Hope and Fear

Well, ladies and mentalmen... today was certainly an eventful event-filled event of events containing eventfullness. Allow me to explain...

Firstly, today was the date of my presentation in Politics of the Middle East. I wasn't looking forward to this: research was hardly wholesome on the subject of Afghanistan and the Taliban. Stories of grim tales involving beheadings, public beating, the oppression of women... while I'm hardly one to deny another's culture and beliefs, I found some of the research personally disturbing. So, in an effort to plough on through, I tried to take a semi-lighthearted approach to the subject, and it could have easily backfired. It didn't, however: it worked perfectly. Everyone seemed interested in what I had to say on the balance of hope and fear gripping Afghanistan, and they loved the handouts I produced, even more so than the other presenters (including Cheesecake herself) who were all stone-faced and serious when discussing the Taliban social control. Instead, I said "they were not allowed to forecast the weather, as this was deemed to be sorcery" and got my laugh.

But that's not all. I managed this after only two hours of sleep Monday night! How, I hear you ask? Well, industrial amounts of bananas and coffee is the obvious answer. I wasn't sleeping particularly well and the guys in the flat, having been worked to the bone to meet their recent deadline, were up and about, their sleeping patterns ruined. Some noise was made, I was woken, I got up at 05:25 and had a pee, then thought "Well, can't sleep now!" so preceeded to polish my script and watch Star Trek: Voyager for the next three hours. It's no biggie, but I'm absolutely knackered now (18:51 Tuesday) and have a 09:00 lecture tomorrow. The solution? It's the perfect time to get sleep patterns back on track! So by 22:00 I'll be in bed, showered and clean, all tucked up for ten hours of snooze-fest. Job done.

Oh, and then there's the small matter of my third year Module Selection choices being posted up yesterday in the History Department. Now, let me remind you of some facts: a lot of people got e-mails telling them to re-select because their first, second and third choices were full (people who were three places behind me in the queue that nightmarish Wednesday). There's been silence for weeks. Some people Cheesecake and I bumped into this morning, before we'd checked, said they were down for their second and third choices. It wasn't looking good... the running theme of hope and fear from my work on Afghanistan was looming over my head: the hope that I'd get my first choice modules battling with the fear of being resigned to that dodgy birth control module or, even worse, something to do with British history (eep).

But hope won out.

Not only are all my first choices confirmed, but Cheesecake has gotten them too, meaning it's no change in the team and it's a definate win for the third year! How, you ask, once again hanging on my every word... no, over here... hello? WAKE UP! Anywho, it means my modules are Nazi Germany, the Nuremberg Trials, Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism and my Politics Dissertation, over which I had a brainwave last night. So let's break that down... Nazi Germany and the Nuremberg Trials: who do you know with more knowledge? Exactly, nobody! Terrorism and Counter-Terrorism: clearly it's going to be all spies and MI6, and I'll bet James Bond is mentioned not once, not twice, but thrice. As for my Politics Dissertation, get this for an early title: New Worlds and New Civilisations - The Politics of Modern Science Fiction. So that's Hitler, 007 and Captain Archer making up my entire third year. I'm so going to pass everything, innit.

There is still a battle between hope and fear to be won, madcap Bonkers fans. The hope of the third year is a light just out of reach beyond the fear of the upcoming exams. In less than a week, I'll have sat my Space Race exam. In just over two, I'll have finished them all. Fall at this hurdle, and that perfect third year will disappear.

To which end, I've no idea why I'm wasting time writing here. Peace out, ladies and mentalmen... I shall revise...

Year of Hell

Why so glum, madcap Bonkers fans? Surely today, the day in which His Tonyness announced his impending doom, would be cause for celebration? Why is 2007 the Year of Hell?

I'll tell you why, ladies and mentalmen. Because when Blair the Liar has gone, we will be left with the most awful Prime Minister: Gordon Brown. A man who thinks nothing of raising taxes, who has lied more than Blair ever could, who has displayed himself as a thug and a brute and a bully. You thought Clarke, Reid and Campbell were the worst of it? You haven't seen Brown yet. And to make matters even worse, his rise to power is completely undemocratic: he'll be "appointed" our Prime Minister by his Labour cronies... whoops, sorry, I meant peers... no, wait... cronies was correct.

We started the Year of Hell with one lousy Prime Minister. We'll end it with one even worse.

But what of His Tonyness? What will become of him in July when he fades into the darkness of "normal" life? Well, accepting an honour or peerage is out of the question: how hypocritical and ironic would Lord Tony of Blair be, eh? A man who has shown utter contempt for the House of Lords being in it...? Never. So perhaps a knighthood? No. Blair deserves a knighthood for services to the British people about as much as I deserve a knighthood for services to Thrash Metal. I seriously doubt Her Majesty would have will strong enough to keep her from swinging the sword sideways as She dubbed him Sir Tonyness. I fear Blair will simply do what his wife does: travel to Americaland and Australia and make a pension on the speech circuit. Although why anyone would pay to listen to him drone on about being a waste of space is beyond me...

Guess who Politician of the Year is for me, madcap fans? You're right: anyone but Blair. Or Brown. Or anyone involved with Labour. Or the Liberal Democrats. Or anyone else who isn't David Cameron.

Best moment of the day: George W Bush paying tribute to His Tonyness. Here's the quote: "I have found him to be a man who's kept his word which is sometimes rare in the political circles I run in." How many things, ladies and mentalmen, can you spot wrong with that sentence? I count three, you? If you don't want to know the results, look away now. A: Blair doesn't keep his word. B: "Sometimes rare", Mr. President? So it's common, then? So Blair isn't that unique after all? C: Of course you don't meet people who keep their word, Bushy. You're a Republican.

Hillarious comments from Basil Bush aside, His Tonyness used the day to leer over the so-called "achievements" he has made and try to convince everyone he'll have a worthwhile legacy to leave behind. It's funny: an NHS in ruins, an economy in massive amounts of debt, half our armed forces spread across the Middle East (with the other half suffering from all kinds of death), a corrupt government, an out-of-control civil service, an immigration problem and a nose severely browned from being lodged up Dubya's backside is hardly something I'd like engraved on my tombstone. Well, if it's good enough for you, Blair. It'll give us all a laugh in years to come when the Conservatives have straightened the decks.

For all those wishing to complain about my take on the situation, please write to: 123 Fake Street, Nowheresville (Near Reykjavic), Yemin, ABC 007. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Your statutoty rights will become null and void. Must be edible.

Peace out, ladies and mentalmen. I shall return...

Future's End

Still no word from the department, as I write this, about my module selection for my third year. Surprising, isn't it?

You're right, it isn't. The incompetance of these people is beyond me: a right shambles. The exam timetables were only posted around today, too, and guess what? I've only got two weeks before my first one. Two weeks?! It's insane. Although I would have half-expected a phonecall the morning before saying "This is the History Department letting you know you've got an exam in ten minutes..." Thank goodness I've been kept busy during my wait, ladies and mentalmen: with UFO sightings, drinking games (ooh, no... no no no... no), a presentation to prepare, Star Trek: Voyager to watch, etc. etc.

Oh yes, and political parties to vote for! Today is election day, madcap Bonkers fans, and I hope you've all either gone and voted or are about to go and vote! Polls close at 10pm: David Cameron told me that in an e-mail this morning, urging me to exercise my democratic right. So I did, and also gained a lovely walk in the sunshine, so I'm thinking it's win-win! Unless my party loses, in which case it'll be win-lose. Or if my party loses and my knee starts hurting due to the walk, because then it'll be lose-lose... or if my knee hurts but my party win, then it'll be lose-win... am I overthinking this? (Yes. Get on with it. Ed.)

I'm just praying that Labour suffer a huge defeat today: with His Tonyness leaving this plane of existence (finally) in "a matter of weeks" (please, let the door hit you on the way out), a tough time at the polls today will give Gordon Brown the weakest start to his Prime Ministership, leaving it wide open for David Cameron to swoop down on the shambolic Labour government and make mincemeat of them before the next General Election. Although, I have to say, anyone would be better than George W. Bush... here's a topical quote for the day from America's Beloved Leader of the Free World (hint: sarcasm) - "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

Well done, genius. Until I return, ladies and mentalmen, peace out...