appointed" our Prime Minister by his Labour cronies... whoops, sorry, I meant peers... no, wait... cronies was correct.

We started the Year of Hell with one lousy Prime Minister. We'll end it with one even worse.

But what of His Tonyness? What will become of him in July when he fades into the darkness of "normal" life? Well, accepting an honour or peerage is out of the question: how hypocritical and ironic would Lord Tony of Blair be, eh? A man who has shown utter contempt for the House of Lords being in it...? Never. So perhaps a knighthood? No. Blair deserves a knighthood for services to the British people about as much as I deserve a knighthood for services to Thrash Metal. I seriously doubt Her Majesty would have will strong enough to keep her from swinging the sword sideways as She dubbed him Sir Tonyness. I fear Blair will simply do what his wife does: travel to Americaland and Australia and make a pension on the speech circuit. Although why anyone would pay to listen to him drone on about being a waste of space is beyond me...

Guess who Politician of the Year is for me, madcap fans? You're right: anyone but Blair. Or Brown. Or anyone involved with Labour. Or the Liberal Democrats. Or anyone else who isn't David Cameron.

Best moment of the day: George W Bush paying tribute to His Tonyness. Here's the quote: "I have found him to be a man who's kept his word which is sometimes rare in the political circles I run in." How many things, ladies and mentalmen, can you spot wrong with that sentence? I count three, you? If you don't want to know the results, look away now. A: Blair doesn't keep his word. B: "Sometimes rare", Mr. President? So it's common, then? So Blair isn't that unique after all? C: Of course you don't meet people who keep their word, Bushy. You're a Republican.

Hillarious comments from Basil Bush aside, His Tonyness used the day to leer over the so-called "achievements" he has made and try to convince everyone he'll have a worthwhile legacy to leave behind. It's funny: an NHS in ruins, an economy in massive amounts of debt, half our armed forces spread across the Middle East (with the other half suffering from all kinds of death), a corrupt government, an out-of-control civil service, an immigration problem and a nose severely browned from being lodged up Dubya's backside is hardly something I'd like engraved on my tombstone. Well, if it's good enough for you, Blair. It'll give us all a laugh in years to come when the Conservatives have straightened the decks.

For all those wishing to complain about my take on the situation, please write to: 123 Fake Street, Nowheresville (Near Reykjavic), Yemin, ABC 007. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Your statutoty rights will become null and void. Must be edible.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

Future's End

2007-05-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

Still no word from the department, as I write this, about my module selection for my third year. Surprising, isn't it?

You're right, it isn't. The incompetance of these people is beyond me: a right shambles. The exam timetables were only posted around today, too, and guess what? I've only got two weeks before my first one. Two weeks?! It's insane. Although I would have half-expected a phonecall the morning before saying "This is the History Department letting you know you've got an exam in ten minutes..." Thank goodness I've been kept busy during my wait, ladies and mentalmen: with UFO sightings, drinking games (ooh, no... no no no... no), a presentation to prepare, Star Trek: Voyager to watch, etc. etc.

Oh yes, and political parties to vote for! Today is election day, madcap Bonkers fans, and I hope you've all either gone and voted or are about to go and vote! Polls close at 10pm: David Cameron told me that in an e-mail this morning, urging me to exercise my democratic right. So I did, and also gained a lovely walk in the sunshine, so I'm thinking it's win-win! Unless my party loses, in which case it'll be win-lose. Or if my party loses and my knee starts hurting due to the walk, because then it'll be lose-lose... or if my knee hurts but my party win, then it'll be lose-win... am I overthinking this? (Yes. Get on with it. Ed.)

I'm just praying that Labour suffer a huge defeat today: with His Tonyness leaving this plane of existence (finally) in "a matter of weeks" (please, let the door hit you on the way out), a tough time at the polls today will give Gordon Brown the weakest start to his Prime Ministership, leaving it wide open for David Cameron to swoop down on the shambolic Labour government and make mincemeat of them before the next General Election. Although, I have to say, anyone would be better than George W. Bush... here's a topical quote for the day from America's Beloved Leader of the Free World (hint: sarcasm) - "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

Well done, genius. Until I return, ladies and mentalmen, peace out...

State of Flux

2007-04-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Since I've been here at Newcastle University, madcap Bonkers fans, can you recall me ever saying anything nasty about the staff and offices that work here? Have I ever done anything to offend a member of staff? Have I shot their canary or run over their dog or kidnapped their baby? Have I ever failed any assessment? Have I been annoying to them?

The answer to all those questions is, as you know, "no". And I'm sure that if you ask the same questions of 95% of my coursemates on Politics and History, you'll get the same answer. Add to that everyone taking regular History, the Classics, Archaeology and combined studies (including History) and you've got a lot of people... over one thousand students. And I'm sure they'd all answer "no" as well. My point? Well, first I'd like to apologise in advance to Mumsy, but I'm about to use language I would normally avoid.

The School of Historical Studies here at Newcastle University have treated my fellow students and I like complete shit today. And we've done nothing to deserve it.

First, a weather report: it's boiling here today in Newcastle. The sun is shining nicely and only now, at 17:42, a few clouds are rolling in to block it out. There's been a breeze to keep people cool outside, but inside it's sweltering. Which is obviously why some complete tool decided to walk in to the University this morning and say "Oh, let's turn on the central heating." So they did. And indoor temperatures rose. A lot. So much so that even standing still inside the School of Historical Studies made you sweat. Could a member of staff be bothered to open a window? Well, if there was one, no. Unfortunately, all the windows are in staff offices, making sure they're all nice and comfortable. Lucky them.

You already know the situation about the module caps, ladies and mentalmen. Today was module selection day, meaning we all dutifully sign up to our chosen modules and hope we get in... with caps of 14 places on all modules. So there would always be competition. I knew this. Everyone knew this. It sucked, but it was a fact of life. But wait: last year, the BlackBoard Interactive Website was used for module signup, so it was easy and quick to get the modules you wanted. But this year, it broke down two weeks before Easter. Hmm... six weeks before module signup... no, can't fix it in that amount of time. Even though the other departments were using it fine: just History said "Oh, we'll just get everyone to come in, fill out a form and we'll process it ourselves."

Genius. So today everyone doing History, Politics and History, the Classics, Archaeology and combined studies (including History) had to go and queue for the capped modules on a first-come, first-serve basis. So, that's roughly 500 second-year students fighting it out for extremely limited places on the best courses to undertake in their third, most important, final year. Some of the options available are pathetically weak, and nobody would have picked them: it seems students are being spread thin over a wide selection so the University can go "Look! We offer so much! Aren't we wonderful?" Well, to be honest, no. So many people will be disappointed... especially after today.

The School of Historical Studies doesn't have a large office. It boasts all of three staff members. It has enough room for, oh, five people in it, at a push. So some utter plank (probably the tool responsible for the central heating being turned on) decided to make all 500 students come to the office at the same time: 1pm today. This is an impossible crush. A pointless futile cattle market with pushing, shoving and general other types of hellish merryment. But that's not all: the idiots in charge then said "...and at the same time, we'll get the first years to pick their second-year modules too!" So that's another 500, maybe 600, people.

The queues took over four hours to clear. I was lucky: Elspeth and I, sensing the danger, went early. An hour early. And we still queued for one and a half hours. In a long, narrow corridor leading to the office. Crushed between 1,000 other people. Trying to get to the front so that they get their options before the places run out. With the central heating on. Noise. Smells. And some stressed-out cow at the front of the queue shouting orders like Hitler. "Get in line!" "No eating!" "Do not push!" "Get out the way!"

And do you know what the worst part is, madcap fans? I don't even know what I'm doing next year.

At first, the process involved entering the School of Historical Studies office, being called forward by one of the three staff at a computer, and then handing them your form while they entered the information on the database and confirmed your choices. If you had to pick a second or reserve choice, they told you. You left with a printout of your confirmed third-year modules. The queues weren't moving. Suddenly, some bright spark remembered they had over 1,000 people to process and decided to speed things up. So you were hearded into the office, your form was ripped from your grasp, and they wrote the time down on it. Then you were asked to leave with a cursory comment: "You'll be e-mailed by Friday and told which modules you'll be doing."

It was a complete joke. You either laughed or cried. Thankfully, I was with enough good-spirited people to laugh, and we actually had some fun in the otherwise-nightmarish, claustrophobic corridor queue. We all went to the Union afterwards and downed a few pints of cider to refresh, and enjoyed the cool breeze on the grass.

I am angry... no, fuming. How dare the University have the bare-faced cheek to attempt to process prospective third-year students alongside a swarm of brattish second-years and then have the audacity to "let you know" by e-mail what you'll be studying for your final year? It's pathetic. If I had options, I'd seriously consider leaving Newcastle and completing my degree at any university that would take me. Some people I know are doing just that. But I'm signed on for residence in the House of Death for next year, and wouldn't do that to the guys, nor Elspeth, who is staying. And I like my lecturers (Russia this morning was excellent, as usual). But if I have to deal with the School of Historical Studies or anyone involved in the planning of today's module signup again...

...it won't be pretty. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I'll be back.

Strange New World, Part II

2007-04-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

You might be interested in this, madcap Bonkers fans...

...crazy, eh?

Strange New Worlds

2007-04-21T05:22:00.000-07:00

It's finally happened, madcap Bonkers fans. I've finally lost my mind.

It's either that, or aliens really do exist and are really visiting this planet. Thursday night at around 23:00 over towards Jesmond Dene park here in Newcastle, a V-shaped craft, with a horseshoe-shape ring of bright white lights on it's underside, was hovering over the valley. It hovered for about four seconds, during which time I tried to reach for my phone to take a picture. Alas, in the fifth second, the lights got brighter and it streaked away in what I'd estimate to be a 0-300mph jump which took the blink of an eye.

Now you all know me: been to a few airshows, like military technology, etc. Not only is there nothing like this ever created, it was an unaerodynamic shape, so how did it move so fast? Also, if it was military, why are they testing over such a populated area? And why over Newcastle, when the nearest military base is miles and miles away?

I've done a quick sketch of what I saw and hope to get it scanned in so that I can post it up during my next rant. But of all the people to see a UFO, it would have to be me, wouldn't it?

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. To boldly go...

Two Days and Two Nights

2007-04-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, madcap Bonkers fans. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Allow me to fill in the blanks a little for you. T'was Easter holidays, you see, and neither Mother nor Father have the internet installed anymore, so cut off from technology and cyberspace I was at a loss to update you all on certain progressions. I know... tragic. Anywho, I've now been back in the Castle that is New for a little over two days and two nights now, and have only just gotten around to typing this: that's right, I have things to do. Makes a change, eh?

Change would seem to be the buzzword right about now. Mother has a new car, a rather nice Fiat Punto, to replace the poor departed Vauxhall Corsa... but not before the Ford Focus that engulfed both her and I during the first two weeks of Easter (and had a lovely CD player on board, I might add) ate lots of fuel and, thanks to a luxurious ride, made all other cars feel like you were driving a milkfloat with burst tyres. While wearing oven gloves. On the moon. Matt, meanwhile, has shifted jobs a little, leaving DEFRA and now maybe even heading towards more work with Her Majesty's (God bless her, and all who sail in her) Royal Air Force. But that's not before Eva the Snake needs to change her habits on pain of death. And I changed my underwear at 01:00 Thursday morning after driving up from Cuxton to Saltburn in a record four and a half hours at an average speed of 80mph... while Dad, ridden with a flu-type virus, fell asleep behind the wheel three times. I'll tell you, watching action films with cars swerving all over the road may be exciting, but being in one for real? Thank goodness there were no bullets. Oh, and guess who's changed assistants?

Then come next Wednesday I'll have registered my new Third Year modules at the History Department's annual "Hectic Scrum-Fest 3000", with places on History modules capped at 14 and only two hours in which to register for them. So I'll need to change notepads, book orders, etc. etc. And I'll be changing my favourite Star Trek series from Star Trek: Enterprise to Star Trek: Voyager after the chance to get a few seasons of Captain Janeway's Delta Quadrant adventures on DVD (too good to pass up, I'm afraid. That's another month's rent gone, then. Kidding, kidding...), and then who knows? If the exams arrive in four weeks and I start to panic, I might even be changing occupations and becoming a full time dustman. No, really.

A lot can happen in two days and two nights. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

...unless, of course, anything changes...

Fortunate Son, Part II

2007-03-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

A very Happy Mother's Day shout-out, ladies and mentalmen, to the one and only mother who has supported my (sometimes not so) good self and whom I get to see in less than a week!

If the trains were cancelled, Mumsy, this is how hard I would try to get home (or alternatively there's always the bus)! Love and hugs, see you soon, and thank you for being the World's Best Mum!

Peace out, madcap Mumsy... I shall return...

11:59

2007-03-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

Most of you reading this blog will be aware of recent tragic events. I choose not to mention them in detail, in order to avoid trivialising them in an otherwise humour-filled, lighthearted blog. Needless to say, hearts and minds are with all affected.

Okay, other, more regular, news for you madcap Bonkers fans, then! I know what I'm going to be doing in my third year of University! There's gonna be a manic gladiatorial battle to get on the History modules, as they're capped at 14 places... that's right, one-four. We had a meeting today and apparently the caps are to "encourage a more productive working atmosphere". Yeah, bollocks. It's just to force latecomers into doing pointless and boring modules like, and I'm serious when I tell you this is an actual module available next year, HIS3021: Devices and Desires - Birth Control, Sexuality and Reproduction in History (man alive, what on Earth?). So while my Politics choices are all safe, with caps of over 100 places if at all, the History places are going to be the result of a struggle after the Easter vacation. And the bad news? All the good ones are History modules.

As it stands, my goal is to be taking the following... POL3086: Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism (20 credits); Dissertation in Politics (40 credits); HIS3096: Nazi Germany (30 credits); HIS3110: The Nuremberg Doctors' Trial (30 credits). There are several possible back-ups for History, though, including a module on Soviet Premiere Gorbachev and something about Stalinism... yes, that's right, you observant ladies and mentalmen: I'm sticking close to what I know for my third year, namely Nazis and Soviets. It served me well at A-Level and I'm hoping it's my guarantee for good marks to graduate with. Hell, it's more interesting than birth control...

All this is happening as Easter draws nearer, reminding us all that there's only four weeks when we return before the exam period, and then... then it's the third year. My final year of education (well, probably my final year). In twelve months I'll not only be 20 years old but be having to consider things like career choices and tax and salaries and driving licences and oh no I've gone cross-eyed...

In other news, I received a text this morning confirming the write-off status of Mum's Vauxhall Corsa. This is sad news indeed, but there's an upside. It means that while I'm with Mum over Easter, we can go car shopping! It does mean I probably won't get to see the swanky Ford Focus 1.8 that Mum's been parading around and falling in love with, but it also means I get to influence the decision on what car Mum drives for potentially the rest of her life... oh, what power! No, I'm kidding, seriously Mum, you're in safe hands. And don't worry: I won't push you into buying something like an Aston Martin (oh, if only). We'll find the right car for you, don't you worry about a thing. Test drives? I think so!

I have to dash off now, madcap Bonkers fans, and go to Tesco to spend no money on chocolate honest (phew, got out of that one...) and ask them why my clubcard still hasn't arrived. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return!

Zero Hour

2007-03-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

What is with people changing things?

Blogger just demanded I create a new Google Account (whatever one of those is) to move my Blog over to somewhere new or something and add more details to my already long list of details or something. I didn't wanna do it but I kinda had to in order to keep Bonkers here running. See what I sacrifice for you, madcap fans?

And my flatmates keep changing the heating times because they stay up all night, meaning I'm sweating in bed at night, and when I open my window because of all the sweat (logical, I think you'll agree) they complain that I'm wasting energy! Hey guys, you know what: staying up all night wastes energy! Sleeping regains energy! I'm wasting energy? Ablaghalargalargablah!

With all the changing going on I decided to change my username and picture, too, so hopefully you should be seeing the new logo for Bonkers on your left (makes gesture similar to that of an airline hostess pointing to emergency exits... yeah, because that's the image you wanna be thinking of right before your inevitable destruction) and the new name underneath all this senseless rambling and senseless nonsense... no sense... less... no... oh, whatever!

On a completely unrelated topic, one of the ladies and mentalmen who views this Blog (whom I know very well) was involved in an accident that saw a car (which I also know rather well, but not as well as the person driving) smashed between a pregnant lady's car (whom I don't know, nor do I know the car) and a gentleman driver's saloon (again, an unknown, although I think I dated the car back in '89...) resulting in much broken glass. I call upon you all to send good thoughts to this Blog, and they will be repackaged by the Royal Mail, weighed and measured and sent on to the unfortunate person I know very well in six to eight weeks (postage and packing free, you lucky rascals, you). Hugs all round, well done for not freaking out, love you.

Right, I'm off to drink some more coffee (more? More? More, you say?) and then ask why I'm so alert, hyper and manic today... I have no idea, really... blarghlargalalrgharg!

I do that too much, I think... peace out, I shall return...

In a Mirror, Darkly

2007-02-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

I went shopping for some clothes the other day, madcap Bonkers fans. I never go shopping for clothes. My fashion sense is about as switched on as Terry Wogan's. After his eyes have been pecked out by crows. And yet still I went, still I looked, still I liked and still I purchased (but at very budget prices, due to my overdraft being so large I may have to contemplate having my limbs repossessed).

...hey, at least I didn't come out with anything that colour! But you think he looks a little silly in that, perhaps you should try to imagine something twice as bad. Got it? That's a quarter of how silly I looked when I got home and tried my new stuff on. Add more stupidness, a little more sillyness, and ten times it by ten, and you've got the end result: stuff three sizes (I think I got all that maths right...) too small. I looked in a mirror, darkly, and decided enough was enough. I was trying too hard at something I'm just not made for. Gucci, Versace, FCUK (yeah, and you)... I've given up, I took it all back, spent the money on biscuits and retreated to my House of Death (now with extra fashion shame).

I'm sticking to stuff I'm good at and know. To that end, I've written my first 400-word assignment for Middle Eastern Politics, which I was quite happy to submit, I've watched several Steven Seagal films and laughed at how "so bad it's good" his acting is (hey, I can't pick apart his fighting), I've created my own personalised desktop background featuring an image from everything I love, from 24 to Sonic the Hedgehog, then promptly changed it the next day, and ate more biscuits. All the stuff I'm good at.

Hats off, ladies and mentalmen. Amoose boosh?

Fortunate Son

2007-02-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

Well, madcap Bonkers fans, here they are: my final Semester One exam results for both my political modules. Now, remember I thought I'd fail these?

- Government and Politics of the United States of America
2,000 Word Essay: 63%
Multiple-Choice Examination: 49%
2-Hour Essay Examination: 57%
- Overall Final Mark for the Module: 57%

- The Politics and Policy of the European Union
PowerPoint Group Presentation: 61%
Group Briefing Paper: 60%
2-Hour Essay Examination: 61.5%
- Overall Final Mark for the Module: 61%

Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies and mentalmen, I'm going to find a large bottle of vodka and scream for roughly... ooh, three hours should do it. Peace out.

A New Hope

2007-02-08T04:18:00.000-08:00

Well, ye of little faith (I'm talking to myself here, madcap Bonkers fans)!

This week and next week, the exam results are officially published by Universities across the country and I've subsequently discovered my final mark for HIS2033: Imperial China. Remember, the one with the disasterous essay and "what a failings" comments made about it? The one I was certain would require a resit? 66%. That's a 2:1 Degree.

Whoa, that's a freaky picture... anywho, so I'm thinking if I did that well on an essay I thought was a complete and utter Chernobyl mushroom cloud of craptacularness (which I did), perhaps my Politics results next week won't be all that bad...? It's certainly a new hope that's formulated close to the front of my mind. So now the weekend couldn't be looking better: I'm getting a haircut and shave tomorrow, going shopping for healthy food, organising a night out to the cinema and generally feeling much better about stuff.

My new courses are helping, too... all except Middle Eastern Politics, which is tough. And I'm not talking tough as in "Oh no, I have to think about this one for more than ten seconds, panic stations!" tough. This isn't even Space Shuttle re-entry tile tough (which, as it turns out, is pretty weak). No, this is lead-lined armour-plated bullet-proof anti-bomb Presidential limo door tough. Eep.

Gotta love a challenge, though... peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

The Day After Tomorrow

2007-02-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

You know something, madcap Bonkers fans? For all the fuss I made about 2007 being a great year, the Year of Bond, I'm not so sure anymore. I mean, what's gonna happen that's exciting about this year?

There are new series' of 24 and Doctor Who, sure, but that'll be happening again and again. The only major bit of news will be the resignation of His Tonyness, due to happen sometime around May as he foretold last year. But unless there's a really bitter and bloody power struggle for Number 10 involving Gordon Brown being assassinated by MI6 or some dodgy tapes of him in bed with John Prescott's secretary (who knows?), it'll be a regular and boring handover of power. "Oh, we've got a new Prime Minister... what's for dinner?" And if it does turn out to be Brown, I'll be making this face:

Could that guy be any more of a tax-fuelled moron? Anyway, there are a few decent films coming soon, too, including The Simpsons Movie... In 2D and Transformers which will help the summer run smoothly and pass with a few laughs. Other than that, though, 2007 hasn't got much going for it. It's just gonna be a regular year.

2008. Now that's where the real fun'll be. Let's make a list of all the great stuff that's gonna happen in 2008 and compare with the above face to judge which year, this or the next, will be more exciting and interesting to live in, shall we? Right, starting with politics, we've got the US Presidential Primaries in January, followed by the US General Election in November. This will be amazing: in the Democrat Party, Obama versus Clinton in January will determine if we get the first Black American President or the first Female American President (does that make Bill the "First Man"? Discuss), because the Republicans don't have a shot in Hell. In the summer, I graduate (hopefully) from the University of Newcastle Upon Tyne and decide what to do with myself. I'm guessing watching the US Election coverage on the BBC will play a major part in said decision... bring on the chips and dip.

Then in the entertainment world... well, check this out for a list: Star Trek XI in the summer, Indiana Jones IV starring Harrison Ford is close behind and then finishing off in November with James Bond 22, Daniel Craig's second outing as 007. With unconfirmed rumours that we'll also see 24: The Movie making an apperance, well, what can I say? Wow just about sums it up.

In other words, ladies and mentalmen, I'll be seeing you all in 2008... peace out...

The Sentinel

2007-01-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

Oh my lordy-lord, madcap Bonkers fans... what a failings.

Since you heard from Bonkers headquarters, my good self has completed two exams on the subject of the politics of the United States of Americaland. Well, I say completed... I mean struggled through to the bloody conclusion, cuts across my face and sweat and tears forming the words on the page. So, all in all, it went as expected, then.

Remember last year's multiple choice examination on International Political Theory? How the questions were as simple as What is the capital city of England? A: London ? B: 1942? in all seriousness? Well, let me give you an example of a multiple choice question from last week's American government and politics one: Calculate the exact amount spent on the US Defence budget during the months October-December of 1935 converted into Yen. Based on your answer, what did Richard Nixon have for dinner on the evening of 7th April 1972? A: Chicken kiev? B: $253.02? C: Cuban Missile Crisis? D: The House of Representatives? I mean, come on! While the answer is blatantly D, I just felt like it wasn't going well...

Then came the essay-style questions. We were tasked with answering two in two hours. I turned over the paper, saw one I liked, answered it very well, felt pleased... then looked at the other six available questions and realised I didn't have an answer for any of them. I hurridly cobbled together something awkward about the November 2006 mid-terms, using A-Level stuff I'd learned about voting patterns, and left the room.

So now, with all the vigilance of a sentinel, I'm waiting for the results. Add to this the 63% I already know I got for the US essay and I think my overall mark will be a low 40%. And that's if I've passed at all. Also I looked over my Imperial China essay I handed in earlier on in the semester and realised it's absolute nonsense, so brilliant: I'm coming to August!

I've had a good few days of sitting in bed and watching Friends on DVD (oh yes, I got "The One With All Ten Seasons" from HMV... in other words, the complete saga of the sitcom is all mine! I'm halfway through Season 2 and I've realised I'm actually Chandler Bing: could I be more of a sarcastic and jokey layabout?) and eating biscuits. This morning I began an extensive job hunt, as I'm desperately short on cash when I reach the end of terms and, with Easter approaching faster than anybody actually realises (hello? Seven weeks? Panic! Grahrheaherhahshah, etc.), I need some extra cash in my back pocket, mainly for the House of Death (now with extra death and no extra cash). Oh, and the forthcoming release of Casino Royale on DVD needs to be purchased. Oh oh, and I'm now buying books for my new courses, which started this afternoon. Oh oh oh, and they're cool.

For now, however, I'm going to sign off, watch an episode of Friends, play some Medal of Honour: European Assault (in other words, shoot some Nazi stormtroopers) and simply chill out for a few hours. Hey, I think I've earned it...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall inevitably return.

Firewall

2007-01-17T16:16:00.000-08:00

One down, two to go...

The European Union exam, ladies and mentalmen, went not-so-badly after all. I didn't feel the need to run out of the room five minutes after sitting down screaming "HOLY HELL, WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS?", which is what I expected to do. I even managed to keep my composure intact until the very end. Wow. And I had to laugh: one colleague said to me afterwards that she didn't answer the question I had done because she didn't know what the word "obsolete" meant. And she's smart.

The two to go are on the United States of America, and it's a big topic. How big, I hear nobody asking? Well, I'll tell you: there's a practice exam paper up on the BlackBoard community site here and one of the questions is "How much did the US Congress allocate to the Defence Budget of 2004 in US Dollars?" Eep. Numbers. Panic!

But there's time enough to make a decent go of revision before the Day of Judgement arrives on Monday, and then we get a day off before Wednesday's final reckoning. And then...? And then I get a week off! Hurrah! Mwa ha ha, etc. etc. In that week, I shall be mostly staying over at Elspeth's after late-night game parties (Deal or No Deal DVD Game, anyone?), drinking some alcoholic substances (not a lot, mind, but just enough to enjoy myself and go a bit squiffy) and engaging in Leslie Nielsen/Jim Carrey/Harrison Ford/Friends DVD marathons with anyone who'll watch with me! How I've earned this break, oh Lordy-Lord...

In the meantime, revision beckons, and it's half past midnight. God bless coffee.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

2007-01-11T18:05:00.000-08:00

IT'S FRIDAY 12TH JANUARY!

EVEN THOUGH THE BLOG DATE SAYS IT'S NOT!

I'M WRITING IN BLOCK CAPITALS!

IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!

IT'S MUMSY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Now, stop drooling over the picture... there you go...

A double-feature posting for you all today, and I decided to keep this special birthday shout-out seperate from my phone-related rantings, so I demand that you all wish my Mum a happy birthday and raise a glass to wish her best wishes for the year ahead!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Hold On, I'm Putting You On Speaker...

2007-01-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

Ever been watching 24, madcap fans, and loved it when Jack's growled "Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker...", along with such famous quotes as "You're on with Bill Buchanan, also present is yada yada, etc. etc." and all the other tech-style talk of CTU Los Angeles?

More to the point, have you ever started reading this blog and thought "I wonder where he's going with this?" Well, this time I'll get straight to it and tell you: I've got a new mobile phone. Normally, technological updates don't bother me. I don't care how much RAM (whatever that is) my laptop has, or if my phone has a 1.2 megapixel camera or an MP3 Player or a washing machine or can tapdance like Bruce Forsythe when I say the word "watermellon"... as with most technology these days, I don't get the point. My dear old phone was the definition of my attitude to modern technology: it made and recieved calls, did texting, had a black-and-white screen and woke me up in the mornings. That's it. Really.

But recently it started to die. Technology, you see, is short-lived. In phone-years, my handset had been collecting what little state pension His Tonyness felt obliged to dole out for several decades. Like many residents of care homes, it forgot numbers, lost messages and switched off without warning. It was a slow, narcoleptic old phone.

It's the January Sales, I'd had enough of missing calls and misplacing directions to parties and low signal in the Bermuda Triangle of phone signal that is my room, and I was in town on the day my loan check arrived. To that end, ladies and mentalmen, I decided it was time to upgrade. But I didn't want anything fancy, oh no. You know what I'm like with new technology. These colour-screen, photo-taking, internet-capable mobile computers confuse me. They switch on and say "Hello Moto!", to which I look confused, thinking it's intelligent enough to speak to me, and answer with a shakey "Hello... how are you?" And then people laugh. So I chat with the nice man in the Orange shop on Northumberland Street. He explains that I am out of touch, that I'm technologically retarded, and that he's been using a 7.8 gig ZX47392 MegaRange GPS Nuclear Satellite Comms Device (from Nokia, no less) since he was three years old. It can make coffee for him in the morning, tie his tie for him (no wonder it looked a mess), shine his shoes for him and order a missile strike on Baghdad in seven different languages.

I tell him, awfully politely, that I don't give a damn. I want a phone that phones people, texts people and (grudgingly) takes pictures, since so many of my hip and with-it friends have camera phones and want to send me pictures all the time. He tells me that I really should sell a kidney and get a brain implant that calls the Moon, but I persist. In true Little Britain style, I pick a cheap(ish), pretty-looking phone and demand that "I want that one."

So I've joined the 21st Century (only took seven years) with a Motorola L6 mobile telecommunications device. It calls people. It sends text messages (even though it tries to type them for me by predicting which word I'll go for... I started typing "Hello..." and it wanted me to put "Help..." which, while summing up my feeling of desperation at the time, was not what I was going for). It takes pictures. It plays games (including 24 and Sonic the Hedgehog). My snazzy new wallpaper background, screensaver and ringtone have all been themed to James Bond. I can say "Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker..." and actually put you on speaker. And above all, I'm not ashamed to get it out in public when asking somebody's number (a feature listed in the catalogue). Overall, I'm quite proud of it.

Astonishingly, I'd recommend that those of you out there who haven't got up-to-date mobile phones should upgrade. I thought I didn't care, but now I'm the owner of a rather pleasing, flashy new gadget (ahem... easy target) I'm loving it, and spending more time with it than on revision, which is a worry. So there we have it, madcap Bonkers fans. Today's message: get with the times! Peace out.

Reloaded

2007-01-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

Guess how much work I've done, madcap Bonkers fans? Considering it's now Sunday and I was supposed to start on Thursday?

That's right: none. Well done, ten points. I actually, really, positively, properly, actually (you've done this one, Ed.), properly must start tomorrow morning at 09:00, however. Which I absolutely will be, no argument or questions or doubts. Imperial China's first up, as it was supposed to be on Thursday... what a nightmare it's gonna be! Sources are about as rare as a socialist making His Tonyness' Christmas card list, and it's longer than a conga at 3,000-3,500 words. All together now: eep.

But never fear, ladies and mentalmen, since I have a plan! And that plan is to be available over the summer break for resits... no, I'm joking! I've got a good feeling that it'll all go okay this time around, and that February will arrive with few incidents, but only if I work at it. I'd like to take this opportunity to send good thoughts and words of encouragement to all those taking exams this January, especially to Indy (you'll do fine, stop panicking), Elspeth (no worries, Cheesecake: you can copy mine if it all goes wrong) and Ollie (biggest genius I know, your pass is secured). When we hit February and get a chance to breath before the marks come in, we're all going to get well and truly smashed and gamble and do all the things that morality deems unacceptable at examination times (oh, okay, unacceptable all the time)! Woohoo!

Simon returns to the House of Death (now with extra death) tomorrow as well, and he's another panicked student... what was that advert? Malibu? "Chill out, mon!" Yeah, what he said...

In the meantime, you may be wondering, how did I manage to waste four days of potential essay-writing? Well, Thursday was my day off, since Tuesday and Wednesday were spent shopping for food, sorting things out, getting back home, etc. Then Friday was at Elspeth's makin' pasta and drinkin' wine, and Saturday was returning from Elspeth's and watching far too much of The Matrix trilogy for my own good. Today was more food shopping. In other words... I've done jack (ahem, easy target)!

Must dash: I've got something not very important to do somewhere equally as dull! Peace out, madcap fans. I shall return...

Tooth and Claw

2007-01-03T04:56:00.000-08:00

2007.

The Year of Bond, as I've been telling anyone who'll listen.

I hope all your Christmas and New Year celebrations went as well as mine did, madcap Bonkers fans, and that the gap in posting wasn't too painful (I know, but I'm back now, there there). And now we face an entire, brand new year, filled with promise and excitement! Well, we know a few things: His Tonyness steps down as Prime Minister this year, and George Dubya is in his final whole year before the 2008 Presidential Elections. The end of an era? One I won't cry over missing.

What I could do with missing, however, is January. With my Imperial China essay due (and no work started on it) and three exams (which I'm dreading) all sitting at the end of the month like big, sinister guardians of February, it's a hurdle I could do with missing. In fact, I wish I had one of these to just jump to February 1st, 2007:

Alas, I don't, and even if I did, it would only serve as a telephone booth... I could try and call February 1st and see how it all went, but otherwise... yes... moving on...

I'm off into town now to meet with the lovely Elspeth and catch up on events, then Thursday morning at 09:00 I'm in the library to get this Imperial China essay started, fighting tooth and claw to meet the deadline. The truckloads of research I need to do should be fun (that's a lie, but it makes me feel better)! Well, have a Happy New Year one and all, and I shall see you or write to you all soon.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

Congratulations!

2006-12-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update, ladies and mentalmen, for the sole purpose of creating a "shout out" (always wanted to say that) to Jill and Adam, who this weekend have been celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary!

I've been online with CTU L.A. via a secure node and decrypted enough chatter to learn that Jack sends his congratulations as well (always wanted to say that, too)! As my present to you guys to say well done, I'm suggesting you go to this link and watch the following trailer, as I understand you have broadband now!

http://www.24trailer.com/

Hope you enjoyed your weekend and that this milestone is the first of many on a long and happy road together. Take care, and see you in the coming holiday weeks!

Normal posting will resume later: in the meantime, peace out!

Dawn

2006-12-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right, madcap Bonkers fans... I've seen dawn this week. Twice. Oh yes, that's hardcore.

It's all thanks to several essays and assignments, all due within the next week. As predicted, the only word I can usually think of at this time of year is "panic", which I try to avoid as often as possible but, at 05:00, sometimes gets the better of me. Today I'm breaking from my US of Americaland essay to complete my Imperial China assignment, due Tuesday. Then tomorrow it's back to the library to continue talking about Yanks and Dubya (I've tried to get a Bushism in somewhere...) and Monday sees the beginning of the panic over the EU Briefing Paper, then more China to finish off the week.

I'm so going to love it when Matt and Queenie get here a week tomorrow: it'll be the first chance I've had to chill and have some holiday and mess around in about, ooh, a month? Okay, fine, so this is what real work is like, etc. etc. but you all know me: I fold like a deck of cards at the first sign of pressure! I feel like I've been doing this for a year, not four weeks! I tell you what is getting me through, though, above anything else...

...oh yes. Above re-watching Star Trek: Enterprise, being sent videos of the latest Have I Got News For You episodes, eating fish, drinking coffee and earning 952,567,328 points in Onslaught Mode in Star Trek: Encounters, the fact that it's December and it's Christmas in two weeks is just so brilliant! Trees are up in town, Fenwick's have a God-awful shop window display, charities are mugging shoppers on Northumberland Street, Starbucks have begun serving coffee in festive-decorated cardboard cups, every shop is playing "I Wish It Could Be Christmas (Every Day)" by Slade or Wizard or whoever, kids are screaming at their parents that they want this one, not that one, the House of Death (now with extra death) got it's first Christmas card (thanks, Mum), builders are wearing Santa hats, there are fifty million people in HMV and WHSmith and the temperature has dropped ten degrees in the past hour... and I love it!

So not as glum as you'd think, eh? I need to find an advent calendar and catch up on all the days of chocolate I've missed... anywho, one person I think who won't be affording presents this year is His Tonyness. You seen how much the Labour Party are in debt by? It's insane. And they've got some bloody cheek trying to encourage people to save more, in order to stop personal loans and massive family debt: talk about being hypocritical! Okay, so the Conservatives owe about the same, but A: they've got it secured against a building (according to Anne "Widdy" Widdecombe on Have I Got News For You... what a great show) and B: they're not in power! Sort it out, Prime Minister: I know you don't exactly get along with the guy who runs your finances, but this is ridiculous.

Freak tornado storms permitting, I'll be dashing about a lot more in coming days, so ladies and mentalmen can expect a further update soon enough. Oh, and before I go, congratulations Mum... you know what I'm talking about, right?

Peace out, madcap fans. I shall return...

These Aren't The Voyages...

2006-12-02T15:35:00.000-08:00

Star Trek: Encounters for PlayStation2 – Reviewed

“Space: the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange, new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilisations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Familiar words, I think you’ll all agree. You probably thought of them when you heard that Bethesda Softworks and 4J Studios were developing a new PlayStation2-exclusive Star Trek game entitled Star Trek: Encounters. As gaming history has shown us, the opening three sentences of the original television series has provided a rich and diverse base from which to launch flight simulators, action adventures and a whole host of other game types. Encounters, being a space simulator planting the player in direct control of multiple starships, hailing from all five incarnations of Star Trek, would be stacked to the rafters with new life, new civilisations and the chance to boldly meet and greet them all. The life of a starship captain on your Sony home console.

Far from it. In fact, if you were to take Encounters at face value and use it to sum up what Star Trek is all about, William Shatner’s famous introduction would have gone a little something like this…

“Space: the final warzone.
These are the battles of the Warship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to locate strange, new worlds; to seek out the life forms and civilisations that live there; to boldly blast them into tiny pieces of debris.”

Because that’s what this game is all about. There is no button marked “hailing frequencies” on the controller, no chance to ask why the Romulans have violated the Neutral Zone and started to spy on Federation Starbases. No, instead you’re sent into the middle of the Romulan base and ordered to lock phasers. It makes no difference that you’re supposedly doing this as Captain Jean-Luc Picard aboard the Enterprise-D, the star of the late-80’s The Next Generation which was all about peaceful negotiation and conflict resolution. You’ve got a very large Galaxy-Class Starship, your photon torpedoes are loaded and the Romulans aren’t happy to see you: go figure.

This is both the curse and genius of Encounters. As a fan of the television show, I can see how this game would annoy people. The spirit of Star Trek, the boldly going where no one has gone before, is replaced with massive space battles and stealth infiltration missions. The missions themselves, introduced by the bass tones of William “The Shat” Shatner himself, are broken down into the five eras (starting with Star Trek: Enterprise and going all the way through past Star Trek: Voyager to the latest films aboard the Enterprise-E) and have basic plots that don’t fit with continuity. The final mission opens a gigantic rift which sees all enemies from the Xindi to the Borg emerge and fight all five generations of Starfleet captain: Archer, Kirk, Picard, Sisko and Janeway all fight alongside one another in their respective ships. How? Don’t ask. There isn’t an answer.

The genius, however, is that this game makes Star Trek simply great fun. The PC-based games in the series are usually long, time-consuming and involving affairs, which is fine in its own right. They ask things like “distribute power to the nearest 0.5% between all two-hundred and eighty different ship systems”. Screw that: the closest Encounters gets to that is a simple system on the D-Pad which offers the chance to make engines or shields stronger at the expense of power to the sensors or weapons. Depending on your mission objective, re-assign power accordingly with one tap of one button. Job done, and you can continue vaporising rubber-faced aliens.

The weapon system of each starship is pretty much uniform across the board, and with over twenty different ships unlockable for the mini-games, this is helpful. Your right Analogue Stick controls a 360-Degree “target slice” which you can sweep around your starship to scan with. This often picks up warp trails during seek-and-destroy missions and, more importantly, allows you to gain a sensor lock on enemy craft. Depending on how long you hold down the sensor lock button (R2), you can target different components of an enemy vessel. You can even use the transporter in combat. For example: you need to capture a renegade Klingon Vor’Cha attack ship, so you target their engines and weapons, disable them, and are free to beam an Away Team over. Some ships logically have blind spots in their “target slice”, such as the NX-Class, which only has forward and rear mounted phase cannons in the television show. In the technical aspect at least, then, Encounters is loyal to the source material.

Some starships handle differently than others. Often it feels like you’re not in space but driving on ice (not a difficult leap to make, since the action plays out on a pretty-much flat surface, with the option to raise or lower your vessel by about one hundred meters in order to avoid asteroids and torpedoes). The change when playing through the Episode missions from Intrepid-Class Voyager to Sovereign-Class Enterprise-E is sharply noticeable: from quick, nippy and skittish to slow, graceful and imposing. Each mission map, however, seems tailored to suit the pre-assigned starship. There are a few features used in several different missions, including “warp gates” to propel your tiny ship past the speed of light (these never happened on telly, either) and towing objectives (which can get very slightly annoying when the antimatter you’re towing blows you up for the fifth time).

The Episode missions are fun, immersive and take between ten and twenty minutes to clear, and provide the main meat of Encounters. The vegetables around the side, far from being tacked-on extras, are where the real drop-in-and-out arcade-style thrills are to be found. Skirmish, Onslaught and Battle-Fest modes can be played alone or with a willing friend (although since I’m the only one who likes Star Trek in my flat, my friend needed to have his arm twisted… literally…) and provide either quick, entertaining blasts or lengthy dogfights. Choose either a standalone starship for a basic deathmatch, a fleet of three specific ships for a “last man standing” bout, or a co-operative effort to last as long as possible against an endless surge of hostiles. Can you beat Wave 99 (I’ve got a theory that if you beat Wave 99 the PlayStation2 de-materialises under the strain)? Oh, and the visuals? Gorgeous.

Unlockable arenas, starships and Character Cards that boost the systems of each generation put the icing on what is a genuinely thrilling cake. Bethesda Softworks are behind the forthcoming Star Trek: Legacy with all it’s depth and micromanagement, so if this sounds all too simple for you, that’s fine: they’ll get you one way or another. Technically, Encounters is a great game. The controls, while challenging at first, are unique and dynamic. The explosions and special effects come thick and fast, and the ships are big, armed to the teeth with various kinds of death.

The only question remains: if you’re a Star Trek fan, can you live with such a blatant piss-into-the-wind take on the franchise? Will Shatner bowl you over with his reading of a nonsensical script? Will you be ready to accept the utterly ludicrous (even by Trek standards) final mission?

“To boldly go where no one has gone before”, or “to boldly blast them into tiny pieces of debris”?

Graphics:
- Ships break apart quite nicely, and the backdrops are breathtaking.
- Shame they can’t paint the names and numbers on the front of the ships, though.
Sound:
- Some brilliant, atmospheric music, and then there’s always the Shat himself.
- Attempts at different phaser sounds for each ship seem to be forgotten at the end.
Gameplay:
- Endless battles, lightly dusted with stealth and a few races, are great fun.
- If you don’t like the controls, all you’ll do is moan.
Value for Money:
- The multiplayer will last forever, and there is a lot to do (and blow up).
- The twenty-one Episode missions can be beaten in twelve hours.

Overall Score
NINE OUT OF TEN

Frame Of Mind

2006-11-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

I should be in bed...

The presentation about possible Turkish accession to the European Union was today, madcap Bonkers fans, and as always we ended up laughing too much and missing beats so that when somebody said "Turkey would benefit from CAP..." the PowerPoint behind them said "The population is mainly Muslim..."

What else could it have been, though: it was one of my presentations! Considering the road to this presentation was much longer (and hence much more rocky) than ever before, however, this time it was slightly disappointing to have it all fall apart again, no matter how last minute the edits were. Thankfully, the group that went before us were absolutely awful, so we looked pretty good and sounded a little better, despite a central argument that boiled down to "let the buggers in". A sneak peak at the scores from Jocelyn at the end (earned because I'm charming, naturally) indicate a good-to-fair percentage for this. The group seemed happy, too, but that might have been relief...

I sacrificed Wednesday with Dad at Saltburn for this. Accordingly, I'm off early in the morning to join him for the day (less work to do on a Friday than midweek, so we'll have some time)! Really looking forward to the day's holiday before I get back and start my United States of Americaland essay on Saturday. Oh, I've chosen my title: it's about how US foreign policy has changed since 9/11... very topical and up-to-date, meaning it's right up my ally (ahem)! Of course, this Jack isn't all work and no play (heavens, no!). Star Trek: Encounters is released tomorrow for PlayStation2, so in between talking about terrorists and Middle East interests I'll be blowing Xindi out of the stars and beaming away from Borg.

My frame of mind has never been more determined to relax and enjoy the weekend! Those of you lucky enough to be near a designated Bonkers agent (ie: Mumsy) will no doubt have already seen the lovely pictures of my new Christmas room here at the Castle that is New! I told you I got excited about this holiday... a 3ft tree, a garland of lights and ribbons across my bed's headboard and some flashing strip lighting sprawled over one wall completes the seasonal feel. I've taken to calling this place "the Grotto", and yes, you're all welcome to sit on my knee if you like...

Like I said, I should be in bed, so here I go. Another short entry... I should keep up with the news more so I can make topical, satirical comments, shouldn't I? Oh well. There's always next week...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen!

All Hands To Pumps (Ahem)...

2006-11-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

So this is it, madcap Bonkers fans. Oh, incidentally, do you like the new profile picture?

Anyway, to refocus back onto my dramatic opening... this is it. From now, 19:55 on Friday 24th November, until the end of term, there's no more PlayStation2, no more cinema (I've seen Casino Royale four times now, which should be enough), no more DVDs or late nights drinking in costume. At least, not until January's exams are over.

With deadlines rapidly approaching, Bonkers headquarters is being turned into a massive powerhouse of University work, starting with this coming Thursday's EU Turkish Membership assignment. Then it's my US Government essay of 2,000 words to finish, then my Imperial China history essay to begin alongside revision for the January exams of US Government and EU Policy. Am I looking forward to it? Hmm... as much as I love work (oh, and I do) and it should be interesting, I'm willing to confess that I'm a little apprehensive: I've got so much ground to cover in such little time. It'll be no problem and it'll all work out in the end (it always does... my life is becoming more and more like a Hollywood film, and since I'm the hero I've got to win), but getting it to work out will be tough.

Should be great fun, though. In the meantime, Christmas is approaching and present ideas are slowly forthcoming (Matt, you're in for a hillarious Christmas). Oh, and I've found a new reason for living (beyond Casino Royale as stated in last week's review): Starbuck's Coffee House White Chocolate Mocca. Heaven in a paper cup, honestly! If God existed and had a special drink, it would be this.

Signing off, ladies and mentalmen. More political chat coming soon (you seen that new Conservative-supported advertisement campaign about student debt? 'Tosser' is one of the words I would have definately used without prompting...)!

Peace out, chin up.

You Know His Name

2006-11-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

CASINO ROYALE Film Review
Friday 17th November, 00:34 hours
Originally entered onto www.mi6forums.co.uk

Literally been home ten minutes, enough to shout at my flatmates in high-pitched, rapid tones and turn the computer on! The large group of friends who went with me to Newcastle's Gate to see CASINO ROYALE this evening (in suits and tuxedos) has dispersed to their respective homes with massive smiles on their faces... I have to say, however, that mine is probably the biggest smile of all.

This film, and I cannot stress how much I sincerly mean this, is perfect. Every minor detail is right on the money. The reason I'm blabbing on about nonsensical details is that I'm at a loss where to start: to pick a single point about this film to discuss first seems to be an injustice to all the other points.

No, that's not true. There is one outstanding point. One aspect that makes CASINO ROYALE a cut above all the other James Bond films. He was doubted, he was belittled, he was verbally attacked, but my goodness, does Daniel Craig show his critics how wrong they were? You bet. This man can act, and I mean really act. The sarcasm usually associated with the character of 007 is present, but this time it's not cringeworthy and throwaway one-liners, and they're delivered with sheer brilliance. Some of the most enjoyable dialogue in the film is in several scenes between Bond and Vesper Lynd (Eva Green): this stuff is sharp, witty, cutting and oh-so-dry. When compared to the fun but dispensable Bond/Jinx dialogue from Die Another Day... well, you really can't compare!

And when it comes to emotion, Craig shows us another side to the character of Bond that we've never seen before. Tears came to my eyes in several scenes, including the predictably emotional conclusion when Bond is torn away from the woman he loves. Surprisingly, I found some of the most emotional scenes in the film, however, to be just Bond, looking at himself in the mirror with a heavy expression after just having killed. This man hurts, this man bleeds, this man is a man. No more unrealistic action: the freerunning we know to be possible, after all. In scenes after big action pieces, Bond has scars all over his face. We, the audience, are presented with Bond as a real man with real emotion. Rather than ruining the franchise, it is perhaps one of the best decisions the producers took (alongside casting Craig, who needs to stay on for a good many more features, as he is simply so believable).

The supporting cast is fantastic. Eva Green is totally believable, incredibly sexy and very appealing: you fall in love with her character just as Bond does. Equally distasteful is the villain, a desperate Le Chiffre, who needs to win back money belonging to terrorists before he is killed. His battle with Bond isn't all kung-fu like it would have been in previous films (GoldenEye comes to mind, but that was another decade, with the same director, so...), rather a tense, edge-of-your-seat poker game at Casino Royale in Montenegro. The truly disturbing torture scene is here too, in all it's quite graphic and horrific glory (more fantastic acting from Craig as well as Mads Mikkelsen, who plays Le Chiffre). Mathis, Felix Lieter, Solange, Dimitrios... the character list is long and each role is cast with impeccable taste. M is awesome: so glad they kept Judi Dench, and so glad her character was given much more life in this incarnation.

The technical side of CASINO ROYALE is bang on. Martin Campbell is a wonderful director I think we'll all agree, and he's got another winner with this film: the opening pre-title is suitably dark, black-and-white, filmed with a great edgy, claustrophobic feeling. Scenes in which Bond is drugged are blurred and distorted, with odd camera angles making you feel drugged too. The action is breathtaking, with the aforementioned freerunning sequence kicking things off to a flying start. There's a chase at Miami Airport that had me leaning towards the screen with a twisted shocked expression on my face. A brutal stairway fight with some Africans and a cat-and-mouse chase through Venice culminating in a sinking building sequence are also just amazingly tuned to reflect the new direction of the Bond character: quick, lethal, decisive and shocking.

The score, composed by David Arnold, is used really, really well. We are treated to hints of the Bond Theme we all know and love at moments when Bond does something... well, Bond-ish, whether it's surviving a near-death experience or winning a hand of poker (and the keys to an Aston Martin DB5). After all, this is the introduction to the Bond Universe: we see his first martini (a great running joke), his first tuxedo, his first Aston Martin, his first love, his first gunbarrel shot.

CASINO ROYALE is a welcoming, glorious invitation to the new James Bond. We have a perfect new 007 in Daniel Craig, a brilliant new tone for the series, and most of all, a kicker of a cliffhanger to lead into the next Bond film, scheduled for November 2008. This is Bond in the 21st Century. And this is what I see as my reason for living in it.

Score: TEN OUT OF TEN.

No Armour Left

2006-11-14T05:05:00.000-08:00

So, madcap Bonkers fans, I've got no job, no money, no work done... am I really depressed?

Nope, for one simple reason: this week is the week that Daniel Craig comes to cinemas as James Bond in Casino Royale, the 21st official 007 film from EON Productions! And I already know one key fact about the new film, and that is that the music is awesome! The soundtrack, by David Arnold, was released yesterday and is already my favourite CD in my collection! Loud and brash during the action, calm and emotional during the important scenes... it's perfect (and that's without having seen the film it goes with)! The longest track is 12 minutes - the shortest is 27 seconds!

Equally exciting is the new Aston Martin DBS which features in the film and broke the Guiness World Record of "Most Sideways Rolls" unintentionally during one of the key action scenes! If you think being in love with a car is stupid, take a look at the picture below before you judge, damn you!

Yep, isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Shame it gets trashed in Casino Royale, although I'll forgive Daniel Craig anything these days: he's the man who is reinventing James Bond for the 21st Century. Sure, Die Another Day was in 2002 and was great, but with things like 24 on television, and 9/11 becoming a cinematic issue, the cartoonish-Bond we're used to seeing in Moonraker etc. seems outdated and out of place.

So Thursday is Bond and drinks with me wearing a suit... much excitement! In fact, I'm so excited, I'm going to run off and watch clips online (or the fabulous trailer over and over and over and over and...)!

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen!

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

2006-11-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

Just when things are looking up for Bonkers headquarters, with 24: Season Five on DVD to enjoy, Mission: Impossible III kicking all kinds of rear ends, Casino Royale on the horizon and the mounting excitement of Star Trek: Encounters doing just that... University work comes along and ruins it all!

Indeed! In two weeks I have a European briefing paper to present dealing with the issue of Turkish membership, with sub-deadlines this coming week! Not only that, but my sleep patterns have been all messed up thanks to last weekend, when the newly-installed internet ensured I was kept up long past my bedtime watching spoof videos on YouTube and browsing YTMND (a hillarious animation site)! So it's no surprise that I didn't feel too well yesterday, and despite the much-appreciated noble efforts of Indy to cure me with double Belgian chocolate-flavourited ice cream, I'm not feeling that great today either!

Oh well... everything'll work out fine, it always does, but why does everything good media-wise have to be happening now, in the run-up to Christmas, when I've got little money and lots of work to be doing? It's a struggle to fit it all in... now I know how Jack Bauer feels, I really do (okay, fine, he has it much tougher than me and I haven't had to shoot anybody... yet)!

At least there's good news from the US of A, where the House of Representatives now belongs to the Democrats and Donald Rumsfeld now belongs in a retirement home. It's become a safer world now: before, Dubya could do whatever he wanted, especially with His Tonyness lodged firmly up his backside. Now, with only half of Congress at his beck and call (and even they're moving away from him), we've got two years of laughable comedy President left before it's all change and (hopefully) the Democrats put someone up there worth voting for. Not that, as a British citizen, I have any bearing on the process... but it makes for good television, seeing Republicans and far-right Christians getting roundly kicked to the ground. Don't you all agree?

This is Bonkers headquarters signing off for another few days. Ironic that I've got the internet almost 24/7 now, and yet it's been a week since my last update here, isn't it? Damned YouTube... peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return.

Resistence is Futile

2006-11-04T04:59:00.000-08:00

You will be assimilated by technology.

I'm sitting in my bed, drinking tea, listening to music streaming from a website... and typing this entry! That's right, madcap Bonkers fans: the House of Death's very own stoneage resident has entered the 21st Century and has wireless broadband on his laptop!

And not a moment too soon, either, because there's lots of news for you ladies and mentalmen to catch up on! First things first, Hallowe'en: what a night! Everyone dressed up fabulously (except one or two who just dressed up, but the less said about their 'costumes' the better) and had an amazing time. Zorro was on hand to rescue those in need of rescuing, which turned out to be (almost) everyone at some stage, although Zorro himself could have done with assistance at several times, too! Now, I would post photographs, but that would ruin the entire point of me avoiding putting any identitifcationable (new word for today, just made it up) information on this website. Instead, I'm sending said photographs to key members of the madcap fanbase. Find your nearest Bonkers contact to see them!

Work is going well, although I felt sorry for one of my group members whose excellent approach to our project was torn apart by our tutor, to be replaced by a very basic plan that we thought of first and rejected as "too silly"... but needs must: after all, the tutor's doing the marking so we'll do what she said! Apart from that minor incident (and me missing Wednesday morning's lecture, for obvious reasons), I'm still enjoying my course!

Big excitement on the media front, too, as several franchises are making their presence known in the House of Death (or about to, at least)! Firstly, I've booked, purchased and have sitting on my desk five tickets to see Casino Royale on Thursday November 16th... oh yes! 24: Season 5 and Mission: Impossible III are out on DVD on Monday, too, and the following day a large art book called Star Trek: Ships of the Line is released: basically, gigantic CGI images of the highest quality showing some of the galaxy's best starships. The most extravagent and expensive picture book ever, and I can't wait! Put that alongside the novel I'm reading at the moment, Last Full Measure, dealing with the Xindi threat to Earth, and I'm surprised I've got time for my university work!

I don't have time for political comment this week, though (something had to go), but I'll return with an update on how I think His Tonyness is ruining... sorry, running... no, right the first time... the country and how we should all vote Conservative soon (some things never change)!

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen!

Jingle Bells

2006-11-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

If all goes according to plan, madcap Bonkers fans, I shall be sending the next installment from the House of Death (now with extra death) on my wireless broadband-enabled laptop. Watch this space...

The Legend Has Returned

2006-10-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

We're in full Hallowe'en overdrive here at Bonkers headquarters, ladies and mentalmen!

This coming Tuesday, everybody who is everybody (so Elspeth and me, then) is dressing up and hitting the Castle that is New to celebrate the spooky season! Need to make the most of it, too, as when Tuesday is over Christmas begins on Wednesday (there's nothing to stop it now) and I'll have to get decorations for the House of Death... 'tis the season to be bankrupt. Anywho, guess who I'm going as?

Two previous options were Dracula (the classic, but too easy and every other guy will be him) or a Starship captain, probably Kirk (but that's quite frankly the scariest thing in the entire known universe, even more so than the fact that Gordon Brown could be Prime Minister this time next year). But they've been rejected for...

All I need is the whip and I'm done! I'm obviously going hatless, too, because the Castle that is New is fresh out of Zorro hats (what an essential item to be missing). But I have a bandanna (soon to have eyeholes), a cape (under construction), some great boots and black leather gloves! Score!

Elspeth is going as a killer bee, with a tu-tu skirt that, if it were any shorter, would be a belt. Lucy is Pebbles from The Flintstones. Both the ladies' costumes were constructed yesterday with fabric paint, which was much hillarity! Oh, and the cat sat in my bag and fell asleep... yes... anywho, that's Hallowe'en, folks! Enjoy it, too, because like I said, Christmas is coming and every post from Wednesday onwards will involve Christmas in some way!

You can't fight it... peace out, madcap fans!

Very Short Life Expectancy

2006-10-19T03:46:00.000-07:00

Just flaunting my new Profile image, madcap Bonkers fans...

I should take this chance to tell you that I'm really getting into my Imperial China course! We did an assignment today about, among others, General Li Kuang. He's a tragic figure and I'm fascinated my his story. I'm going to do some more research on him (which is something I never, ever do about anything... except Casino Royale, of course...)!

Hence the new picture: I've found a ton of new Daniel Craig publicity images. I'm so excited about this film, more than any other film I've ever been excited about!

Anywho, I'm just piddling about here, so I'm going to wrap things up. Peace out!

The Con Of Man

2006-10-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

Good evening, madcap fans!

Coming to you live from Bonkers unofficial headquarters (ie, the library) is this latest edition, in association with Nescafe Gold Blend: the only thing keeping me awake long enough to stumble to university and gain access to the internet long enough to string together a sentence or two.

As many of you will know, recent events here in the Castle that is New have prevented a more regular update. Without going into details, I'm happy to report things are looking up and getting back on track: the guys are back from Paris tonight, I've got The Da Vinci Code on DVD, and my work is going as well as can be expected (although I may have to write my assignment, due in tomorrow at 10:00, at 09:00 in the morning, an hour before. At only 250 words, though, this takes all of fifteen minutes, so panic over)!

In response to my official request to Bethesda Softworks (okay, not my request, but I like to think it helped matters), there is a tentative release date of 8th December for Star Trek: Encounters, and Casino Royale's UK release date has been moved forward one day, to Thursday 16th November. The soundtrack is due on 13th November and boasts 25 tracks, and apparently is amazing!

Due to limited contact with the outside world the past few days, news and politics are hardly my strong suits at the moment, but give me time to peruse the BBC News homepage and I'll be back with witty political commentary in no time!

All in all, the future's looking rather stocked...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return!

Ha! In Your Faces, Fellow Students!

2006-10-11T01:12:00.000-07:00

What a lovely way to start the day...

I don't, of course, mean the title literally: I love my fellow students (some as friends, some as colleagues, some in a way that will make readers snigger and say "easy target"... okay, maybe the last one's a joke). However, at 09:00 on a Wednesday, it's a great feeling to get one-up and be ahead of the game. Allow me to explain...

I'm working on a HIS2033: Imperial China assignment, which requires two chunks of text to be analysed. Due to roughly one hundred people taking the course and only one copy of one of the books available, you can imagine how challenging getting the book is. With only 24 hours on the clock and the situation becoming more desperate by the second, with lives at stake, I now know how Jack Bauer feels! So, despite my body saying "Go on, stay in bed, you've only had five hours sleep... go on, sleep some more... stay in bed... eat chocolate... play PlayStation, do nothing today..." I was up at 07:00 and at the library for when the doors opened at 08:55. Early bird really does catch the worm: I have the book for the next four hours, plenty of time to make a photocopy and escape into the distance, laughing like a madman!

Downside? Well, there always is with me, and this time it's a biggie: I'm supposed to be in a European Politics lecture right now. However, a lot of the first few lectures are going over old ground, and I have friends there who promise copies of their notes. I know these aren't excuses, but with a deadline and the clock ticking, I had no choice. At least I didn't pull a gun on the library receptionist and scream "CTU! Tell me where the bomb... uh, I mean, book! Tell me where the book is!"

One assignment down, four to go... and that's just Imperial China...

In other news, madcap Bonkers fans, the 92 Bayswater Road 'House of Death' (now with extra death) has finally been visited by the nice people at RM Accomodation! Actually, the guy they sent round was really kind and covered pretty much everything on the list... he even returned after-hours with a drawer he had fixed earlier on, but that wasn't dry in time to install it. We now have lights in the bathroom, lights in the kitchen, lights in my room, a kitchen bin, a clean front door, a clean dishwasher, a fixed shelf in the bathroom, a fixed toilet seat and a clean back yard. The damp in my bedroom is "a big job and an ongoing project", but it's hardly serious: I've been living there for a month or so now and I haven't grown a second head or webbed toes or anything. Besides, it really is a big job!

In fact, aside from a quick food shop later today, a three-hour chunk of non-stop lectures and seminars tomorrow and a spot of tidying my room, I've got a clear horizon. Which bodes well for poker night! I'm going to win so much... not money, mind, plastic chips... but they're all mine!

In the political spectrum, there's exciting news as regards the Conservative Party Conference and weblogs like mine: David Cameron has launched the excellently-named "Webcameron", a personal weekly weblog where other party members can post their thoughts, chat with David and generally talk future policy, current politics and anything else in between. I love the idea: Cameron is keeping up the image of being in-touch with the voters, modern, sophisticated and willing to listen and show himself as an accountable politician, with his ideas open to public access and scrutiny. One thing I've learned from studying politics is that all politicians are supposed to be open to public access and scrutiny, but can you imagine His Tonyness doing something like this? Closest we ever got was the piece of New Labour puffery a couple of years back, the 'Big Conversation', which basically boiled down to, "Tony talks, you listen". Nice...

I know I seem to always go on about the Conservatives and ignore the other parties (except to attack them), and that this is rather biased. I apologise, but to be completely honest, the government of Labour is getting away with absolute murder and mayhem: whatever good they do (and admittedly often do) is overshadowed by the negative aspects. The Liberal Democrats, the "third party" of a two-party system, have nice ideas some of the time but lack the weight and power to make a difference. In my view, the Conservative Party have the heritage and experience to be successful leaders, and despite a few splutters in the past (which I gladly recognise: Iain Duncan Smith, for example. While Dave Davis is the Tory politician who used to be in the SAS, good old Duncan Smith was the only one who managed to get in and out without anybody noticing) I believe they have the ideas, the future and the get-up-and-go to make a decent country out of modern Britain. Because, let's face it, anything's better than the state of the nation at the moment...

Wow, I've banged on a lot today! I'm wrapping this up sharpish, then: I do, after all, have an assignment to write! Greetings to Mum, Kate, Sandra and all the other hard workers at UniS, heads-up to Matt (hope you feel better soon) and a shout out to Dad, who really needs to start leaving work before 18:00 (go for a beer around five, you'll love it)!

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen... it's great to be back!

Official Request to Bethesda Softworks

2006-10-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

This is an official request to Bethesda Softworks, a video game publishing comapany currently holding the licence to create video games based on the Star Trek franchise.

Due to Star Trek celebrating it's 40th Anniversary, you've graced multiple gaming platforms with brand new space combat games based around the starships and space battles of the famous science fiction show. One of these titles, Star Trek: Encounters for the PlayStation2, has already been released in the United States. Two more titles are planned for release in the next few months, including Star Trek: Tactical Assault for PSP and Star Trek: Legacy for Xbox360.

There has been no mention whatsoever of a UK release date or PAL territory conversion for these products. While mentioned fleetingly in the UK games media and websites, no official details have been released. Some rumours even indicate that there will be no release in the UK or Europe.

UK-based Star Trek fans have made a huge contribution to the franchise over the years, and it is safe to say that it wouldn't be as successful as it has been without the input, loyalty and support of the hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of British 'Trekkies'.

Therefore, could we UK-based Star Trek fans at least have a confirmed release date of these games? A poor advertising campaign and little-to-no media coverage will simply ensure the product does badly in the charts and make Star Trek look like a total washout when it comes to gaming. You will do badly, we will do badly, and the games will become difficult to obtain from retailers who depend on product popularity when taking stock. So please, Bethesda Softworks, don't forget the PAL territories and give us your excellent Star Trek 40th Anniversary games!

Many thanks, from a concerned fan and (rather obsessed) gamer.

Finally...

2006-09-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hey there, Bonkers fans!

The reports of my death are greatly exagerrated: the reports of the death of the NTL connection at home, however, are all completely true. This explains the last weeks of silence... it also doesn't help internet matters that I'm now in Newcastle, having been here two weeks already, and the library and services here are on one hell of a rubbish timetable!

But never fear: soon, I'll have internet in my own room, meaning regular updates and chatty news from the House of Death (now with extra death)! Which I think is a bonus, really, because for free you're getting in-depth political analysis (how much of a plonker is Blair), hillarious jokes (I can't think of any now, though) and detailled news of my life here in the Castle that is New (been here two weeks, house taking time to sort out, lots of stuff happened, you know...)!

However, today I'm on a tight schedule, so this'll be brief: just to let you all know that Bonkers is far from over!

Peace out, madcap ladies and mentalmen!

Show-Off

2006-08-24T04:32:00.000-07:00

So, just a quick post, as promised, to show you guys (like you care) the images I've created for both 24 007 (above) and Star Trek: Voyager - Tempus Futile (below). Both are going rather well: just about to start Chapter Three of the latter project, while I've planned ahead to the sixth hour of the former. Peace out...

Creative Misadventure

2006-08-22T03:58:00.000-07:00

I'm glad I updated Bonkers when I did, madcap fans, otherwise you may have been kept in the dark just like I was.

A massive twenty-one hour loss of power struck Bonkers Headquarters and the surrounding streets on Sunday! Shutting down at 01:00 and not returning until 22:00, all power was completely cut. Of course, this meant I nearly died: no computer, no music, no PlayStation2, no television... thank goodness I've been cutting back, otherwise it would have been unbearable cold turkey. I did learn one rather nice piece of trivia, though: did you know it's almost impossible to have a decent game of I-Spy in the dark, after the first person says "S" and you say "shadow"?

What a summer this has turned out to be! On the plus side, my cooking skills are about to improve (Simon'll be pleased for next year... less ready meals and fried eggs in the new kitchen). Thanks to Mum, who found a great bunch of twenty-minute recipies in one of those yay-for-women-boo-all-men magazines (okay, so the source material is flawed, but I can make the cooking manly... where's my apron? You know, the one with all the flowers...), I shall be competing on Ready Steady Cook in no time! I'll take ten pounds from anyone willing to dare me to polish Ainsley Harriot's head...

So the Middle East is destroying itself again, ignoring the UN Resolution and all. I don't know which side I should be on in this conflict. On the one hand, Hezbollah are being kicked around, which is good: religious extremism of that kind should be seriously discouraged, especially when it results in violence, which Hezbollah can't claim to never have done. On the other hand, however, Israel have been complete fools in the whole thing. Invading Lebanon and blasting civilians is no way to react when you lose one soldier (who wasn't supposed to be behind the lines anyway) and want him back. Any excuse out there, though, will do. I think us Western powers should back off, let the Middle East fight until they've got no fight left and then hopefully they'll realise how stupid it is to battle each other based on something as outdated as religion.

Having just offended millions in that last paragraph, on to my latest projects. Two fan fiction novels I'm working on at the moment for various websites are very exciting (my own original novel series is still ongoing, but has taken a temporary back seat). The first is simply entitled 24 007 and does exactly that: James Bond and the 00 Section travel to Los Angeles and team up with Jack Bauer and CTU to bring down an international company with terrorist connections. The second, called Star Trek: Voyager - Tempus Futile (see what I did there? Clever, eh?), has the crew of the Starship Voyager racing against time to restore crippled systems while trapped in a gigantic net, which just so happens to contain ships from the future, ships from the past and a Borg Cube.

Bonkers isn't letting me upload images, which is a shame, because I've created logos and cover images for both projects. Oh well... you'll have to take my word that they're excellent, then... what do you mean, "yeah right"?

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

To Boldly Go...

2006-08-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

Greetings one and all (and you at the back there)!

Two apologies required: one, for the long gap in posting here in Bonkers. Normal service will resume from this date. Two, for the continuation of the Star Trek theme. Never fear, it won't last long. Just until the end of this entry.

Unfortunately, I've experienced the best of both worlds this summer. On the one hand, I've had some great fun! My birthday kicked things off nicely after the major wedding in June, and then a successful job opportunity lined my pockets with some spare cash (and made me some new friends). More recently, Dad's birthday surprises went off without a hitch: who said a fifty-year-old was incapable of lighting up and getting all excited, eh? I completed The Da Vinci Code with a little help from puzzle-brain Mum and am now looking forward to a triumphant return to Newcastle on the weekend of September 9th.

On the other hand, however... well, let's just say that the next picture sums things up nicely...

...a complete and utter nosedive into disaster, pain and injury for myself and others. First, I attempted to complete some heavy lifting at work on my own. The industrial sacks I was using, capable of carrying tons, ripped under the weight I shifted. My back was in agony, I could barely move. With Mum off work feeling rather unwell, we tried to cheer ourselves up by testing a new garden shredder. When it didn't work, Mum started to investigate with, unwisely, the power still on, and I promptly cut the end off Mum's left index finger (in short order: excuse the pun). Hospital folk are so nice... to attempt to feel better, I decided to take in some sea air, and so sat in a comfortable two-man canoe in Devon with Dad, Matt and the ever-hillarious Uncle Tony. Refusing Dad's so-weak-a-light-breeze-would-wash-it-off Factor 4 sunscreen, I recieved serious burns to my legs which, added to my back injury (which the sea air did sod all for), made sure I missed the end of my temporary work placement. Ankles swollen with fluid, skin still peeling away to expose red raw flesh and back still painful, I sit here, typing to you folks.

What a summer it's been. But now I'm feeling better, and Mum's got a week of holiday starting today! So perhaps there's some more stuff to add to the Good Stuff list before I leave. Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest is on the cards, as is tea and cakes with Jill, Adam and the girls tomorrow.

And on the electronic entertainment front, I'm very excited by the prospect of a new, previously hidden, Star Trek game for the PlayStation2, due out by Christmas! Called Star Trek: Encounters, it will feature all five eras of the television series' and allow players to take control of famous starships such as the Enterprise NX-01, Voyager and Kirk's classic original Enterprise and generally kill dead hoards of alien species that now occupy endangered lists. Oh, happy days!

Look at that... August 19th and I'm already excited about Christmas... anywho, I've got some PlayStation2 time to myself now, so I'm off the claim the tellybox! Live long and prosper, madcap Bonkers fans, and I shall endeavour to return very, very soon (for some political chat)!

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen!

2008... The Final Frontier...

2006-07-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

That's right, ladies and mentalmen. Just when you thought it was safe to switch over to another science fiction franchise...

From the director of Mission: Impossible III comes the film that explains how Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock first met, before their legendary voyages aboard the Starship Enterprise began.

STAR TREK XI. 2008.

Live long and prosper, madcap fans.

I Would Like To Buy A Hamburger

2006-07-22T05:40:00.000-07:00

Mmm... hamburger...

No, I haven't turned into Homer Simpson (what do you mean, I already did years ago?), I'm just excited about watching my new DVD of The Pink Panther tomorrow! That's one more off the list then... I've got to be careful, otherwise they'll all be crossed off by Christmas and it'll be one boring start to 2007... anywho, you're probably wondering why I haven't watched it already (what do you mean, you're not?). Read on, dear friends, and I shall reveal all...

This week at work has been tough. The temperature here in (literally, not sarcastically) Sunny England reached an annoying 36 Degrees C around midweek. Now, as you all know, I don't fare well in the heat. In fact, I melt. Seriously, like a big Mr. Whippy (easy target) I just fold like a deck of cards and collapse muttering "Water... water..." This happened on Tuesday, and resulting heat stroke symptoms lead to Wednesday at home, playing PlayStation and recovering by not moving very much (I know, poor me... what do you mean, it's all I'm good at?). Back on Thursday, though, and Friday was a tiring end to the week, with added Tesco run at the end of the day. But I did get my new DVD, so I'm not moaning (much)!

And now, refreshed and dressed in semi-smart clothing (thanks to Matt, my new Gotham City Police Department S.W.A.T. shirt is getting lots of use), it's the weekend and I'm so thankful! The fantasticly fantastic Kate and Sandra are due in a few hours for some jolly nice tea and cake in the now-back-to-normal jolly nice English weather (thunder storm, heavy rain, dark skies), and Kate requires enlightening in the ways of 24: Season Three, so I wave goodbye to my DVD boxset... it's like a scene from an old black and white film: I'm on the platform, the train pulls away, the picture of Jack on the box is leaning out the window... what do you mean, I'm incredibly sad and pathetic? And then Mum and I are saving The Pink Panther for tomorrow, in case of further rain or heat causing incapacity. It all works out in the end...

Oh, I almost forgot a caption for the picture up there. Something along the lines of "New Yoga Method A Step Too Far?", perhaps? Or maybe Spiderman just isn't putting the effort into his costumes as he used to...

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall endeavour to return soon, hamburger or no hamburger.

Lists Of Lists Cause Listing

2006-07-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

As promised, madcap Bonkers fans, here's the list of things I'm allowed to buy until this time next year. This is a self-imposed order. To give it some weight, however (to prevent me breaking it and saying "Oh well, who cares?", which I frequently do with such orders), I've signed a hard copy of the list so proof of my naughty spending habits will be on record.

I've already puchased one of the items on the list: the PlayStation2 edition of The Da Vinci Code game from the Collective and Take2, those behind such legendary games as Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The interesting bit is that the game isn't based on the film, rather the book, and therefore it's not all Tom Hanks in virtual reality sticking to a script. There's a fresh approach with new puzzles and expanded locations. First impressions are strong. A (short) review will come later, but until then, here's a screenshot of Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu.

While I wish I could come up with an excellent caption, the only things which come to mind at the moment are jokes about Langdon's armpit smelling and comments like "We'll never find your lost contact lense like this down here, darling..." so sorry for that.

Anyway, the list is as follows:

- Mission: Impossible III on special edition DVD

- The Da Vinci Code on special edition DVD

- The Pink Panther on special edition DVD

- LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy for PlayStation2

- X-Men III on special edition DVD

- Casino Royale 007 CD soundtrack

- Casino Royale 007 on special edition DVD

- Doctor Who: The Complete Second Season on special edition DVD

- 24: Season Five on special edition DVD

- The Complete Star Trek: The Next Generation Collection on DVD

Yeah, okay, fine... so you were expecting a shorter list. If I'm honest, I was expecting a longer one, and you all know what I'm like with money in my hands and the main entrance to a brance of HMV looming before me. This is lasting me until July 2007, people... an entire year with less than £500 blown on electrical entertainment products! Wow! You think I've gone insane, don't you? To be honest, so do I. But hey, I faced up to that years ago.

It's a joke. Laugh, damn you. Laugh!

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen.

Work? That Wasn't Part Of The Deal!

2006-07-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right... I've been literally inundated with a text message asking if it's really true... I'm afraid it is... I've got a job.

It's only for the summer, though, and therefore I only have ninteen days of physical labour left. Indeed, physical labour is involved almost the entire time I'm there, too. I'm a porter. I carry things. Heavy things. Like bricks. And towels. And mopheads. But before I start another incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no-one has a chance to interrupt me (it can be really quite hypnotic), I should address the finer points of my past two weeks.

I apologise for the break in posting, madcap Bonkers fans. I can only hope that my review of The Da Vinci Code kept you going through the silence... well, it was certainly long enough, eh? I can't make any promises, but I'm aiming for posts to now be more regular and shorter: bitesize chunks of me, easy to digest with no possible double-meaning to any of this sentence... ahem...

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, my job...

...no, it doesn't involve silly costumes, ridiculous poses and shaving my head as the above picture would suggest. I just found this on the interweb and really wanted to post it with the caption "Bless you, Captain", but now having typed that it doesn't look/sound/appear as funny as it was in my head. Do you really want to know about my job?

Anyway, I'm a porter. I start at 08:30 and finish at 15:30, with a twenty minute payed break at 11:00 for a sandwich and several sugar-based, high fat content products. I don't think I even need to induce said food-based heart attacks, but it's regulated by the European Union nonsense that determines that every single human on the planet cannot possibly do work without a health and safety force-feeding every five minutes... see, I'm adding politics into my other topics to make the website entries more concise! Cunning, very cunning...

So I should be over £1,500 better off in September. Not to mention the physical side effects of outdoors physical labour: my arms are bigger, my stomach reducing and my tan actually marginally exisiting rather than being a distant wish or an unfulfilled can of self-tanning liquid on some shop shelf somewhere in my future.

Does that make any sense to you? Nope, me neither.

Oh, and the finales of both 24: Season Five and Doctor Who were shocking, stunning and powerfully emotional experiences. They're on the list of things to purchase... more on that list later, I've signed my spending habits away!

Quite. I'm changing beyond all recognition. Scary, eh? Now, engage!

Hmm... maybe I'm not changing that much...

Peace out, madcap Bonkers fans. I shall endeavour to check back soon.

Can You Hear That...?

2006-07-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

...the ticking clock from the dark recesses of 24...

...dutifully counting the seconds while I waste time messing around with my website profile picture and subtitle...

...ho-hum... yes...

...well, proper posting will resume at some stage soon. Peace out, madcap fans.

"I Need To Get To A Library...!"

2006-06-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so in no other action/thriller film in history has the main hero character uttered the immortal phrase “I need to get to a library…!” after just outrunning a mad gunman. No man in history would ever dream of saying it while standing next to the gorgeous Audrey Tautou, either. And yet, during the climactic moments of The Da Vinci Code, a major blockbusting action/thriller, leading superstar Tom Hanks does just that. While some people may find the line funny, it tells you more about the film than any synopsis ever can.

But I’ll try and write a good synopsis anyway. Based on the mega-phenomenon that is Dan Brown’s second novel in the Robert Langdon trilogy, the plot revolves around historical intrigue, gruesome murder and an ancient war between the Catholic Church and the Priory of Sion. This secret society knows the truth about the history of the Bible: that Jesus Christ was just a regular guy who married Mary Magdalene and impregnated her before his death. According to the Priory, the child survived the growth of modern Christianity, which is bloody and dark in its formation. Now, in 2006, they are tasked with keeping the bloodline of Jesus alive… until, of course, it all goes terribly wrong, and the Grand Master of the Priory of Sion, Jacques Sauniere (Jean-Pierre Marielle), is murdered along with his three underlings by a crazed albino monk, Silas (Paul Bettany). As he dies, Sauniere leaves a trail of clues around the Louvre Museum in Paris, the place of his murder. These clues help draw visiting American symbologist Professor Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) and Sauniere’s estranged granddaughter, French agent Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou), into a code-breaking web of intrigue, historical scepticism and ruthless danger. Enlisting the help of eccentric English historian Sir Leigh Teabing (Sir Ian McKellen), they travel across Europe on a Grail Quest, understanding that the Holy Grail is not a cup but the knowledge of Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s union and subsequent bloodline. Plot twists, sinister French detective Bezu Fache (Jean Reno) hot on the trail of our heroes and epic flashbacks into the past follow for the next two and a half hours, all beautifully crafted for the big screen.

However, you already knew all that, because Dan Brown’s book has become one of the biggest-selling books of all time, so the chances are you’ve read it, or at least heard about it in one of the many television documentaries or spinoff textbooks that have filled the media in the last year. So going to see the film version of The Da Vinci Code means one of two things: either you’ve read the book, watched the documentaries and have high hopes for the film, or you missed out on the book and are going along because you want to see what all the fuss is about, and you don’t have enough time to read a novel.

In both cases, you will definitely enjoy The Da Vinci Code. Directed by the mega-acclaimed Ron Howard, man behind the camera on such epics as Apollo 13, boasting a screenplay by the talented Akiva Goldsmith and a sweeping, emotive and ultimately powerful score by Hans Zimmer, this film is the very definition of the word “blockbuster”. The cast alone are enough to warrant seeing it. In the lead role, on top form, Tom Hanks plays Langdon like a confused puppy, swept along by the tidal wave of events and piecing together the codes and riddles as and when he can. Whenever Langdon makes a mistake or breaks a code, Hanks makes it totally believable and you feel engaged with his character. Equally engaging is Audrey Tautou, who plays Sophie Neveu with a touch of tragic melancholy. The only time this drops is when Langdon and Teabing relay to her the secret true meaning of the Holy Grail, and she effortlessly switches to horrified, intrigued “Grail virgin” mode while still retaining the main focus of her character. The conclusion of the film centring on her character is made even more powerful and deep due to her superb portrayal of Neveu. Stealing the show somewhat, though, is Sir Ian McKellen, as he always does. Sir Leigh Teabing makes a grand entrance and a grand exit, and between those two points, McKellen provides some quirky British humour while still being totally serious and integral to the historical explanations. Perhaps McKellen’s opposite, Jean Reno is incredibly sinister and frightening as Bezu Fache, as is the demonic yet tragic and strangely sympathetic character of Silas, played with great skill by Paul Bettany. Rounding off the A-list headliners is Alfred Molina, who portrays secretive Opus Dei Bishop Aringarosa. It is a shame that his character isn’t given more screen-time, but nonetheless his moments are a joy to watch, especially his angry confrontation with a room full of Vatican priests.

So what of the message hidden within the line “I need to get to a library…!” then, the message that relays the meaning of The Da Vinci Code? Well, it sends a clear message to films such as xXx, The Fast and the Furious and Ultraviolet. Action/thrillers don’t need massive stunts, don’t need hip-hop soundtracks, don’t need mindless fist-fights and endless chases. The Da Vinci Code succeeds through smart historical presentation, intelligent puzzles and very little action. There is only one minor car chase, a few shots of people running away from other people with guns, and a few exchanged gunshots towards the end. With the clock ticking and a friend in mortal danger, Langdon has no need to say “I need to get to my car!” or “Where’s my rifle? I need my rifle!” The plot of the film requires thought, reason and a quick mind. Therefore, in today’s culture, The Da Vinci Code is an incredibly refreshing break and truly has the virtue of originality.

Technically, the film shines like a jewel. There’s no bullet-time, no tilting camera, very little CGI (and when it is used, it’s for good reason, like in a historical flashback to an earlier Westminster Abbey or to visualise Langdon’s thoughts as he tries to crack a code). The subject matter is treated with respect, and as such you never feel patronised. While some may require things spelt out for them, or would wish for a more basic explanation of the plot, those same people would then grumble that the film went on too long, because as it is, The Da Vinci Code is an impressive two and a half hours long. But providing you pay attention and allow yourself to be drawn into the world of the film for that time, you’ll have no concept of time. Ultimately rewarding and genuinely thought-provoking, every minute of The Da Vinci Code is time well-spent.

You may well snigger at a line such as “I need to get to a library…!” or the ultimate revelation that “You are the direct descendant of Jesus Christ”, but to do so is to assume that this film is trying to be yet another mindless Hollywood blockbuster. It isn’t. Instead, it serves to educate and provide a master class in filmmaking. Regardless of your religious beliefs, because both sides of the coin are respected and supported in this film, The Da Vinci Code will make you think and generate discussion. And isn’t that a rare thing at the cinema these days?

Happy Birthday To Me!

2006-06-21T02:21:00.000-07:00

June 21st, and on the back of England winning their group in the World Cup, too!

For those of you in the area, there's a little ceremony for me being held outside Buckingham Palace...

...okay, so I'm not Her Majesty, but so far the day has held roughly as many people, with doorbells, both types of telephone and a couple of e-mail messages, so go me! And the postman hasn't even arrived yet.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. The Da Vinci Code review will be posted tonight/tomorrow!

November 17th 2006

2006-06-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention earlier...

JAMES BOND IS BACK!

November 17th, 2006. Get ready, ladies and mentalmen. Peace out.

So Dark The Weather This Summer?

2006-06-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

After weeks of glorious sunshine, clouds have gathered and it looks like it may rain... what timing! My birthday on Wednesday and the sun has decided to bugger off on it's own holiday!

Well, ladies and mentalmen, welcome to this month's update here at Bonkers. This will become more regular, I promise, as there will be much more to say in the coming months. Hopefully, I'll be working (makes a change... no, that's not a pig flying past your window, etc), with lots of juicy gossip to type up, plus my new thriller novel is coming along rather nicely, hopefully good enough to post some bits of it for you all to read. Let's just say, for now, that the opening set-piece takes place at a well-known sporting event taking place this summer, and there's no sign of Paul Bettany or a dreadful rom-com script, so Wimbledon it ain't!

I've had a less-than-relaxing start to my summer this year. Weddings and barbecues (bring your own sweat... listen, never, ever wear a suit when it's over 30 degrees outside), airshows, Father's Day yesterday, races across the bottom of the country in a car with a broken speedometer... all in a day's work for me! And that's not the half of it, because not only do I have a job interview and possible work placement for the next few months, but this coming weekend I've a party to attend with Mum, and guess who's birthday is this Wednesday (you've already done that bit, Ed.)? Politics and movie news will be completed after Wednesday, because not only will Prime Minister's Questions on record for comment, but I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code with Mum, so expect a review coming soon! Until then, take care, peace out!

Shaken and Stirred?

2006-05-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe just stirred.

Good lordy lord! Well well well! I'm posting on my website again for the first time in an entire semester? So much has happened, so much to tell you all about! First, I think I owe you all (love you Mum, get back to work Simon, see you tomorrow Elspeth) an excuse about not posting here for a while...

Dad ran the London Marathon in a highly respectable and very gentlemenly fashion (he shook hands with a groom and kissed a bride without breaking a sweat), and it was a great day out in London for Matt and I, made all the better for seeing him pass three times and getting to lean out and hug him twice. People would have thought us mad if they weren't doing the same to every single runner that went past. Then with barely enough time to get home and have a cup of tea, I was back to Newcastle, diving in at the deep end with revision and work in the lead up to the exam period... hang on, I hear you say! Exam period? Aren't Newcastle getting bollocked (excuse language) in the news for screwing things royally up? Well, yes and no. My POL117 European exam has been cancelled, but not after an EU Simulation game, of which I was in charge for the entire process (nobody told me... stupid Austrian Presidency). Seems we've done enough work for it to be gauged how terrible we all really are and to be shoved through to the second year, so no easy one-hour multiple choice exam for us then.

However, the rest of the Politics exams are going ahead as planned, so wish me luck for Thursday's POL122 and then the two POL132 exams I have in the following weeks. History is another matter: the staff are refusing to set exam papers (all internal here, you see... it's not as simple as knocking over an AQA van in Scotland to see the questions beforehand this year... I mean, that wasn't me last summer, no no no!) so we've got emergency papers being cobbled together from past papers for Wednesday's HIS124 exam. The joy is, it's a 'seen' examination, so in other words, there's no van to be knocked over: they've e-mailed us the damned questions! While I have a feeling William Shatner may not be able to "get behind this", I think it's a blessing, because I've just finished planning my three answers and I have a feeling I may do slightly better than if the exam had gone ahead as normal (or been cancelled, as my Documentary Commentary wasn't so good)!

So the fiasco over exams has kept us busy here in the North. Other news includes an exciting trip to see Mission: Impossible III with Elspeth and Lucy, followed by a swift few in Revolution (seems to be a regular occurance now... don't worry, there's no danger of killing brain cells: I haven't had brain cells for years now), the new trailer for Casino Royale being launched and my total 100% acceptance of Daniel Craig as the new 007 because of it, and another random letter on the Random Wall not going down as well as the previous entries because Simon is a fussy so-and-so who thinks making up new jokes is awfully easy! I had to consult Morcombe and Wise for new material, it's gotten that bad...

"What do you think of it so far?" "Rubbish!"

Peace out, madcap Bonkers fans. Stay cool, and I'll be in contact later.

Runnin' On Empty

2006-04-21T02:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, just a quick reminder, adding something I missed in yesterday's ramble...

Dad's running in the London Marathon this Sunday, so keep your eyes on a television screen if you can and look out for him! Perhaps more importantly, look out for Matt and I in the crowds too! We'll be shouting, waving and maybe throwing stuff, probably trying to get in front of a BBC cameraman at some point as well!

Take care, peace out.

These Are The Voyages...

2006-04-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

What an Easter weekend that was!

Train back up to Newcastle on Thursday, arrived 16:00. Matt flew in to the airport at 21:00, an hour late, and we had a few beers and swapped journey stories. An early start on Friday, and a tour of the city, including the most important sight of the North: the scene from the Newcastle Brown Ale bottle (according to Matt, that's all that he wanted to see and his life "was complete"). I got my third 18" Starship Legends model from Forbidden Planet, this time of the Starship Enterprise-E. Then down to Saltburn for the rest of the time! Saturday was shopping and a trip to see Inside Man at the cinema: a very good psychological thriller with top-class acting. Sunday was surfing and falling off a surf canoe repeatedly, looking very unprofessional but having a great laugh. Monday was mountain-climbing, in which I totally rocked (pun intended), and then Matt flew back to Exeter. Tuesday, from 08:00 until 16:00, Dad and I drove the length of the country in a pinball fashion, bouncing from Newcastle to Manchester, down to Birmingham and then across to Guildford! Arrived home tired, and since then, Mum and I have been relaxing, sorting out all the odds and ends before I leave for Newcastle again, and playing my new PlayStation games that arrived from the multiple eBay.co.uk sellers across the land. Quite frankly, I'm surprised I haven't had a cardiac arrest.

Of course, coming home to the slogan "Vote Blue, Get Green" isn't exactly the best homecoming present ever. While I find it very noble of David Cameron to take the Conservatives up a level and make them accessible to the younger generations, this focus on a specific issue seems to be narrowing the political scene to, let's be honest, one of the least important factors of government. The environment is not going to come crashing down around our ears for at least another one hundred years! Okay, sure, so our generation has a certain obligation to the children of the future (not mine, mind, since I loathe children), but there are already measures in place to slow down the impact of global warming (which is often inflated to silly numbers: while many people don't like him, read some Jeremy Clarkson and he'll tell you how little an impact cars have on global warming, and yet every single time the environment is mentioned, ITV News runs a feature on mothers using sports utility vehicles to take their little darlings to school). This "Vote Blue, Get Green" initiative is heavy on catchphrases and popular movements: while this isn't as terrible as the lies and spin coming from the Kremlin and His Tonyness these days, it still seems to be pandering unneccessarily to anyone but Conservative voters. This could be a danger. Cameron is already under fire from the traditional right within his party for going too far left. Any more policy drives like this could push him so far left he falls out of the Conservative sphere of influence and, horror upon horrors, he'll become a member of the Liberal Democrats... urg...

But for now, it's all good. Peace out, madcap Bonkers fans!

Testing Again

2006-04-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

One, two, three...?

Check check... check check...

"She smells sheet-stores on the sheet snore"... no, wait, that wasn't right...

Hello?

Oh, gotcha, need to post this then...

Excuse the mess, madcap Bonkers fans. One of those days, eh? Peace out.

PS: New photo and mildly-amusing username coming up...

A Grand Day Out

2006-04-10T02:23:00.000-07:00

So, madcap Bonkers fans, yesterday was the day when Mum and I met up with Brother Matt halfway between here and the West Country (oo ar indeed)! And what a nice day it was too. Now read on...

Mum drove like a legend for an hour and a half to get to the small rural village we had agreed to meet Matt in. Stuck behind an old boy who refused to go faster than 30mph for fear of travelling through time or losing any more hair than he already had (chance would be a fine thing), Mum said "Oh, can't be doing with this!" and yanked the steering wheel in order to screech around him and overtake... Mum? You never used to drive like this! Remember, I haven't been in a car since Christmas, what's going on? Then, of course, we left the main road and hit the winding country paths. A sign passed us saying Warning! Hidden Dip! "Is it houmous?" I asked, causing much laughter. I think I've rediscovered my comedy groove. More on that later.

We met with Matt after a small tour of the village, and he provided me with a dark and gothic graphic novel (which has been started already) in exchange for a DVD from Mum to play on his new multimedia toy. Then we went in search of food! I was in Matt's car, a frightening experience next to Mum's otherwise sedate overtaking! The famous 'sports mode' was used more than once, mainly to smash over already-deceased roadkill and spray blood and feathers at Mum, who drove behind. At one point, the rain was heavy enough so Matt and I backed into Mum on a small country lane... whoops indeed! We'd already grounded the car twice, so what could have been worse? Of course, in great family tradition, there was no "Oh my goodness, what a tragedy, I've hit Mum!" melodrama. No, instead it was hysterical giggles and the occasional "Oh bum!", which, unexpectedly, rhymes with "Mum" and drew more laughter. And since when was I the outlandish one when it came to grand schemes? We passed some cows and I told Matt to honk his horn at them, which he initially refused in shock. It was only because Mum had skidded out of control in a pothole that we had time to kill, so slowing down and honking at cows it was (and there was Mum, thinking we had slowed down to make sure she was alright).

The food in two places was great, including a dotty teashop owner who was completely accomodating and made her own cakes (which were superb). She was fascinated by archaeology, and kept a keen eye on politics, so we had much to talk about! We also visited one of the castles used to film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, with much more amusement than clearly planned. The self-operated mobile phone-like speakers one is encouraged to take around listening to at key moments fell by the wayside after we had listened to speech number two, and was brought back out for comedy moments such as, when we were on the ground floor, "Hey, mate, press twelve!" "You are now on the third floor..." or for when we were in a large room containing a board saying "Kitchen": "We do not exactly know the purpose of this narrow chamber..."

A great day all around. Everyone got back okay and Mum and I were even in plenty of time for 24 on SkyOne and to make sure I won my bids on eBay.co.uk... oh yes, I've discovered online bidding! More on what I've won later when the entire collection is back in my hands!

Take care, ladies and mentalmen! Peace out!

Back from the Dead... Shuffle

2006-04-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, madcap Bonkers fans, nobody, that's nobody, responded with surprise, shock or even the smallest hint of concern towards my down-and-out ramblings on April the 1st... probably, and rightly so, because it was before midday on April 1st. Not the most successful April Fool's scheme ever, was it?

Well, I'm therefore back from the brink of death surprisingly bouncy and full of cheer (cheer!), ready to get this work finished so I can actually have a holiday. And what a holiday it's shaping up to be! I've just got the excellently grim and atmospheric Doom on DVD, starring none other than The "Can You Smell What I'm Cooking? It's Some Ass-Whuppin' Gunplay and Hand-to-Hand Combat" Rock. Looking forward to that one, especially the special features which look set to examine the original Doom game in detail and explore how the filmmakers went about transfering that to the silver screen... always a bonus! Mum's got afternoons and weekends off, meaning lots of time for chatting, catching up on great telly (like Season 5 of 24 was going to be rubbish, it's perfect in every single way) and, this coming Sunday, meeting up with The "Can You Smell What I'm Cooking? It's Some Creepy New Lifeform Living in My Dreadlocks" Matt for a Sunday dinner! Then soon afterwards, Newcastle, then Saltburn, for sun (yeah, right), sea (more like liquid nitrogen), and sand (apart from take the sand away and replace it with rocks and seaweed)!

I haven't spoken about politics in a while, have I? Probably because it's all so predictable and dull these days... although much excitement today as the Serious Organised Crime Agency (S.O.C.A., or alternatively, F.B.I. U.K.) has been launched with thousands of undercover agents getting ready to battle the drug-pushers, identity-fraudsters and human-traffickers of these British Isles. Typically, His Tonyness has used it as an opportunity to grip and grin with as many important policemen and ex-spies as possible and once again rant on about how much he loves the next Labour leader, Gordon Brown. And typically, a really sexy and exciting crimefighting outfit has been given a silly name because we're British: "Serious" Organised Crime Agency? Why the "Serious"? Oh, it's a government buzzword, I've just heard His Tonyness saying it twenty times in a five minute speech... clears that up, then. But still, come on! Think about it: the reason all good films and television shows revolve around American agencies such as the F.B.I., C.I.A., N.S.A. and C.T.U. is because they've all got super-cool, sexy, dangerous names! Imagine if Jack Bauer had to kick down a door and yell "S.O.C.A., let me see your hands!" or "I'm Serious, grrr!"

Does not bode well, Mr. Blair. You want to raise Britain's international profile and make us a big player in cultural exchanges? Make sure all our crime-based television shows can have something cool to shout at running people in the street without having to make it all up! Then again, if I were in charge... "Intergalactic Death Squad XIV, drop your weapon!"

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen.

Terrible! Just Terrible!

2006-04-01T02:13:00.000-08:00

Sad news, Bonkers fans... the last few days have been downright awful!

On Thursday, I went to BINGO with my Gran, which was bound to be agreat day out because Gran's a legend and I'm completely hopeless under pressure (which BINGO is, very high pressure, no joke)! So we were hoping for a few laughs and then to go home for tea. Well, not only did I win £4,000, which I could not believe, I was then promptly rugby-tackled to the ground on the way out because someone learnt that my cousin Charlotte worked as a staff member at the BINGO establishment and therefore I couldn't possibly have won on my own merit, I had to have cheated. The £4,000 was taken from me and I can never set foot in a BINGO establishment ever again...

But that's not the worst of it. I get home, hug Mum, very nice, all excited... only to find that the essays I've sent home to work on over Easter have become corrupted on both e-mail accounts that I've put them on: in other words, I've lost 1,500 words of my work! The originals should be back on the University servers, which means when I return to Newcastle, madcap fans, I've got a ton of work to do in, oh, two days? Maybe two and a half?

And, of course, the biggest news is saved to last in true Bonkers fashion. Because I'm not at home, Mum never feels the need to go into my old room and just shuts the door for the how-ever-many-months-in-a-semester-there-are. So, that means any problems with the structure of the room would go unnoticed until someone entered the room... in other words, me. I walked straight in, dropped my heavy bag to the floor and promptly fell through the weakened floor down into the living room (absolutely no word of a lie). My bag and all its contents wrecked, my ankle sprained, a gaping hole in the ceiling (downstairs) and floor (upstairs) and, to top it all, the light fitting from my room then decided to fall down through the hole and smash on my head, leaving me with an almightly headache. A visit to Frimley Park Hospital made sure I wasn't in permanent damage, but the house needs serious work done. We've sealed off my room and the section of the living room, workers are due here Monday to take a look. I suspect the flooring supports, which are made of wood in our house, have been rotten for quite some time.

What a complete pisser, eh? For all my usual happy, nothing-is-a-problem-honest attitude, these few days have started to grate... oh, and just to finish off, I've seen the first few hours of 24 Season 5, and they're absolutely rubbish. Totally unbelievable, the acting is worse than ever and the real-time aspect seems to have gone out the window.

Hope you're all having better days out there, gang. Take care, peace out.

Breaking the News

2006-03-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

Shock! Horror! Ticking clocks! Gasp! Shouting! Alert! Exclusive!

Okay, so I haven't broken anything to do with news, nor do I have any breaking news for you, apart from that you may be interested to know that I've only got 3,000 words left to write before next Wednesday (hurrah) and only 11 episodes of 24 Season 4 left to watch (hurrah again)... but apart from that, nothing much left to report! Got your attention, though, didn't I?

Apart from that we've had word of the second-year module selection process and I've sneaked a quick glance at the possible list of modules: very interesting, people! Imperial China (ah so, sounds good), Russia since 1953 (no more Stalin, sounds good), Final Frontier: American Involvement in the Space Race (that's realistic Star Trek for the educated, then, sounds good), Middle Eastern Politics (always interesting, sounds good), European Political Thought (know your enemy, sounds good) and some other one that I've forgotten, but it sounded good. Will keep you posted on what is decided!

This weekend I may be going to see The Pink Panther with Costantinos, who is a big Panther fan, just to confirm if it is actually as bad as the reports say (it'll be another terrible film that I love... move over Avengers), and then Monday is back out again on the town with the legend that is Elspeth (woo, free drinks again)!

So until later, then, peace out.

The Longest Day of Your Life

2006-03-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome back, madcap Bonkers Loony Conspiracy fans! I'm in the library, about to finish off my Documentary Commentary for HIS124, and thought you all might like to read a small review I wrote about a certain game that came out on Friday for PlayStation2... if you're interested...

'24: The Game'

The Good:
- Amazing presentation: just like a missing season of 24
- Fantastic plot: inventive twists and turns exactly like the show
- The full 24 cast: everyone from Jack Bauer to Adam Kaufman act their socks off
- Superb variety of missions: never repetitive
- Well-realised world: explore a full-scale city on foot or by car
- Brilliant shooting: many weapons and approaches to a situation
- Fast-paced driving: physics created for big cinematic car chases
- Hacking mini-games: not as rubbish as they sound
- Music and sound: score by Sean Callery, plenty of bangs and booms

The Bad:
- Not the best graphics: not terrible either, but there are better looking games out there
- No co-operative multiplayer: imagine Jack and Tony working together...?
- Not actually real time: more like 14 than 24

The Review:
The following takes place between 6:00am and 7:00am...

An anonymous phone call from a public pay booth near the Los Angeles docks informs Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) that a shipment of illegal weapons, plus a deadly ricin biotoxin bomb, has arrived. Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) leads a SWAT unit to seize the shipment and diffuse the bomb. Meanwhile, in Washington DC, DC CTU agent Chase Edmunds (James Badge Dale) is working undercover with a group of terrorists who are planning to assassinate Vice-President Jim Prescott in LA later on in the day. Blowing his cover to warn CTU in LA, he becomes a target of the people he's working with.

As the day progresses, Jack's daughter Kimberly Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert) starts her first day as a temp worker at CTU, and ends up working alongside Michelle Dessller (Reiko Aylesworth) when an enemy agent from Jack's past raids the building for a hard-drive containing information about their plans. Special Agent in Charge Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard) stops a deadly ricin attack on a subway in LA before uncovering evidence that implicates Governor of California James Radford in the terrorist plot. A deadly earthquake, caused by a well-placed bomb somewhere underground, rips through LA. All the while, President David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) recovers from the attempt on his life that occurred six months previous, trying to cope with the stress of the day's events.

You're now panicking about having missed a season of the excellent television show, 24, aren't you? Don't worry, you haven't. The above is the convoluted plot of '24: The Game', a superb PlayStation2 title that takes place between Season 2 and Season 3 and answers all of the questions that were left hanging after Palmer was seen dying in the street at 7:00am after the second longest day of Jack Bauer's life. Offering players the chance to step into the world of counter-terrorism in the high drama, high action and high suspense world of 24, this game is an unparalleled success.

There are three main modes of play that will confront your characters in '24: The Game'. Firstly, and predominantly, you control a character in a third-person shooter game. Missions ranging from stealthy infiltration without alerting guards, all-out assault on an enemy base, undercover missions where you must act naturally or be rumbled as a government agent or chasing a fleeing suspect through alleyways all come up in the course of the story. Mainly, you're Jack, running and gunning in his usual style, but often you'll play as another CTU agent: Chase, Tony, Michelle and even Kim are playable. In fact, one of the more interesting missions of the game sees Kim, who hasn't had weapons training, sneaking through a locked down CTU without any means of defending herself... incredibly tense, edgy movements and ducking behind crates have never been so loaded with excitement. Gunplay is the standard fare, with L1 targeting your enemy and R1 blasting them away, Circle performing a duck-and-roll move, X making you take cover behind walls or desks, etc. In fact, if you've ever played 'James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing' or 'From Russia With Love', you'll feel right at home. A nice addition, however, exclusive to '24: The Game' is the speech button. Far from being the catchphrase-reeling useless function of 'Terminator 3: The Redemption', this allows you to issue commands to the various characters you'll come across. Target an enemy and press R2, and your character will call out "CTU! Hands in the air!", and if they don't co-operate, a shot to the arm or leg will force them to drop their gun and raise their arms, leaving you to either handcuff them or snap their neck. Civilians in danger of being shot in a crossfire can be faced and told "I'm a federal agent, keep down!", and other characters following you can be instructed to "Wait here and stay covered!" or "Follow me, slowly!" This really adds to the interactivity of the gameplay and makes for tactical approaches to situations that would otherwise be very similar.

It's also a helpful feature in the driving missions. If you find yourself stranded without a car in '24: The Game', a quick tap of R2 will call out "Federal agent, I need this vehicle!" and allow you to commandeer a new set of wheels. The driving is one of the carefully thought out sections of the experience. The camera and driving physics have been tweaked to make sliding round corners and spinning your car very cinematic and over-the-top, just like 24 on television. There are the usual range of sports cars, saloons, SUVs and trucks to be had, and missions are usually timed dashes across town or carry the objective of tailing a suspect, mainly while fending off enemy vehicles that try to ram you off the road. A satisfying handbrake turn at the right moment will send them sailing off into a wall (resulting in a lovely big fireball of death), and this makes the driving sections rewarding.

Thirdly, computer-based mini-games pepper the action, usually taking place back at CTU headquarters. These are fun little segments of logical puzzle-solving: use a satellite to pinpoint enemies in buildings around Jack's location by their heat signatures, break into secured files using a scrambled code, pressing sequences of buttons, memory tests and a few mazes aren't as dull as they sound, especially since the famous 24 ticking clock is ever-present, adding to the layer of tension as you try to remember which path was blocked by FBI servers and which wasn't as you hack into secured files.

Admittedly, '24: The Game' isn't as pretty as it could have been. There are better looking games available on the market (mainly from EA Games), but having said that, it's not that big a problem. The graphics are good enough, the framerate slowdown (of which there is a little) is barely noticeable, all the cast likenesses are very accurate and the interactive environments are well-detailed. The atmosphere, suspense and storyline are so immersive that you buy the entire package and don't really question anything until you've beaten the final mission on board a luxury yacht and seen the final cutscene in which Jack... oh, no, I won't spoil it for you. As noted above in The Good, the music is provided by 24 and 'James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing' veteran Sean Callery, capping off that 24 feel to perfection, and the sound effects are all satisfyingly over-the-top, exaggerated roars, blasts and screeches of tyres.

The only two downsides that may sway your opinion of '24: The Game' are as follows: one, there isn't any kind of multiplayer. Sure, a deathmatch is out of the question based on the plot, but a co-operative selection would have been brilliant, having Jack and Tony storming a building or Jack and Kim trying to escape a terrorist base together, or one man hacking a satellite to call out sniper positions while the other picks them off...? Two, while it would be nigh-on impossible for a game (where the player has total freedom over his actions and therefore how long he/she takes) to be real-time, '24: The Game' is more like '14: The Game'. Each hour, made up of smaller missions, takes between twenty minutes and three-quarters of an hour to pass. You won't really care, and the jumps in time are covered well in the storyline, but as its 24...

Forget about the last paragraph, however, as '24: The Game' is literally amazing. We aren't talking genre-redefining stuff, but any fan of the show or any fan of action-adventure shooting games will simply adore kicking down doors and yelling "CTU! On the floor, now!" and travelling sideways round a corner before smashing through an alleyway filled with cardboard boxes at breakneck speed. '24: The Game' is everything you could ever want from a 24 game, and everything you could ever want from a 24 product or story.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get to play out your very own longest day.

The Score:
- Graphics: 8 out of 10
- Gameplay: 10 out of 10
- Length: 9 out of 10
- Value: 10 out of 10

Tomorrow, or maybe Tuesday, normal posting will resume. Take care, peace out!

I Loathe Public Transport

2006-03-13T05:21:00.000-08:00

Firstly, those of you clever enough to work out the time difference (this website runs on an American Central clock, I live in England, go figure) will realise that I'm supposed to be in POL122 at the moment. However, the stupid Metro people have done it again: we sat at South Gosforth station this morning for fifteen minutes while the driver who was changing over chatted to the new driver! Grrr!

So I've missed my lecture completely and was wondering what I could do with the spare time... so hello one and all! Lots to tell you about today, people, so I won't be mentioning any political shennaneg... shenn... shinneganen... "events" this time, that'll be tomorrow.

Congratulations are in order for Dad, who successfully completed the Redcar Half Marathon in one hour fifty-two minutes (plus "some several seconds", as he put it), a highly respectable time! Considering he's done no training in two weeks and was suffering from a chest cold, the eight minute improvement on his expected time is no small achievement! Bitter, freezing weather and snow drifts added extra excitement to the day, as did the Dad fan club running out in front of him and grabbing his hat/shouting "Go! Woo!" during the course of the race (hey, it's all for support). So well done Dad! Next stop, London, which should be fun. A big day of chasing Dad through crowds, seeing if he can catch up with Paula Radcliffe (my advice: sprint when she stops in the road for a 'pit stop' and you should catch her out! Remember, Dad, it's not a race, but if Paula's going for that kind of gold, you can get the medal)!

More growling now as 24: The Game has been delayed by a week! I got all excited on Friday, bouncing along down Northumberland Street like a kid who has just eaten the Cadbury factory, and then... nothing. I returned the less-fun-than-smearing-jam-on-my-eyes-and-then-hitting-a-wasp-nest-with-a-big-stick Shadow the Hedgehog in order to get back my £20, then visited GAME only to find a complete lack of 24 related products. Then went to HMV, where they had cases for the game on the shelves saying "Coming 10th March, pre-order now!", so I took one up to the counter to buy it and then... "Sorry, it's been delayed by a week and we haven't updated those stickers yet." AAAAHHHH!!!! So to counter my 24: The Game withdrawl symptoms, I've now watched almost all of 24 Season Three on DVD, something I was going to do after I had completed the game to make the storyline flow somewhat. Still, not disappointed as the quality of the show is excellent!

I start essays tomorrow in the final slog before Easter, so will be in the library at some point ranting on about politics. If you're lucky, I might even provide a sneak preview of what my essays will contain... okay, maybe not! I wouldn't want you to suffer any more than me droning on about how I don't want to have to write them and would rather be doing just about anything else! But hey, I'll enjoy them when I get round to writing them, it's just the prospect of starting them that gives me a headache!

Until then, then, peace out.

"Nobody Leaves My Tequilla Warm, Dangling in De Wind!"

2006-03-09T05:34:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the delay in posting, madcap Bonkers Loony Conspiracy fans. It's been one of those weeks where one who means to do everything on a long list ends up scribbling out "The Week Beginning 6th March" and replacing it with "The Week Beginning 13th March" instead. You see, what with Tuesday's strike adding to my usual Wednesday off, this has become the ultimate lazy time.

Of course, I've had things to do, and as the title/picture above will show, The Legend of Zorro was released on DVD on Monday! Okay, so I get excited about films, who doesn't when they're this good? Funny, tense, spectacular and touching, Zorro films have it all, and this latest one doesn't disappoint. Antonio Bandaras, while admittedly a little chubby around the chin area, still does fantastically well as the Mexican Fox and Catherine Zeta-Jones is a surprising strength of the film too, performing comedy just as well as action or dialogue. Add a wonderful new talent in Zorro's son, the ten-year-old Joaquin, and a comedy horse with vices like drinking, smoking and not being able to speak English ("Over the hill, to the Governer's mansion... I said, over the hill to the Governer's mansion!") and you've got a winner.

Thanks to Dad for dropping by on Tuesday too, and providing me with fish, chips and alcohol with which to jeer at half a football match! This Sunday I'm off down to Redcar to watch him run a half-marathon: worth the 06:00 start? Of course! Worth the 06:00 start on the second day after 24: The Game is released? Well...

In the real world (what's that, I hear you ask? Don't look at me), small traders are moaning again about supermarkets dominating the food market. Well, they're called "super"markets for a reason, fools! If I want food, I want to go somewhere that has a cool name like "super" and makes me think "Look at me, I'm shopping in the same place as Clark Kent!", not some backalley shop that sells carrots with dirt still on them and charges twice as much for the pleasure of washing it off (easy target)! No, give me cheap food pumped full of chemicals anyday, thank you very much.

Oh, and another thing (raised by Mum, confirmed by The Spectator): everyone's looking at Tessa Jowell and her ex-husband, shaking their fists and questioning their relationship with Mr. Handkerchief-Head Berlusconi and her ministerial integrity, but has anyone bothered to mention outside of a few closing lines at the bottom of a page that His Tonyness frequently uses Berlusconi's holiday home for free (leading the Italian press to call him "los scroconi"... no, not "a scrotum", or literally even "several scrotums", but "the scrounger")? Funny how he's now cleared Jowell of wrongdoing, because raking her over hot coals just might make people say "Hang on, didn't you go on holiday with Cherie to Tuscany at the expense of the Italian taxpayer?" Still, that's the New Labour government for you... seriously people, please: I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do, but for goodness sake get rid of His Tonyness and Henchman Brown at the next election and vote for someone worth voting for (ie, "Dave" Cameron)!

That was a contradiction, wasn't it? Hey, whatever, talk to the hand...

There will be no online diary entry tomorrow here at Bonkers Loony Conspiracy, madcap fans, due to my entire time being taken up with POL132 from 09:00 until 10:00 and then 24: The Game being purchased and played to death. Perhaps Saturday from Simon's computer if he lets me and if I'm not too busy muttering "This is the longest day of my life..." while shooting terrorists and inevitably rescuing Kim from some overblown hostage situation. And, now that Sunday is busy too, I shall probably make a massive blast at posting here on Monday.

Until then, ladies and mentalmen, peace out.

Feed a Cold...

2006-03-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

Afternoon one and all...

Latest development: still no hot water. Several mildly-warm-but-boardering-on-cold showers and the fact that last night came with a free blanket of snow for Newcastle means I'm slightly chilly and subsequently slightly suffering from a slight cold. Lots of slightly there, but I don't want this to get out of hand, especially with Strike Day, Tuesday, rapidly approaching, and I don't want to be incapacitated if there's a chance to get on the telly. So I'm sitting tight.

Just finished watching 24: Season 2, then, and even though I've seen it before, I'm left reeling from the final few episodes, including a massive shoot-out and Matrix style fight between Jack and an armed goon followed by an assassination attempt on President Palmer... whoa indeed. Oh, and I've also been playing the rather excellent Sonic Gems Collection, featuring some of the "best kept secrets" (translated: old and naff) of Sonic's gaming history. I love 'em, but then as people know I love tat, so here's a screenshot for you all to make up your minds and see what you think:
That's the arcade "legend" (translated: not good enough for console release; can be found on the recreation deck of two cargo ferries; one has been out of order since 1998) that is Sonic the Fighters. I beat the single player arcade mode in all of twenty minutes with Sonic. Hmm... still, budget game, budget action, surely?

As promised, here's that snippet from The Spectator, dated 25th of February, about the United States which I find rather interesting. Alexander Chancellor writes that "...my great-grandfather Murray Finch Hatton... shot an African tracker in the leg while big-game shooting in Kenya. Mortified by what he had done, he rushed forward and gave the tracker a golden guinea. The man limped off, but soon returned. He had consulted his wife, he said, and wondered if his Lordship might kindly oblige by shooting him again. Dick Cheney didn't need a golden guinea to buy the goodwill of Harry Whittington, 78, the multimillionaire Republican lawyer he shot two weeks ago while quail-shooting in south Texas. In fact, it is hard to imagine circumstances in which Whittington would allow any anger he might feel towards the Vice-President to become public. For Whittington is a Texas Republican loyalist, and the 50,000-acre Armstrong Ranch, where the shooting incident happened, is a sacred place for Republicans. To be asked to shoot there means being admitted into the Republican inner circle. Regular guests have included not only Cheney but the two Bush presidents... and George junior's chief political strategist, Karl Rove. For a guest to publicise trouble or disharmony on the ranch would result in instant expulsion from this Republican elite. So Whittington, with up to 200 steel pellets from Cheney's 28-bore shotgun buried in his face, neck and torso, and recovering from a pellet lodged in his heart, left hospital six days later declairing that 'my family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice-President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week.' It was, he said, 'much more serious' than anything that had happened to him. He would have probably have said the same if he had lost an eye."

The times we live in, eh? Peace out.

Freezing Friday

2006-03-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

Drumbeats... whoa...

That's the soundtrack to The Rock for you, which I'm listening to now in Simon's room (the only one of my CDs he likes and grew quite obsessed with a few weeks back, and subqequiently listens to repeatedly) as I type this... no, not an easy target moment!

Today's been a little out-of-sorts for those of us suffering with low water heating supply in Flat 19. Last night, the water wasn't only just cold but freezing, in which I reluctantly had to endure one of the quickest showers of my life. We've been in contact with Don "The Man, The Legend", who says the next time he can get his people out to look at it is Monday (because he's got a wooden leg, or limp, or bit of shrapnel from the war and takes him that long to climb the stairs)... yet so far, the heat of the water seems to be holding, so perhaps this weekend won't be as cold as I originally suspected! Anyway, next door have hot water just fine, so if push comes to shove, we can always nip (pun intended... you know, cold sometimes referred to as "nippy"? Oh, forget it...) next door.

Other than that, all I've really done with my time is hoover my room, get up-to-date on my laundry, some small amounts of reading and watching the excellent 24 and playing some equally excellent We Love Katamari and James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing. Of course, there's shopping to be done, which is next on the hitlist, and tonight Flat 19 might possibly sit down and watch The Rock (hence the soundtrack being listened to). I'm thinking pizza, or chicken, or pizza with chicken on...

I read a rather inlightening article in The Spectator about the American political situation within the Republican Party, specifically to do with Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face with a shotgun last week... if I can drag it up, I'll include a brief snippet of intel (24 speak for "a few lines of it") in my next posting.

Until then, ladies and mentalmen, peace out.

Testing, Testing...

2006-03-02T05:44:00.000-08:00

Hello one and all (that'll be just one, then):

Please ignore this test. Tell you what, I'll pass the time by telling you a rhyme...

"There once was a woman from Venus;
Whose body was shaped like a..."

Oh, test over! Shame, you'll never hear the end of that rhyme... oh well!

Peace out.

After a Strong Start...

2006-03-02T04:25:00.000-08:00

Afternoon, ladies and mentalmen.

Hope this message finds you well: I'm tired and want chocolate, but I'm going to do this first because I know you're all dying to know how I've been the past 48 hours (in other words: hi Mum, hope your lunch hour isn't too boring)!

Well, my day away from University yesterday was eventful to start with: haircut time! With the colder weather up here in the north, half-an-inch of hair coverage over my entire skull isn't exactly survival kit issue... still, I stand resolute on my hat policy in that no such hat-based device will ever grace my bonce! No beard to stroke ponderingly, either, which is a shame because up until now people think I'm "academic" with a beard and therefore know my stuff. My grades will slip and people will start asking questions just for being smooth as the proverbial baby's backside... still, nice work with my new shaver (thanks Dad)...

In the world of the media, two outstanding franchises must be addressed without further ado: 24, both on television and on PlayStation2, is filling my spare time with suspense and intrigue. The build-up to the launch of 24: The Game next Friday is almost as tense as watching Jack Bauer's Power Hours rattle along on DVD, but hey, I've heard on the grapevine that it'll be worth the wait. A full report on that later, especially as promised to fellow 24 die-hard fanatic, Jill. Secondly, We Love Katamari, also known as Katamari Damacy 2, is a crazy Japanese PlayStation2 game involving a giant ball (easy target) called a katamari: basically, anything it touches can stick to it providing the katamari is big enough to roll it up. The entire objective of the game, as such, is to roll massive katamari balls that encompass everything from pencils to cats, people to cars, buildings to entire islands... all in a madcap Japanese techno world. I don't know what the makers of this game were smoking, but I bet it's got a street value of millions...

On to serious matters: politics, and David "Dave" Cameron has started in motion his plans for the Conservative Party to gain power at the next election (against Gordon "Trust Me, I'm Not Prime Minister Yet" Brown, who has been speaking about everything but the economy recently while His Tonyness has been globetrotting in an effort to make himself look like decent Premiere material. Nice try, mate, but I'm not buying it). Tuesday's news report from the BBC News website (thanks for the link, Mum), plus rumblings in the Tory press such as The Spectator (more thanks to Dad for that one) and Telegraph, show that Cameron is facing a battle within the party faithful. Old school Tory boys are withdrawing funds and making noises about Cameron being "too modern" and "too leftie"... I think it was a possible bad move of Cameron's to get behind His Tonyness' education reforms so quickly after taking the leadership reigns last year, as a lot of people saw this as the Bush/Blair relationship on a national scale, or at least the chance of it in the future. Bummer, then. But is it?

There are a lot of disillusioned ex-Labour supporters out there, according to The Spectator, who are uneasy about the Liberal Democrats due to recent events and are looking for a moderate alternative. Could Cameron's new softly-softly approach to right wing government grab the cash from them, make a mad dash for Number 10 and then slam the door behind him? I'm holding out hope.

I'll tell you one thing, though. "Beano" Boris Johnson, the shadow higher education secretary, better have a good deal sorted out for University teachers when he gets power. Striking doesn't work, we all know that, and yet on Tuesday my politics lectures have been cancelled due to the teachers creating a picket line and refusing to mark any of our assessed work. Joy of joys: how much does the average student pay for a course? Isn't this supposed to cover all costs? Then why the protest? If the Kremlin (sorry, I mean "New Labour government") are so proud of the education system, why are the staff striking? Who is to blame inside the halls of power? I've a sneaking idea that I'd like to go along on Tuesday and start my own protest, knock some heads together, end on a witty remark and then get arrested, but seeing as my actions may well come back to haunt me if politics really is my calling, I've got the second option of staying in my flat and watching The Legend of Zorro on DVD. Yep, I'm gonna sit in the flat...

Quick announcements: yay for a certain lady friend of mine who is having the time of her life with a new mystery man; rest in peace Goldfish #1, who Mum informs me died this morning; congratulations to Simon for working through two consecutive nights to get his presentation finished and in on time despite being part of an unmotivated group.

That's me for today, folks. Back tomorrow after my 09:00 lecture (I'm going to request that "Beano" Boris, when in power, makes sure that no student ever has to suffer such an early start again)!

Take care, peace out.

Happy Birthday to...?

2006-02-28T04:30:00.000-08:00

Ah, already a birthday message required to be sent out to all my many, many readers! I'm sure they'll both be thrilled...

- Happy Birthday wishes beamed through the magic of the interweb to Jill (you know who you are)!

Here's a special picture of your favourite television star (and mine too... did you know I've got Season 2 on DVD now, and that it's absolutely ace? Well, you do now) to help you celebrate this special day:

Many happy returns to Jill everyone! Now, some advice: if it appears to contain any trace elements of alcohol, might I suggest drinking it? If it contains any trace elements of PlayStation2, might I suggest playing it? And if it contains any trace elements of anything remotely connected to either alcohol or PlayStation2... I think you get the picture!

Take care, peace out!

PS: You may have noticed by now, people, that I'm only going to refer to people by their first names. As this website can be accessed by anyone anywhere I think it's best to keep it that way. You all know who I am, too, so no need to mention that otherwise they'll be able to put the name to the words and I'll be carted off to the loony bin. Thanks.

Catchphrases

2006-02-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

You may notice, dear friends, that I use several catchphrases in everyday chatter (and if you haven't, I really don't talk to you enough, so sorry about that). I will briefly explain what they all mean and where they all come from to enhance their meaning for you (like you care):

1: "Easy target!"
This is used whenever something is an easy target for double-meaning. For example, "Sorry, I can't make it tonight, something's come up!" will be swiftly followed by a rapid-response "Easy target!" for obvious reasons (if you don't get this joke you're too young to be reading this log... so ask your parents to explain).

2: "Just like that... ah ha ha ha!"
This homage to the late, great Tommy Cooper is perhaps my worst celebrity impression (although a repetoire consisting of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, Sulu from Star Trek, Arnie [see below] and myself hardly means anything) and as such has become something of a comedy mainstay in Flat 19. Whenever something is described I will often comment "Just like that..." in my regular speaking voice before initiating a Cooper-esque low, grumbling chuckle, which hurts my throat and sounds like a frog being run over by a juggernaut.

3: "Talk to the hand."
This comes from the excellent film Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, when Arnold Schwarzenegger robs a store and answers to the clerk behind the desk with a monotone "Talk to the hand." Here's a picture to set the scene:

I love this moment, it really is rather hillarious, and perhaps the Governator's best moment on screen (although, let's be honest, there aren't that many to choose from). Hence the catchphrase, and if you see it typed, imagine me doing an Austrian accent.

I'm probably going to get it in the neck for forgetting a host of other little sayings that I've developed while being in Newcastle, like the rather mildly amusing "That's almost...!", which will inevitably come up later in conversation, but they're all the ones I can be bothered to remember at the moment. In fact, the main purpose of this post is to see if I can do pictures, which so far looks like I can... fingers crossed!

Keep rollin' that katamari, people! Peace out.

The Beginning... Ooh, Scary!

2006-02-28T03:29:00.000-08:00

Well, after much time and effort (that's getting the Metro for fifteen minutes and walking to the library then) I've decided to start an online interactive diary, or "blog" as it is well known in this day and age where modern phrases and words are born every minute. While the word "blog" sounds to me like something a three-year-old would extract from his nose and subsequently consume, I've come to the conclusion that this shortened word (derived, I believe, from a combination of "web" and "log") is suitable to describe what I have created, especially in light of the three-year-old nose-picking analogy...

So, without further nonsense ramblings, ladies and mentalmen, I welcome you to Bonkers Loony Conspiracy!

Goodness knows why I've chosen to call this log Bonkers Loony Conspiracy. Maybe because it sounds funny, or maybe because I like the idea of the name being flagged up on an FBI computer somewhere and having my posts monitered by satellite just to make sure I'm not really spreading conspiracy theories... which I'm not! No, instead of that incredibly exciting promise, all I'm using this for is keeping track of my days spent here in sunny Newcastle while studying long and hard (at PlayStation2) so that anyone and everyone can drop in and read about what I've been up to anytime they want. Hopefully I'll get the time to update this daily, but if I slip a couple of days, don't come round knocking at my door with an axe. While I don't own an axe, I can think of better presents that I'd like please...

Anyway, I'll also throw in some humourous political opinion, some reviews of games and films that I've seen, plus chat about what music I'm listening to and what I think of culture and modern society in general. And that, your honour, is the case for Bonkers Loony Conspiracy.

As this is the first post in a long line of posts, I'd like to "big up" (that means "say hello") to a couple of people who I know will be reading this:
- Hi Mum, I'm on the internet!
- Dad, this is constructive, honestly, and beats playing sports!
- Bro, wazzup homie! Hip and happenin', yo yo, sorted (indeed)!
- Anyone else... *waves*

Well, that should cover it. Expect some cool-slash-funny-slash-insane-slash-geeky pictures to be hastily engineered and put up with some funny captions soon, as I've got a three hour break and not much to do in it (the joy of computers or, more specifically, Google Image Search). Oh, and could the last person out of the door turn the lights off and put all the chairs back where you found them? Not in that order, otherwise you'll make a mess... thanks!

Do take care one and all, peace out!

Bonkers Loony Conspiracy

Hope and Fear

Year of Hell

Future's End

State of Flux

Strange New World, Part II

Strange New Worlds

Two Days and Two Nights

Fortunate Son, Part II

11:59

Zero Hour

In a Mirror, Darkly

Fortunate Son

A New Hope

The Day After Tomorrow

The Sentinel

Firewall

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUMSY!

Hold On, I'm Putting You On Speaker...

Reloaded

Tooth and Claw

Congratulations!

Dawn

These Aren't The Voyages...

Frame Of Mind

All Hands To Pumps (Ahem)...

You Know His Name

No Armour Left

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Resistence is Futile

Jingle Bells

The Legend Has Returned

Very Short Life Expectancy

The Con Of Man

Ha! In Your Faces, Fellow Students!

Official Request to Bethesda Softworks

Finally...

Show-Off

Creative Misadventure

To Boldly Go...

2008... The Final Frontier...

I Would Like To Buy A Hamburger

Lists Of Lists Cause Listing

Work? That Wasn't Part Of The Deal!

Can You Hear That...?

"I Need To Get To A Library...!"

Happy Birthday To Me!

November 17th 2006

So Dark The Weather This Summer?

Shaken and Stirred?

Runnin' On Empty

These Are The Voyages...

Testing Again

A Grand Day Out

Back from the Dead... *Shuffle*

Terrible! Just Terrible!

Breaking the News

The Longest Day of Your Life

I Loathe Public Transport

"Nobody Leaves My Tequilla Warm, Dangling in De Wind!"

Feed a Cold...

Freezing Friday

Testing, Testing...

After a Strong Start...

Happy Birthday to...?

Catchphrases

The Beginning... Ooh, Scary!

Back from the Dead... Shuffle