Hope and Fear

Well, ladies and mentalmen... today was certainly an eventful event-filled event of events containing eventfullness. Allow me to explain...

Firstly, today was the date of my presentation in Politics of the Middle East. I wasn't looking forward to this: research was hardly wholesome on the subject of Afghanistan and the Taliban. Stories of grim tales involving beheadings, public beating, the oppression of women... while I'm hardly one to deny another's culture and beliefs, I found some of the research personally disturbing. So, in an effort to plough on through, I tried to take a semi-lighthearted approach to the subject, and it could have easily backfired. It didn't, however: it worked perfectly. Everyone seemed interested in what I had to say on the balance of hope and fear gripping Afghanistan, and they loved the handouts I produced, even more so than the other presenters (including Cheesecake herself) who were all stone-faced and serious when discussing the Taliban social control. Instead, I said "they were not allowed to forecast the weather, as this was deemed to be sorcery" and got my laugh.

But that's not all. I managed this after only two hours of sleep Monday night! How, I hear you ask? Well, industrial amounts of bananas and coffee is the obvious answer. I wasn't sleeping particularly well and the guys in the flat, having been worked to the bone to meet their recent deadline, were up and about, their sleeping patterns ruined. Some noise was made, I was woken, I got up at 05:25 and had a pee, then thought "Well, can't sleep now!" so preceeded to polish my script and watch Star Trek: Voyager for the next three hours. It's no biggie, but I'm absolutely knackered now (18:51 Tuesday) and have a 09:00 lecture tomorrow. The solution? It's the perfect time to get sleep patterns back on track! So by 22:00 I'll be in bed, showered and clean, all tucked up for ten hours of snooze-fest. Job done.

Oh, and then there's the small matter of my third year Module Selection choices being posted up yesterday in the History Department. Now, let me remind you of some facts: a lot of people got e-mails telling them to re-select because their first, second and third choices were full (people who were three places behind me in the queue that nightmarish Wednesday). There's been silence for weeks. Some people Cheesecake and I bumped into this morning, before we'd checked, said they were down for their second and third choices. It wasn't looking good... the running theme of hope and fear from my work on Afghanistan was looming over my head: the hope that I'd get my first choice modules battling with the fear of being resigned to that dodgy birth control module or, even worse, something to do with British history (eep).

But hope won out.

Not only are all my first choices confirmed, but Cheesecake has gotten them too, meaning it's no change in the team and it's a definate win for the third year! How, you ask, once again hanging on my every word... no, over here... hello? WAKE UP! Anywho, it means my modules are Nazi Germany, the Nuremberg Trials, Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism and my Politics Dissertation, over which I had a brainwave last night. So let's break that down... Nazi Germany and the Nuremberg Trials: who do you know with more knowledge? Exactly, nobody! Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism: clearly it's going to be all spies and MI6, and I'll bet James Bond is mentioned not once, not twice, but thrice. As for my Politics Dissertation, get this for an early title: New Worlds and New Civilisations - The Politics of Modern Science Fiction. So that's Hitler, 007 and Captain Archer making up my entire third year. I'm so going to pass everything, innit.

There is still a battle between hope and fear to be won, madcap Bonkers fans. The hope of the third year is a light just out of reach beyond the fear of the upcoming exams. In less than a week, I'll have sat my Space Race exam. In just over two, I'll have finished them all. Fall at this hurdle, and that perfect third year will disappear.

To which end, I've no idea why I'm wasting time writing here. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen... I shall revise...

Year of Hell

Why so glum, madcap Bonkers fans? Surely today, the day in which His Tonyness announced his impending doom, would be cause for celebration? Why is 2007 the Year of Hell?

I'll tell you why, ladies and mentalmen. Because when Blair the Liar has gone, we will be left with the most awful Prime Minister: Gordon Brown. A man who thinks nothing of raising taxes, who has lied more than Blair ever could, who has displayed himself as a thug and a brute and a bully. You thought Clarke, Reid and Campbell were the worst of it? You haven't seen Brown yet. And to make matters even worse, his rise to power is completely undemocratic: he'll be "appointed" our Prime Minister by his Labour cronies... whoops, sorry, I meant peers... no, wait... cronies was correct.

We started the Year of Hell with one lousy Prime Minister. We'll end it with one even worse.

But what of His Tonyness? What will become of him in July when he fades into the darkness of "normal" life? Well, accepting an honour or peerage is out of the question: how hypocritical and ironic would Lord Tony of Blair be, eh? A man who has shown utter contempt for the House of Lords being in it...? Never. So perhaps a knighthood? No. Blair deserves a knighthood for services to the British people about as much as I deserve a knighthood for services to Thrash Metal. I seriously doubt Her Majesty would have will strong enough to keep her from swinging the sword sideways as She dubbed him Sir Tonyness. I fear Blair will simply do what his wife does: travel to Americaland and Australia and make a pension on the speech circuit. Although why anyone would pay to listen to him drone on about being a waste of space is beyond me...

Guess who Politician of the Year is for me, madcap fans? You're right: anyone but Blair. Or Brown. Or anyone involved with Labour. Or the Liberal Democrats. Or anyone else who isn't David Cameron.

Best moment of the day: George W Bush paying tribute to His Tonyness. Here's the quote: "I have found him to be a man who's kept his word which is sometimes rare in the political circles I run in." How many things, ladies and mentalmen, can you spot wrong with that sentence? I count three, you? If you don't want to know the results, look away now. A: Blair doesn't keep his word. B: "Sometimes rare", Mr. President? So it's common, then? So Blair isn't that unique after all? C: Of course you don't meet people who keep their word, Bushy. You're a Republican.

Hillarious comments from Basil Bush aside, His Tonyness used the day to leer over the so-called "achievements" he has made and try to convince everyone he'll have a worthwhile legacy to leave behind. It's funny: an NHS in ruins, an economy in massive amounts of debt, half our armed forces spread across the Middle East (with the other half suffering from all kinds of death), a corrupt government, an out-of-control civil service, an immigration problem and a nose severely browned from being lodged up Dubya's backside is hardly something I'd like engraved on my tombstone. Well, if it's good enough for you, Blair. It'll give us all a laugh in years to come when the Conservatives have straightened the decks.

For all those wishing to complain about my take on the situation, please write to: 123 Fake Street, Nowheresville (Near Reykjavic), Yemin, ABC 007. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Your statutoty rights will become null and void. Must be edible.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

Future's End

Still no word from the department, as I write this, about my module selection for my third year. Surprising, isn't it?

You're right, it isn't. The incompetance of these people is beyond me: a right shambles. The exam timetables were only posted around today, too, and guess what? I've only got two weeks before my first one. Two weeks?! It's insane. Although I would have half-expected a phonecall the morning before saying "This is the History Department letting you know you've got an exam in ten minutes..." Thank goodness I've been kept busy during my wait, ladies and mentalmen: with UFO sightings, drinking games (ooh, no... no no no... no), a presentation to prepare, Star Trek: Voyager to watch, etc. etc.

Oh yes, and political parties to vote for! Today is election day, madcap Bonkers fans, and I hope you've all either gone and voted or are about to go and vote! Polls close at 10pm: David Cameron told me that in an e-mail this morning, urging me to exercise my democratic right. So I did, and also gained a lovely walk in the sunshine, so I'm thinking it's win-win! Unless my party loses, in which case it'll be win-lose. Or if my party loses and my knee starts hurting due to the walk, because then it'll be lose-lose... or if my knee hurts but my party win, then it'll be lose-win... am I overthinking this? (Yes. Get on with it. Ed.)

I'm just praying that Labour suffer a huge defeat today: with His Tonyness leaving this plane of existence (finally) in "a matter of weeks" (please, let the door hit you on the way out), a tough time at the polls today will give Gordon Brown the weakest start to his Prime Ministership, leaving it wide open for David Cameron to swoop down on the shambolic Labour government and make mincemeat of them before the next General Election. Although, I have to say, anyone would be better than George W. Bush... here's a topical quote for the day from America's Beloved Leader of the Free World (hint: sarcasm) - "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

Well done, genius. Until I return, ladies and mentalmen, peace out...

State of Flux

Since I've been here at Newcastle University, madcap Bonkers fans, can you recall me ever saying anything nasty about the staff and offices that work here? Have I ever done anything to offend a member of staff? Have I shot their canary or run over their dog or kidnapped their baby? Have I ever failed any assessment? Have I been annoying to them?

The answer to all those questions is, as you know, "no". And I'm sure that if you ask the same questions of 95% of my coursemates on Politics and History, you'll get the same answer. Add to that everyone taking regular History, the Classics, Archaeology and combined studies (including History) and you've got a lot of people... over one thousand students. And I'm sure they'd all answer "no" as well. My point? Well, first I'd like to apologise in advance to Mumsy, but I'm about to use language I would normally avoid.

The School of Historical Studies here at Newcastle University have treated my fellow students and I like complete shit today. And we've done nothing to deserve it.

First, a weather report: it's boiling here today in Newcastle. The sun is shining nicely and only now, at 17:42, a few clouds are rolling in to block it out. There's been a breeze to keep people cool outside, but inside it's sweltering. Which is obviously why some complete tool decided to walk in to the University this morning and say "Oh, let's turn on the central heating." So they did. And indoor temperatures rose. A lot. So much so that even standing still inside the School of Historical Studies made you sweat. Could a member of staff be bothered to open a window? Well, if there was one, no. Unfortunately, all the windows are in staff offices, making sure they're all nice and comfortable. Lucky them.

You already know the situation about the module caps, ladies and mentalmen. Today was module selection day, meaning we all dutifully sign up to our chosen modules and hope we get in... with caps of 14 places on all modules. So there would always be competition. I knew this. Everyone knew this. It sucked, but it was a fact of life. But wait: last year, the BlackBoard Interactive Website was used for module signup, so it was easy and quick to get the modules you wanted. But this year, it broke down two weeks before Easter. Hmm... six weeks before module signup... no, can't fix it in that amount of time. Even though the other departments were using it fine: just History said "Oh, we'll just get everyone to come in, fill out a form and we'll process it ourselves."

Genius. So today everyone doing History, Politics and History, the Classics, Archaeology and combined studies (including History) had to go and queue for the capped modules on a first-come, first-serve basis. So, that's roughly 500 second-year students fighting it out for extremely limited places on the best courses to undertake in their third, most important, final year. Some of the options available are pathetically weak, and nobody would have picked them: it seems students are being spread thin over a wide selection so the University can go "Look! We offer so much! Aren't we wonderful?" Well, to be honest, no. So many people will be disappointed... especially after today.

The School of Historical Studies doesn't have a large office. It boasts all of three staff members. It has enough room for, oh, five people in it, at a push. So some utter plank (probably the tool responsible for the central heating being turned on) decided to make all 500 students come to the office at the same time: 1pm today. This is an impossible crush. A pointless futile cattle market with pushing, shoving and general other types of hellish merryment. But that's not all: the idiots in charge then said "...and at the same time, we'll get the first years to pick their second-year modules too!" So that's another 500, maybe 600, people.

The queues took over four hours to clear. I was lucky: Elspeth and I, sensing the danger, went early. An hour early. And we still queued for one and a half hours. In a long, narrow corridor leading to the office. Crushed between 1,000 other people. Trying to get to the front so that they get their options before the places run out. With the central heating on. Noise. Smells. And some stressed-out cow at the front of the queue shouting orders like Hitler. "Get in line!" "No eating!" "Do not push!" "Get out the way!"

And do you know what the worst part is, madcap fans? I don't even know what I'm doing next year.

At first, the process involved entering the School of Historical Studies office, being called forward by one of the three staff at a computer, and then handing them your form while they entered the information on the database and confirmed your choices. If you had to pick a second or reserve choice, they told you. You left with a printout of your confirmed third-year modules. The queues weren't moving. Suddenly, some bright spark remembered they had over 1,000 people to process and decided to speed things up. So you were hearded into the office, your form was ripped from your grasp, and they wrote the time down on it. Then you were asked to leave with a cursory comment: "You'll be e-mailed by Friday and told which modules you'll be doing."

It was a complete joke. You either laughed or cried. Thankfully, I was with enough good-spirited people to laugh, and we actually had some fun in the otherwise-nightmarish, claustrophobic corridor queue. We all went to the Union afterwards and downed a few pints of cider to refresh, and enjoyed the cool breeze on the grass.

I am angry... no, fuming. How dare the University have the bare-faced cheek to attempt to process prospective third-year students alongside a swarm of brattish second-years and then have the audacity to "let you know" by e-mail what you'll be studying for your final year? It's pathetic. If I had options, I'd seriously consider leaving Newcastle and completing my degree at any university that would take me. Some people I know are doing just that. But I'm signed on for residence in the House of Death for next year, and wouldn't do that to the guys, nor Elspeth, who is staying. And I like my lecturers (Russia this morning was excellent, as usual). But if I have to deal with the School of Historical Studies or anyone involved in the planning of today's module signup again...

...it won't be pretty. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I'll be back.

Strange New World, Part II

You might be interested in this, madcap Bonkers fans...

...crazy, eh?

Strange New Worlds

It's finally happened, madcap Bonkers fans. I've finally lost my mind.

It's either that, or aliens really do exist and are really visiting this planet. Thursday night at around 23:00 over towards Jesmond Dene park here in Newcastle, a V-shaped craft, with a horseshoe-shape ring of bright white lights on it's underside, was hovering over the valley. It hovered for about four seconds, during which time I tried to reach for my phone to take a picture. Alas, in the fifth second, the lights got brighter and it streaked away in what I'd estimate to be a 0-300mph jump which took the blink of an eye.

Now you all know me: been to a few airshows, like military technology, etc. Not only is there nothing like this ever created, it was an unaerodynamic shape, so how did it move so fast? Also, if it was military, why are they testing over such a populated area? And why over Newcastle, when the nearest military base is miles and miles away?

I've done a quick sketch of what I saw and hope to get it scanned in so that I can post it up during my next rant. But of all the people to see a UFO, it would have to be me, wouldn't it?

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. To boldly go...

Two Days and Two Nights

Welcome back, madcap Bonkers fans. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Allow me to fill in the blanks a little for you. T'was Easter holidays, you see, and neither Mother nor Father have the internet installed anymore, so cut off from technology and cyberspace I was at a loss to update you all on certain progressions. I know... tragic. Anywho, I've now been back in the Castle that is New for a little over two days and two nights now, and have only just gotten around to typing this: that's right, I have things to do. Makes a change, eh?

Change would seem to be the buzzword right about now. Mother has a new car, a rather nice Fiat Punto, to replace the poor departed Vauxhall Corsa... but not before the Ford Focus that engulfed both her and I during the first two weeks of Easter (and had a lovely CD player on board, I might add) ate lots of fuel and, thanks to a luxurious ride, made all other cars feel like you were driving a milkfloat with burst tyres. While wearing oven gloves. On the moon. Matt, meanwhile, has shifted jobs a little, leaving DEFRA and now maybe even heading towards more work with Her Majesty's (God bless her, and all who sail in her) Royal Air Force. But that's not before Eva the Snake needs to change her habits on pain of death. And I changed my underwear at 01:00 Thursday morning after driving up from Cuxton to Saltburn in a record four and a half hours at an average speed of 80mph... while Dad, ridden with a flu-type virus, fell asleep behind the wheel three times. I'll tell you, watching action films with cars swerving all over the road may be exciting, but being in one for real? Thank goodness there were no bullets. Oh, and guess who's changed assistants?

Then come next Wednesday I'll have registered my new Third Year modules at the History Department's annual "Hectic Scrum-Fest 3000", with places on History modules capped at 14 and only two hours in which to register for them. So I'll need to change notepads, book orders, etc. etc. And I'll be changing my favourite Star Trek series from Star Trek: Enterprise to Star Trek: Voyager after the chance to get a few seasons of Captain Janeway's Delta Quadrant adventures on DVD (too good to pass up, I'm afraid. That's another month's rent gone, then. Kidding, kidding...), and then who knows? If the exams arrive in four weeks and I start to panic, I might even be changing occupations and becoming a full time dustman. No, really.

A lot can happen in two days and two nights. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

...unless, of course, anything changes...